Sooner or later on the spiritual awakening journey, we all taste the mysterious and intense phenomenon known as kundalini energy.
It might be smooth and subtle, or intense and explosive, but whatever the case, kundalini is a primal force of awakening.
In fact, sometimes people can experience full-blown kundalini awakenings spontaneously without any prior experience (or interest) in spiritual growth or transformation.
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Have you experienced a kundalini awakening?
If you’re curious to discover whether you’re going through a kundalini awakening or something else entirely, keep reading.
Table of contents
What is a Kundalini Awakening?
Put simply, a kundalini awakening is a form of energetic awakening that causes us to transform on the mental, emotional, and spiritual levels.
Kundalini itself is a Sanskrit word that means “she who is coiled.” It refers to primordial life force energy contained at the base of the spine that is often depicted as a snake.
This serpentine energy, once awoken, travels up the various energy centers (or chakras) of the body and into your crown chakra where higher consciousness is triggered.
The result of this higher awareness is a greater understanding of your Soul (or True Nature), life purpose, and the nature of reality itself.
19 Symptoms of the Kundalini Awakening
As divine feminine energy, kundalini usually lies dormant in the root chakra (base of the spine).
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However, there are a number of different situations where kundalini can be suddenly awoken spanning from trauma to drug use, all the way to years of targeted practice (such as tantra or kundalini yoga).
Below, I’ve divided kundalini awakening symptoms into two groups: “light” and “dark” signs.
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Please note that kundalini energy is neither good nor bad, instead, it’s a primordial force that simply lives within us. However, to the human mind, some of these experiences are pleasant, and others are extremely unpleasant:
‘Light’ Kundalini Awakening Symptoms
- You feel a spiritual connection with the Divine that transcends the ego
- You are bathed in bliss and boundless love
- You experience periods of Oneness where your compassion for humanity increases
- You tap into extrasensory abilities (ESP) and/or develop extraordinary gifts
- Pleasurable sensations pulsate through your body
- You’re inspired to make big, life-altering decisions and authentic changes in your life
- Synchronicity (i.e., meaningful or miraculous coincidences) increases tremendously
- You have profound insights into your behavior and past experiences
- Your empathic abilities strengthen, and you can feel everything at a profound level
- You begin to understand the nature of the mind and how it influences reality
- You keep receiving big, cosmic “downloads” of information (soul communication)
‘Dark’ Kundalini Awakening Symptoms
- You experience intense, involuntary shaking of the body that can be alarming
- Your nervous system becomes hypersensitive to external stressors (bright lights, TV violence, loud noises) and shuts down or craves total solitude
- You struggle to sleep properly
- You experience sudden and shocking moments of ego death
- You have visual disturbances that can feel alarming (e.g., objects seeming to vibrate)
- You experience intense heat, vibrations, or electricity surge through your body
- It feels like you’re having a bad drug trip while sober
- You struggle to distinguish what is real from imagined (psychosis) and feel like you’re going crazy
If you would like to learn more about each of these symptoms and the stages they correspond to, you can read my article on Kundalini Awakening Stages.
Other Kundalini Awakening Symptoms
The above kundalini awakening signs are fairly common. However, as someone who has experienced the energy of kundalini move through me, I can say that it doesn’t happen in the exact same way for everyone.
One of the most recent experiences I’ve had with kundalini, for instance, was preceded by two weeks of low-scale feelings of ‘impending doom,’ followed by the kundalini energy gently moving from my head and down through my body into my stomach.
The energy felt gentle, like a soft breath of wind, and when it reached my stomach, it felt like it was ‘working’ on something there. Then it melted away and vanished.
