You feel pushed. Manipulated. Exploited. Dominated. Coerced. Pressured. Bullied. Controlled.
The person in front of you has gone too far and has overstepped your personal boundaries. But you don’t know what to do. You feel weak and helpless. A quiet desperation rises inside of you. You feel like a fly stuck in a web.
What can be done?
If you struggle with energy loss and issues such as overcommitment, lack of assertiveness, and peer pressure, keep reading. It’s time to draw a clear line and reclaim your personal power.
Table of contents
- What are Personal Boundaries?
- Why Are Personal Boundaries So Important?
- 18 Signs You Have Poor Personal Boundaries
- Why Do We Suffer From Poor Personal Boundaries?
- 5 Myths About Personal Boundaries
- 12 Benefits of Creating Strong Personal Boundaries
- How to Create Personal Boundaries That People Don’t Ignore
What are Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the mental, emotional, and physical walls we create to protect ourselves from being used, manipulated, or violated by others. These limits help us to clearly distinguish who we are and what we need, from other people and their needs. Creating and maintaining personal boundaries is a key way to cultivate physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.
Why Are Personal Boundaries So Important?
Personal boundaries are an essential part of creating and upholding a healthy self-image. When a person has strong personal boundaries, it communicates to the world that they exude healthy self-respect and self-worth. Hence, creating boundaries makes us feel good about ourselves and preserves our personal integrity.
But without personal boundaries, we run the risk of confusing our needs and wants with others, which leads to codependency. Codependency is a term that describes a toxic one-sided relationship. It is impossible to enjoy a healthy relationship without strong and clear boundaries.
Without personal boundaries, there is also the risk of experiencing heightened stress and feelings of hopelessness. Overcommitting to everyone and everything tends to take a serious toll on your mental health, which can eventually lead to burnout. Or worse: a nervous breakdown.
Finally, a lack of personal boundaries can result in feelings of being worthless, weak, or not good enough. In other words, our self-esteem is severely impacted and we might struggle with issues such as chronic self-doubt or self-loathing. Not being able to voice our truth and communicate our needs in a clear way can be deeply distressing.
18 Signs You Have Poor Personal Boundaries
Pay attention to the following signs:
- You fail to speak up when you’re treated badly
- You give away too much of your time
- You agree with a person when you actually feel like disagreeing
- You say “yes” to a person when you want to say “no”
- You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
- You feel taken for granted by others
- You permit people to touch you when you feel uncomfortable or want them to stop
- You have toxic relationships (i.e. you are always giving, and the other is always taking)
- You make too many grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
- You are passive aggressive and might have manipulative tendencies (as a way of trying to regain your lost power)
- You constantly feel like the victim
- You feel like you have to “earn” respect by being nice
- You over-share details about your life with others
- You feel guilty when others aren’t happy (as if you’re responsible)
- You are what other people want/need you to be, and not who YOU need to be
- You’re out of touch with your needs
- You attract people who try to control or dominate you
- You have chronic fear about what others think of you
Why Do We Suffer From Poor Personal Boundaries?
Before you blame yourself for having poor boundaries, stop for a moment. I want you to understand that it wasn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility to now develop strong boundaries. So take a moment to feel some compassion for yourself.
As children, we had no control what our parents, teachers, and the adults around us taught us. Most people who possess absent or weak personal boundaries were set a bad example when young. Observing codependent dynamics within our families contributed a lot to this issue, as well as being taught that love = what we did, not who we were.
As a child, the first role models you had of “acceptable” behavior were your parents and family members. So pause to reflect here: what messages did your mother, father, siblings, or other adults send to you growing up? Were you only given love when you pretended to be who your parents wanted you to be? Were you only rewarded when you went out of the way to sacrifice your needs and desires in favor of someone else’s? Were you punished for saying “no” or speaking up? Did you feel obliged to emotionally “take care” of an adult, perhaps a parent? These were all signs that you were taught that lacking personal boundaries equaled a “good” thing.
5 Myths About Personal Boundaries
If you struggle with setting clear boundaries, you might carry a number of mistaken beliefs that you were conditioned to believe.
Here are some myths that I want you to become aware of:
- “Having personal boundaries is selfish.” This is an unhealthy perception. Having personal boundaries is a form of self-respect and is part of possessing good self-esteem. All mentally and emotionally healthy people possess boundaries.