Here are some other, and perhaps less common, kundalini awakening symptoms:
- Feeling shattered (fragmented) or like you have no center
- Dreaming of snakes or seeing snakes everywhere (this is an alert from your subconscious mind)
- Feeling raw and extremely vulnerable, like a newborn child
- Manic and exuberant energy or the opposite, chronic fatigue (sometimes alternating)
- Frequent lucid dreams or vivid dreams
- Seeing lights or hearing music that isn’t there
- Tapping into your past life experiences (or other people’s)
- Entering spontaneous yoga poses (known as kriyas), mudras (hand poses), or pranayama (yogic breathing)
- Developing a Savior Complex or feelings of grandiosity
- Feeling intense grief for the planet and all suffering beings
- Out-of-body experiences where you (may/may not) connect with your Higher Self
- Visual and hearing changes
- Panic attacks and feelings of terror
- Strange food cravings or aversions
- Spontaneous orgasms
- Developing strange, undiagnosable physical symptoms that may manifest as autoimmune conditions, digestive issues, nausea, etc.
Have you experienced any of the signs mentioned above? Feel free to share your experience in the comments. This might help others who have undergone similar experiences to not feel alone.
Is Kundalini Awakening Dangerous?
This is a fair question, especially considering some of the symptoms mentioned above.
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To answer the question, yes and no. Kundalini energy isn’t innately dangerous or bad. It’s our energy blockages that limit the flow of kundalini that make it a painful, scary, and sometimes dangerous experience.
In Georg Feuerstein’s book Tantra: Path of Ecstasy, he explores why kundalini can go haywire:
Without prior cleansing of the nādī system, raising the serpent power (kundalinī-shakti) along the axial pathway is not only impossible but also very dangerous to attempt, for instead of entering the central channel (sushumnā-nādī) it is likely to force itself into the idā- or the pingalā-nādī, on either side of the central channel, causing immense havoc in the body and mind.
In other words, when kundalini is prematurely stimulated or aroused in an incorrect way (aka., through inadequate preparation and clearing of our energetic body), the results can be disastrous. Thankfully, the experience doesn’t last forever, and we’ll explore what to do if you’re experiencing the ‘dark side’ of kundalini awakening a little later.
But to further illustrate, Feuerstein goes on to quote the experience of yogi and mystic Gopi Krishna during his spontaneous kundalini experience. He writes:
There were dreadful disturbances in all the organs, each so alarming and painful that I wonder how I managed to retain my self-possession under the onslaught. The whole delicate organism was burning, withering away completely under the fiery blast racing through its interior. I knew I was dying and that my heart could not stand the tremendous strain for long. My throat was scorched and every part of my body flaming and burning, but I could do nothing to alleviate the dreadful suffering. If a well or river had been near I would have jumped into its cold depths, preferring death to what I was undergoing. . . . I racked my distracted brain for a way of escape, only to meet blank despair on every side. The effort exhausted me and I felt myself sinking, dully conscious of the scalding sea of pain in which I was drowning.
I’ll stop there because I know that this might be alarming to you (or alternatively, affirming, helping you to see that you’re not alone if you’ve experienced this).
In short, kundalini is a mighty potent force.
If you’re seeking to awaken it, be sure you know what you’re doing and seek out trustworthy guidance. This is not something to be trifled with.
Spiritual Awakening vs. Kundalini Awakening – What’s the Difference?
While the two sound the same, they’re slightly different in nature.
The spiritual awakening process (or what we refer to as the spiritual wanderer’s journey) tends to be emotional and psychological. Kundalini awakening, on the other hand, is energetic: it’s a surge of energy that may be either gentle and gradual, or sudden and intense.
While kundalini awakening usually comes further down the road after someone has experienced a spiritual awakening, it doesn’t always.
As mentioned previously, kundalini can arise suddenly in response to psychedelic drug experiences, sexual encounters, or even traumatic situations.
Another distinguishing factor is that kundalini energy is felt very physically whereas the spiritual awakening is usually more mind and heart oriented.
So while intense vibrations and heat may be felt in the body during kundalini awakening, during spiritual awakening there is more of a soulful quality of deep questioning, insight, and transfiguration (some refer to this as spiritual alchemy).
Can someone experience both spiritual awakening and kundalini awakening at the same time? Yes, absolutely.
It’s for this reason that both tend to lead to the experience of the Dark Night of the Soul (or the inevitable after-effect of having felt like one has ‘lost touch’ with the Divine). Ultimately, they are two sides of the same coin.
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5 Hidden Traps of Kundalini Awakening
The kundalini shakti bestows liberation on yogins and bondage on the ignorant.
– Svātmarāma (15th century yogi master)
Kundalini awakening is a life-changing mystical experience that can feel magical, ecstatic, and profound. And it is. But there are also many hidden traps we can fall into after we’ve emerged out of the other end.
Some of these traps involve:
- Spiritual superiority – seeing yourself as “more awake” than others and looking down on those who are not as advanced or still “asleep” (also known as spiritual narcissism)
- Savior complex – adopting a disproportionate sense of self-grandiosity and specialness, believing that you’re sent to “save the world” (e.g., for those who have undergone kundalini psychosis, this can even mean believing they’re Jesus Christ or the next Buddha)
- Grasping and attachment – desperately trying to hold onto the blissful experiences of the kundalini awakening and being miserable (even entering crisis mode) when it’s inevitably lost (this can result in spiritual materialism and the dark night of the soul)
- Spiritual nihilism – taking universal truths and misapplying them to a human level, e.g., “all is an illusion,” “nothing ultimately matters” which breeds a sense of dissociation, emptiness, and cynicism
- Avoidance – avoiding or spiritually bypassing everyday responsibilities and focusing only on “higher spiritual matters” (this is essentially a way for the ego to avoid growing up and integrating the experience at a human level)
I explore a variety of different spiritual issues that can arise on the spiritual wanderer’s journey which you can check out in the Traps & Pitfalls section of this site.
How to Handle a Kundalini Awakening
If your kundalini has awoken and you’re feeling overwhelmed, here’s some guidance:
1. Be gentle with yourself and take care of your nervous system
Likely, your nervous system is going into overdrive if you’re having a painful kundalini experience. Some ways to calm your nerves can include:
- Taking a warm bath with essential oils like lavender (you can also try magnesium salts). If a warm bath doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, try a cold shower. Be mindful and notice how your body and mind respond to the temperature of the water.
- Find something/someone that brings you a feeling of safety. This might be cuddling your dog or cat, asking your partner or friend to hold you, finding a cozy nook in nature, or relaxing in a corner of your house that brings you comfort.
- Listen to calming music.
- Try slow guided breathing using an app like Calm or InsightTimer. (Be mindful of how your body responds. Stop immediately at the first sign of discomfort.)
- Ground yourself outdoors in nature.
- Eat grounding foods (potatoes, root vegetables, organic meat)
2. Stop all spiritual practice temporarily
Yes, your spiritual practice might be amplifying the effects of your kundalini awakening. So stop. Let yourself rest. If you crave a replacement practice, try mindfulness as it helps to ground you in the present moment. Read my article on the spiritual emergency for more helpful ideas.
3. Seek out compassionate help
If you still struggle with the kundalini energy being too intense, I strongly recommend seeking out the guidance of a transpersonal or depth psychotherapist. The best guides are those who understand the importance of integrating the mind and spirit (or spiritual psychology).
There are also people who specialize in kundalini awakening help that you can find online – but tread carefully. Trust your instincts. If you feel worse or if you get weird vibes about someone, you don’t owe them any explanation. Leave. Find someone else. You have the right to get the guidance you need.
Kundalini Awakening FAQ
Here are some other questions you might have about this powerful experience on the spiritual journey:
Usually, there is a period of long integration after the kundalini awakening experience. In other words, it takes a while for the mind, heart, and soul of a person to fully comprehend what they’ve been through and translate that into daily life. For some (extremely) rare people, kundalini awakening results in liberation from the separate self and the realization of non-dual awareness (also known as ‘enlightenment’).
There are many methods out there that help to stimulate kundalini energy. Most involve either Tantric and/or Yogic practice. Visualization, plant medicines (like psilocybin mushrooms and ayahuasca), certain breathwork techniques, belly dancing, and meditations also help to awaken kundalini energy. But remember to always be gentle, go slowly, and know what you’re doing. Kundalini energy is powerful and not to be messed around with.
The answer is that it varies for everyone. Some people experience the awakening of kundalini early on their spiritual path (indeed, for some it actually triggers the spiritual search). For others, kundalini awakens after many years of spiritual practice. There is no set-in-stone rule here: it depends on your unique energetic blockages, destiny, soul, and many other factors.