- “Having personal boundaries will cause my relationships to suffer.” If you are in a codependent relationship, creating boundaries will most certainly create uncomfortable waves of change. If your partner is codependently entangled with you, he/she will be shocked and will certainly resist your efforts to be happy and healthy. The same thing goes for codependent friendships. If this is the case, I encourage you to consider whether being in a toxic relationship/friendship is worth it. Any healthy and supportive relationship will actually THRIVE and encourage the establishment of personal boundaries.
- “Having personal boundaries will cause people to dislike me.” This is only partly true. The reality is that yes, setting clear boundaries might step on a few people’s toes. But creating boundaries will also cause more people to respect, hear, and like you. There is nothing more admirable than a person who refuses to take bullshit from others. Not only that but when you set boundaries, you will actually attract more people who are willing to respect you and be authentic friends/lovers.
- “Having personal boundaries will make me miserable.” This is a common concern. But my response is simple: creating personal boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, but pretty soon it’ll make you feel empowered and in control of your life again. So the opposite here is true: having personal boundaries will actually make you MUCH happier!
- “Having personal boundaries sounds rigid.” Personal boundaries are not black or white or set in stone. They are flexible according to your needs in the moment.
12 Benefits of Creating Strong Personal Boundaries
Here’s what you can expect from putting in the hard work of setting clear boundaries:
- You’ll be able to say “no”
- You’ll feel empowered again
- You’ll feel more in control of your life
- You’ll attract healthy + supportive partners and friends
- You’ll have more mental, emotional, and physical energy
- You’ll be able to speak up and be heard
- You’ll feel more appreciated and valued
- You’ll be more in touch with your needs
- You’ll spend more time on yourself (without the guilt)
- You’ll experience more emotional balance and happiness
- You’ll experience increased self-esteem and self-worth
- You’ll feel more courage and freedom to be yourself
Remember that these qualities won’t develop overnight, but with practice and persistence, you will be able to experience these wonderful benefits.
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How to Create Personal Boundaries That People Don’t Ignore
Creating boundaries is less about other people and more about you and the beliefs and mindsets you have. The following practices and pieces of advice will help you to target both your core beliefs and habitual behaviors.
1. Understand that you have the right to have boundaries
Lurking underneath the surface of people-pleasing behavior is the belief that we “have no right” to set boundaries. It’s time to challenge this ingrained assumption. Why are others allowed to have boundaries and not you? Why must you feel like a lesser human being and elevate others above yourself? It is a fundamental right of all human beings to have personal boundaries. Consider it your birthright to establish boundaries that define and protect you. Not only is it your right to create boundaries, but it is also your responsibility.
2. Understand that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are equally important to others
No one’s thoughts, feelings or needs are “above” anyone else’s. Social status is an illusion created by the human mind – in other words, the Queen of England’s needs are equal to a homeless person’s needs. The only division created between us and others exists in the mind. Therefore, you are not “less important,” valuable, or worthy than others. Your needs are equally important to those in your life. Learn to see yourself as equal to others. Affirm your worth each and every day with a mantra such as “I am worthy and my needs are important.” Learn to distrust and disagree with those who try to make you think or feel otherwise.
3. Explore your needs
Likely, you don’t have much experience or knowledge of your needs, especially if you ignore them to cater to other’s demands. Now is the time to start learning more about yourself. Keep a daily journal in which you record your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Practicing self-reflection and introspection will help you to become more in tune with what you really need at any given moment. Practicing mindfulness is another powerful way to know what boundaries you need to set during the day. Dedicate to a self-discovery practice each day and aim to learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. This is one of the best ways to begin setting personal boundaries. A fun way to start learning about who you are is by taking self-discovery tests (take a look at our tests).
4. Practice daily self-care (because you’re worth it!)
Practicing daily self-care is a supplementary practice that will bolster your ability to set clear personal boundaries. When you get into the habit of nurturing yourself, you are already setting yourself up for success. You’re sending yourself the message that “I’m worth taking care of.” Setting firm boundaries will then seem like the next natural step in your self-care routine.
Simple ways to perform self-care include taking time to relax, practicing meditation, making delicious and nutritious food for yourself, exercising, setting daily goals, complimenting yourself, rewarding yourself, taking a nap, connecting with nature, drinking a soothing cup of tea, and many other practices. Check out this article on self-love for more suggestions.
5. Learn to say “no”
Saying no is a key part of learning to be assertive and honoring your needs. You don’t need to flat out or aggressively say “no” if the situation doesn’t call for it. Instead, you can try saying phrases such as “no thank you,” “I can’t,” “I’m not able to,” “Not now,” “I’m busy, sorry,” “Maybe next time,” and so forth.
6. Identify when people cross the line
It’s not always easy to identify when others overstep your boundaries, particularly if you’re used to not having any. Take time to record in a private journal each day all of the moments when you felt uncomfortable, upset, or disrespected by someone during the day. This journaling exercise will help you to develop more self-awareness.
Another way to know when people have overstepped your boundaries is by tuning into your body. Try to notice when you feel sensations like butterflies in your stomach, tension, or an increase in blood pressure which will manifest as feeling flustered and hot. Use these sensations as triggers to help you tune into the present moment and practice assertiveness.
7. Stop overcommitting
You are not obliged or indebted to uphold every single social commitment that you have. Don’t try to please others at your own expense. Committing too much to other people and circumstances creates stress and burnout. Learn to say no to non-essential things like work get-togethers, parties, and other social duties that are not life-or-death.
8. Be courageous: let go of toxic friendships and relationships
It takes a certain level of courage to make a commitment to keeping personal boundaries. Fake friends and flimsy relationships will inevitably self-destruct and fizzle away. This might leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, or like you’re doing something wrong. It is important in these tough times to keep affirming that setting personal boundaries is your fundamental human right. You are WORTH it. Those who are trying to control, use, or abuse you will try to stop you, but don’t let them hold you back. Cut away those who are polluting your life and seek out new friendships that are supportive and uplifting.
9. Seek help (but not from friends or family)
If you’re still needing help setting strong personal boundaries, chances are that those around you probably reinforce this behavior. So it’s not a wise idea to seek advice from them, however well-intentioned they may be. If you need more in-depth advice and personal assistance, I recommend either reading a book such as Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Henry Cloud and John Townsend or seek the help of a therapist (or both).
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Finally, remember to be gentle with yourself and show compassion. You were not responsible for developing poor boundaries (it was how you were conditioned). But you are responsible for now changing them and owning your personal power. I hope this article can help you do that.
What experiences have you had with people overstepping your boundaries? And what advice can you give to others in your situation? Please share below!
What are examples of good boundaries to be set???I would really like to know and be educated.
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Thanks for your detailed infomation, I really enjoyed reading it!
Very informative and good advice thanks for also sharing resources with it.
They say when you are ready, you find what you need. Everything written above I can now relate to and say absolutely it is so true.
I have a long history of abuse both physical and psychological stemming from childhood both from an alcoholic father and a very abusive mother who wasn’t satisfied with beating the living daylights out of me on a regular occasion for nothing but consistently everyday, ensured she maximised my hurt by inflicting psychological abuse on me as a kid and the whole way up along by informing me of how bad I was or would be etc. With my Dad, he never showed any real interest in me and I would wait for him for hours to come home, only when he did, he would be drunk and abusive. For years and years I have blamed myself that was the norm for me, thus being bullied in school and friends asking “why do you have such a low opinion of you?” .. all stemming from my boundaries as a little boy the whole way up being violated and not respected nor cared about.. It is shocking for me that this is my story and that when you love and look up to people esp your parents, they can do this back to you, causing oneself to feel ashamed for so long inside for not meeting their requirements to warrant such behaviour from them, as that is what one perceives as a child and is what one brings with oneself into adulthood amongs others, not caring about oneself as one feels one is defective insome way and not important and always being over-committed and a perfectionist. I thank God I had the strength in me to understand and see the light, and know how good I am and that I can love myself, letting go of the pain I suffered, and be the good man I know I am for when I can have kids and a wife I can love. It will always be a mystery for me why anyone can treat anyone in this way especially a child.. It has been said to me and indeed I know myself that such people have themselves had it hard. I don’t understand nor will I ever, that if a person suffers at the hands of another, then why do the same to someone innocent when they know it was wrong for them especially too it being their own child?
Thank you, I appreciate this so much! Thank you for your enlightenment and wise words.
Sadly, I feel like people take the “cancel all commitments/obligations” for the sake of self care to an extreme. People will make promises and then drop off the face of the planet for the sake of ‘self-care’ at the expense of someone else’s welfare/feelings. It’s messed up for someone to be in a vulnerable position granting their trust and faith only to be taken for some ride. That is incredibly disrespectful and manipulative, I wish people were more self-aware so they wouldn’t hurt and lead on others. I respect someone opting out after consideration, but abrupt change of ‘nevermind, jk’ really reflects a lack of emotional maturity and extreme selfishness. As someone who struggles with boundaries, isolation, and trust issues, I try to find balance between integrity and knowing what I can or cannot handle. I wish others could do the same.
Like for the enmeshment article, THANK YOU !!