***
As the kundalini awakens, you naturally become aware of your true nature, the nature of God, and the purpose of your existence. It is an accelerated path to God-Realization, and can create many extraordinary experiences and realizations.
– Steven Sadleir (Looking For God)
Kundalini awakening can happen gradually and subtly or explosively and rapidly on our spiritual awakening journeys.
Known as the Serpent Power, the Inner Woman, and the essence of Shakti, kundalini energy can be a force of tremendous awakening or deep enslavement. The key is to be mindful, practice spiritual discernment, trust in your soul’s strength, and seek help where needed.
Remember that the ultimate purpose of kundalini is to dissolve the inner knots that keep you small and limited, helping you to awaken to your Eternal, Primordial, True Nature.
Have you had a kundalini awakening experience? What was it like? I’d be fascinated to hear below.
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I’ve been feeling like I’m literally going crazy. I started my spiritual awakening process about 1.5 years ago, but in the last 6 months it’s really taken off. This was triggered by a tragic event, although I’ve had psychic abilities since birth. I wasn’t sure what was going on with me and why I was feeling so crazy; body temperature going haywire, super sensitive to lights, sounds, touches, tastes, smells, weird body movements like being jolted out of your seat, major manic episodes full of energy where I can stay up for 2 days and do nothing but study metaphysics, major fatigue where I’ll sleep for 2 days straight, showers hurting because of the water pressure, seeing lights flash across my field of vision 24/7, seeing shadows, spirits talking to me and touching me 10x more now than before, more lucid dreaming than I’ve ever done before, wanting to isolate non stop all day and be alone in my bedroom, electronics doing weird things, seeing 11:11 on the clock twice a day every day, de ja vu moments a couple times a week, synchronicities plain as day everywhere I turn, feeling lost and confused, needing to follow what my soul purpose is like we need water to survive but I can’t seem to get on the path there, feeling like I’m wasting this life or this incarnation because I’m not doing what I was born to do, seeing things so clearly yet everything seems so hazy and cloudy at the same time, plus so, so, so many more!!!! I just happened to click on this page and it clicked! This is what’s going on with me!! I’m trying to embrace everything and soak up these learning experiences, but the feeling of seeming like or looking like you’re going crazy is sometimes all too consuming.
So I know I’m meant to be a teacher and a healer. But I don’t know how to get there. I am a clairvoyant, Clairsentient, and claircognant. With all this I should know what’s going on inside me, right?! Wrong! We are always learning, growing, maturing on a soul level and there is never an ending to the knowledge you want to, need to, crave to, and are certain to learn on your journey here on earth!!
Word for word Erica I am experiencing the same things. I see entities all the time, spirits visit me at night, i go in bouts of sleeplessness, I have instincts to do something big that will make a difference in a positive way but yet I don’t know where to start. At times I feel that it’s not even me speaking but an inner voice. I have experienced 2 outer body experiences . My struggle is how do I align or synchronize my day to day life to my unconscious or spiritual life.
Erica and Dan oh wow yes yes yes! This started for me “spontaneously” (I now see it’s been waiting in the wings for decades) and that date was 15 months ago…
I almost never post anything, but I felt strongly to write here and hopefully reassure you that it will get easier, simpler, more joyous and more stable. I promise! :-)
There’s no doubt we all travel our own unique paths (that’s part of the deal!) but here’s some things I found that helped me –
Grounding. And more grounding. Oh, and more grounding. What alerted me to this was realising there must be a reason I was lying down, flat, at least once every two hours! I was searching the internet daily and also meeting various therapists etc from time to time, desperate to help myself / find what to focus on / not “slip into full time crazy” when I found a Scottish lady who has some free grounding meditations. A mere 20 minutes later, I had my first comfortable breath in 4 months since “it” began. For me, grounding is the one essential point that makes everything else flow naturally and keep gently moving forward.
I’ve learned so much in 15 months. I’m so grateful to lonerwolf and all the other people I’ve discovered in what has been a terrifying yet beautiful period of this life. IT DOES GET EASIER! Hang in there. The rewards are waiting for you… And hey, you’re not alone Xx But you know that already, right?!?
While my head and heart loves lonerwolf THANKS so much Alethia & Mateo!!! and I’m definitely grateful, appreciative, inspired, by all your writings… But when it comes to grounding, here’s what helped me –
SpiritualAwakeningSigns.com
Hi,i know what you are going through
my name is angi
had my startup four years ago
i often wish to have contact to a human beeing to share thoughts
it is too stressful for people around me
because this is no smalltalk
give me an answer in this blog
if you want to share our thoughts
I would love to get in touch with you. My Facebook is Karin Renate Krabbenhöft Moore plz friend request so we could messenger ad. Would love to learn from you
I Am That.
I am seeing a lot of wonder with words “I think”, What is it”,. “Am I”, can it? Etc
The first thing to happen to you:
It begins with a strong pulse in the top rack of your back teeth on the left side of your head a gently tugs at your head as it comes around and over until stopping at the right side of your head. Every cell in your brain will bristle with energy.
This takes about 15 seconds and will scare the crap out of you.
An angel has just fused with you.
You will then begin to notice energy welling up in different places on your body and these are your chakras or centers.
this energy concentration will continue and it will become very uncomfortable and then it will begin to hurt it becomes very intense it takes about a year and two months before one of these centers opens depending upon how polluted you are.
this is a very terrifying experience things are coming within your body that you have no control of and do not understand and it is very intense and it never stops.
Along the way you learn complete surrender.
One at a time your centers will open beginning at the bottom which are not very traumatic but still nonetheless very intense until you reach your heart.
Heart center opens and your chest explodes.
Your throat or your gate will open it’s not all that intense but it’s necessary.
The next is your forehead and it takes a lot to open that more than likely you will feel it also and moving around and it will feel as if somebody has a hold of it and is twisting it until it breaks when it opens there is no wondering or mistaking it.
By this time at this point you’re completely workout and ready to die anyway so nothing matters anyhow.
The last one to open is in the center of your brain the face of your brain and you’re going to feel it also and something’s going to get a hold of it it takes a spear of energy from both sides to open it and it’s a big deal.
Ok they’re all open and your still alive.
Next thing is after a while energy is going to accumulate at the base of your spine and begin to rise and it will open each one of your centers and it will come up and you must hold the gate open for it it will reach a certain point and the rest is up to you to finish.
And when the crown of your head explodes it is truly Union with God there are no words to describe it nothing in The human experience will prepare you for any of this.
all of this energy you can now wield but it makes no sense you cannot prophecy you cannot heal you cannot see you cannot do anything and you will spend some time at this level maybe 5 years maybe more and nothing will make any sense to you.
Because you have not received a full measure.
One day you will become disoriented stun I call it spiritually you will know something is coming something big is about to happen to you.
Go lay down.
This is the day you will use a wormhole consciously to traverse time and space. Your first stop is the crucifixion where you will receive a hole in your lower left rib cage from a spear.
Again more wormholes yourself and stuff you will be standing before the throne and seated upon it is an anthropomorphic figure with no face. well the being stands up off of the throne you will be drawn into the being. you will sit down on the throne and when you stand up the throne will takeoff through a wormhole and you will follow.
Next stop is an island in the shape of a crescent and it is where you will receive eternal life.
Bam, more wormholes and your back home in your bed.
Now your life begins.
you can consciously use one holes travel forward and backward in time traverse along distances you are a cosmic citizen you are sovereign Master congratulations.
Yes, it was just like that …my awakening began on Holly Friday 2011, so imagine ! The wormholes description… first time I read someone acknowledging them … the whole process took me over two years… Do you believe a second kundalini awakening is possible ? I wish I could experience it again with the wisdom I have gained so it would not be so scary a second time around … thank you
Wow. I am absolutely blown away. I am experiencing the Kundilini and Spiritual Awakening symptoms at the same time. What stood out for me the most is you mentioning seeing/reading about snakes. That’s been one of the major themes I’ve been going through. But I’ve also been experiencing ascension symptoms as well.