This article has me SHOOK. I feel terrible that I relate so heavily to nearly every point but as stated, it is not my fault I suppose. I thought the Toxic Enmeshment article on here was hitting some close spots but this Personal Boundaries one is by far my life story. The responsibility aspect, while worth it, seems so daunting. There’s so many folks in my life that I have loved for years even though deep within myself, I intuit and therein shirk how toxic they are for me for the sake of that love. One thing I battle with is cutting off people with deep traumas or mental illnesses because I know that pain and would never want someone to leave me when I felt like that. I so often ignore red flags to “do unto others as I’d want done to/for me” yet RARELY experience that same level of compassion/reciprocation whilst battling with the double-edged sword of, “It shouldn’t matter because I did with no expectation and genuine love,” vs, “but why DON’T people go the extra mile as much as I do for them??” This and many other components are vicious, guilt-ridden, depressive (even suicidal) cycles for me. “Letting go” has been a BIG theme for me this year and I think finding this article tonight is a huge step in the direction I need to take in order to learn how. I thank LonerWolf for the years of insight always given. I just ask prayers and gentle, reassuring vibes be sent mine (& all other strugglers) way(s) so empowerment may take place for these beautiful, important steps to finally be put to action. #SelfLoveJourney #Healing #LetGoLetGod #LOA
Thank you for this. My life coach has been teaching me to set boundaries and it has not been easy. As mentioned, the people pushing back are family and my husband. I know that things might be unpleasant for a while , but that it will be worth it. Everyone is in shock since I learned to say no. It would be funny if everyone was not so cross right now for not getting their way. No, I don’t have over 100 dollars to spend to go to a Birthday at an amusement park (insert begging, pleading, guilting, suggesting I blow my budget, etc. ) Sorry not sorry!
This is really a good article about personal boundaries and helpful to those who struggle in that area. As for myself, I noticed I used to have almost all signs of poor personal boundaries, but I have made a good progress in the recent yers: I learned to say “no”, let go of a few toxic relationship and came more in touch with my needs. However, I still have a lot of work to do because I still tend to overcommit, always give and attract people who always take.
Thanks for your work.
This was a healing read..an affirmation to my personal desire to be free from any and all things. I have had a profoundly traumatic childhood and like Aletheia, I had to leave my entire family in order to heal myself. Neglect, abandonment and incest/sexual abuse has greater enormous challenges for me in just interacting with people. I have to spend an enormous amount of time isolated because my lack of ego development.
The article has touched on the core issues of boundaries. When you have been used for others gratification in whatever way, the victim suffers enormous lose even when language skill are lacking. My apparatus, my eco system spoke to me everyday about its severe emotional deprivation and it’s been my personal ambition to find who I am as a human and spiritual being. I have been ridicule for being “selfish” because my edifice, my outside appearance seems “put together” that it does not show signs of neglect in basic care. I have had to challenge not only my indoctrination’s regarding trauma or being wounded but I have had to teach others to respect how my apparatus communicates to me.
This article is dead on and I hope that many will find some form of understanding and respect for their sufferings. Sometimes are feelings have no real set word or words but when you read something and find that it speaks LOUDLY to you, it’s a blessing…a gift from the divine to help us along the path to peace.
I thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom into a much needed topic that plaques us all in one degree another. Boundaries are fundamental in any relationship that is center and anchored in mutual respect.
Blessings to you both….
I feel stuck because this is totally me! I have lack of personal boundaries! It feels to much and do not know how to fix it! Especially with my relations with my family. Tired of spending too much on things that I absolutely don’t want. Even though I like helping, but when it’s becomes like my job I can’t take it anymore. I feel angry all of a sudden and want to scream, whenever I get to do something I don’t do for others.
This article comes at the perfect time for me. I’m terrible with boundaries as I was very abused as a child. I just started working on boundaries today with my therapist. She’s just introducing me to the concept. Thank you so much. I love your emails and read every word of each linked article. I wish I could join your site other than through FaceBook which I don’t use. Oh well, I’m not going to be upset about that.
This is a great article, Sol! Thanks for providing such a good summary of what boundaries are and how to start creating them. My biggest challenge is my reactivity. In the moment when my boundaries are getting crossed, I’ll comply or shut down instead of speaking up. But once I’m away from the person and can think a bit, I come to terms with what happened and where I need to draw a line. How can I be more assertive in the moment, rather than after the fact?
Hey Tasha, thanks for sharing your experience with this.
I find that the easiest way to avoid being as reactive is by practicing beforehand.
By this I mean we must learn to develop a space between the moment we experience something and the moment we choose to act on it. The most common method for this is practicing any of the contemplative exercises, meditation being the most powerful and simplest.