I have had a few thoughts come up while reading this article. I believe that they are all forms of Kundalini energy even if not stated in this article. However I could be wrong. One experience was the morning I woke up with myself body in bridge pose. Another time I feel I have experienced kundalini energy was through meditation. Occasionally I will feel an energetic squeezing around my skull at the forehead level. It would be painful at times but not frightening. It was intriguing and I came to learn it is what some refer to as the corona. Or an energetic crown. On a few other occasions while processing an painful experience I have felt an almost burning sensation in my heart or throat chakras. It would feel like it fire was dissolving my block.
When meditating I can somewhat direct the energy. However I am uncertain of what to do with it. Other times has felt yo be exiting through my crown chakra. If you know of any resources that would help me to learn more, I’d be grateful for you sharing them.
Gina, these other experiences you’ve had do sound like kundalini energy spontaneously manifesting in you. If you’re not sure how to direct the energy, it might be worth seeking out a kundalini yoga instructor (but be discerning and careful, not all are properly trained). Other than that, there’s nothing you need to really ‘do’ with this energy. Just let it come when it comes and work its magic. Everything happens when it’s meant to happen. <3
Hi,i know what you are going through
my name is angi
had my startup four years ago
i often wish to have contact to a human beeing to share thoughts
it is too stressful for people around me
because this is no smalltalk
give me an answer in this blog
if you want to share our thoughts
I have been going through this for some time both light and dark! Thank you for this article it really has helped a lot ! I have experienced more of the darker side of things with bits of light here and there! Thank you f
I believe I went through dark night of the soul 2012 through 2014. It happened when I had a few life stressors going on at that time, I’ve always had a high stress life coming from family dysfunction as a child up into my young adulthood until I learned to let go and trust everything has a way of working out, especially in situations I can’t change. I had always been one to dealing with my stress inside. I had carried alot and I was full emotionally too full of emotional junk! Lol. Well during a warm spring night in 2012 I awoke with severe panic attack I never suffered before. I went to the emergency room thinking I was suffering heart failed, I wasn’t. A week later I started having uncontrollable running thoughts, 100’s of my voice talking in my head even while I tried to sleep. Feelings of my brain rotating in my skull, repositioning. Back of the strain and pain. I had moments of chilly hand and feet. Prickly electric shocking sensations in the tips of my fingers and toes. Seeing little light sparks in my peripheral vision. Lucid dreams, dreaming of a great while cobra, numb lips. Voice escaping my lips when I almost drifting into sleep. Stomach uneasiness, a craving for fruits and vegetables, especially dark greens. Feelings of I can drive my own inner self from outside my body while fully away in the day.heightened awareness of self, heightened empathy, see the dark and light and grey in others. feeling spiritually high then again hit rock bottom feeling staight deep and depressed. I sought help from a therapist, and he has been helpful. I learned breathing technique, begging of meditation, and being more patient with the process.But its now 2020 soon to be 2021 and I’m still vibeing a new set of challenges in my journey. Life traumas has been my trigger…I’ve been shaken to the core, its bring out the strenght in me I didnt know I had. Its a rocky ride that’s for sure.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can resonate completely, almost as if i had written it. Keep on working through sister.
Beginning in 2009 my body began to rebel, slowly it disintegrated into a rare auto immune disorder, Stiff Person Syndrome, except I have none of the blood markers, nor do the treatments work. As my gifts are getting stronger, my disease symptoms are getting worse. I am bed ridden most of the time and in constant pain. I have every Dark Kundalini symptom you’ve listed and I have no idea how to stop it. I feel the strength of my gifts, I’ve been told by several spiritualists that bI have v the strongest potential they’ve met. I have lived 52 years being abused in every manner possible, the trauma has come close to breaking me several times. I need help! I love your newsletters, especially this one
L8ydrgn (at) hotmail.com
Thank you for opening up and sharing your struggles here, Victoria. What you’re experiencing does indeed sound mysterious – and if there’s no known biological cause, it’s almost definitely spiritual/psycho-somatic in nature (keep in mind that this is just my opinion as a non-medical professional). For some reason, I feel called to ask you whether you’ve explored something called TRE or heard of it. It stands for Trauma Release Exercise. I encourage you to explore it (there are free videos on youtube and a website on it: https://traumaprevention.com/ I truly hope it helps you in some way. Sending lots of love your way <3
It is VERY different for those stuck here on 3D earth who are virgins, as all know since back in March, no one is dating anymore, and it is truly insane to think men and women can be expected to stay a yardstick apart for much longer !! it has been 38 weeks of this already !! the virus hoax has killed dating and human contact like a giant fear bomb was dropped back in March. Truly only thru playing out sex fantasies in the AstraL kingdom, can any peace and connections between souLs ever be realized, planet earth is doomed, the cutting off of all human contact is ushering in all the karmic doom. Love ? where? I haven’t seen any Love in 38 weeks , all I see are a bunch of covered up scared rabbits, (( we do NOT wear the silly fear masks here in Ohio))
——Todd
ohio st Univ
You are definitely on the wrong page. Go find a conspiracy theory page. That is what your lack of intelligence suggest. I would suggest getting educated and following science instead of unintelligent sources.
Thank you so much for this post. It popped up in my email, grateful for my angels. I was just told by my yoga teacher that I should look into the kundalini awakening process workshop by Tao Semko. Which i will begin in January. I have truly felt like I’ve been going crazy.
I don’t know how to equate what I have been feeling of late with a kundalini awakening and am most likely given over to believing it’s the uncoiling of an entire lifetime of repressed feelings and experiences.
Outside that preface, I have to say the issue that’s bothering me the most is whether I repressed memories of sexual abuse by my adoptive father. That I am about to write of it in the manner I am probably suggests nothing of the sort of an energetic awakening but perhaps rather a psychological reckoning.
The first time I spoke of even the idea of it was when I was at a local homeless shelter about twenty five years after my father’s death. Obviously a lot of life intervened in between but there I was and the director of the shelter’s substance abuse program was skeptical of my seeking their help, suggesting that local mental health services might be more appropriate but I insisted that I really needed deeper help because I may have been sexually abused as a child.
I have made up a lot of things in my life, frivolously, wantonly and about deadly serious things that no one in a right mental state would ever think to lie about much less, and I think the distinction is important, try to represent as the truth. I didn’t know how to understand the circumstances of my adoption so I made up things about who my birth parents and how tragic their circumstances must have been in order for them to give me up. I lied all the time during my childhood because I couldn’t square how this magnanimous gesture of adopting me could leave me subject to the very real, very memory forming instances of traumatic physical and psychological abuse that I endured. I don’t have any real memory of sexual abuse. I have a lifetime of working through acting out, substance abuse, anxiety, chronic pain in my spine, chronic insomnia, fear of being touched when I am sleeping, absolute alienation from family and long-term friends and about half a lifetime’s worth of, when I do get close to somebody, it’s almost always somebody who I find out has been sexually abused or their partners who are supporting them. All of these things by no stretch of the imagination add up to sexual abuse but I have been alienated from my family for long enough, studied and endured chronic, trauma related pain for long enough, that I have been forced to add up a lot of things for myself and I just can’t square it all up anymore.
Maybe the real reason for writing all this has nothing to do with awakening except for now, the fortieth anniversary of my father’s death, I am fifty years old and wishing I could awaken from not knowing and not understanding so many things about my life.
I am asking for help with this, please. I feel like i have reached a complete wall and lack the psychological, spiritual and personal wherewithal to move forward. I am trying to take personal responsibility for what i can but i feel empty and lost and don’t know what to do but ask for help.
Please reach out if you need to talk ~ where are you in the world?
Lizzie underscore lead at hotmail dot com
send me sms
0177 5953997
my location is germany
Around a year ago as I was watching the last episode of “The good place” and in the last scene the characters became one with the energy, one with everything and in that moment a surge of energy enlightened in me.I felt so at peace, so vibrant and happy ,a feeling the same with the one after experiencing the dark night and reached the divine.That feeling I experienced then once in 3-4 months then once in 1-2 months, after that once in 2-3 weeks,once in a week and now once in 2-3 days.A feeling so great and divine.I believe that awakening the true nature is near.