By developing the muscle of awareness and learning to make space between ‘us’ and our emotions, we will be much less reactive when those moments arise.
Thank you so much for this article. It’s a perfect reminder that we all have the right to have boundaries ! In my case , I have started having difficulties in having my boundaries respected: ever since I’ve moved into a new country ,and into a new family ; I must admit that I was partly responsible right from the start for having given others ‘permission’ to cross my boundaries. Initially, I had little or no reactions to harsh comments from some family members , because I’m quite uncomfortable with new situations and new people , ( I’m an introvert); especially if those people would turn out to be toxic. Thanks to you, Luna and Sol, now I have learned that not having enough assertiveness in the presence of ‘energy vampires’ cannot help me much. I still have so much to learn from your great articles and books. I do feel empowered reading them! Thanks again for all your articles and the time and soul power you pour into your works. Lots of love and blessings to you
I’m happy to hear that Menila and you’re most welcome, thank you for sharing how much our work has supported you through your journey. It means a lot to the both of us!
I got surprised by a comment from my ex girl friend a few months ago, and didn’t know how to respond, and her new boyfriend also made a crack before we were spit up. He embarrassed me in front of my peers and left me speechless. I threw her out soon after, but felt so powerless during these interactions … Shit Tests!
I’m afraid I have been trained to be ashamed, as apposed to being strong, and I don’t like it. I don’t think any book is going to help in these instances, Throwing her out sooner might have though.
Thank you for writing this article! This is perfect timing for me to read right now, since I apparently have very weak boundaries and I feel like a doormat. Right now I have a manager who constantly crosses boundaries and tries to make everyone feel as small as possible and gets great joy from pissing people off . I’m an easy target because of weak boundaries. I will start journalling and following these tips to create some very necessary strong boundaries.
Thank you SO much!
You’re most welcome Susan :)
I received your email today and opened this article and it was exactly what I needed – thank you! I have only just realised I am an empath, after having had a breakdown, which I have realised is my Dark Night of the Soul. I am still struggling to come out of it and to protect myself from the daggers others are firing at me. I am trying to recover, but I cannot see the white light around me, the energy is blocked and I have been unable to protect myself from the negative energy of the people who are currently trying to dominate and control me. I have been very distressed by how much they despise me because I can see right through them and they don’t fool me as they fool everyone else. Thank you again for sending this today!
I have been in your shoes and I am coming out of it now, finally seeing the light again. Keep going, set boundaries, clear your chakras and believe in yourself. You are loved. Ask Archangel Michael to protect you and ask Archangel Raphael to Heal you, mind, body and spirit. This to shall pass.
My mother and father are both 83 years okd. Mom has always been controlling. Now that she is okder she needs help in many ways and go figure, I am the ine she needs to help her being the only daughter. I take her to all her appointments and help her with her bathing and personal needs. I am frustrated and burned out and need to get away but can’t. How do you tell a parent you are not going to be there for them anymore when they depend on you for help? They do not have the means for other assistance. I am near 60 years okd and have no life. I live in a minimal disability income and have no way to escape ☹️ I am locked into an apt with roommates until December and then I don’t know what I will do. I can’t move back home. That wil kill me.
You know, it seems that everything we do for others is a matter of “attitude” we gave at the time. If we “feel” that helping others (like our parent/s or someone in need) is a BLESSING instead of “thinking” it’s a burden, then our life feels enriched, peaceful and useful. It’s all a matter of “attitude”. Living with the concepts of “every one for themselves” is a dangerous risk of becoming Narcissistic. BALANCE is the key. “Thinking” you’re a victim of being used can change to “feeling” blessed to help another human being on this planet. Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, Mother Theresa & other wise people understood this & actually “felt” blessed, not burdened. It’s all a matter of attitude.
Well said John. I saw a sign once (in an office) that said, Five Minute Attitude Adjustment. It went on to say if you were having a bad day, all it took was 5 minutes to re-adjust your attitude. You could either walk around miserable or start over with a smile.
John when your life is taxi service for everyone and Always being the one to help it tends to wear you out. I love helping others. I am a caregiver at heart. However, when you call someone and say I’m not feeling well and Please have someone else help you today and it goes unheard and unaccepted and you have to force yourself into that respinsibility for that day it is difficult. I am in disability for an inflammatory arthritis and degenerative arthritis, (two different devastaing conditions), I live in constant pain and still do all the time. It is not merely an attitude adjustment for me. It is difficult at best. I still maintain a smile and a correct attitude. I just need thise who depend on me to be understanding when I am not able. That doesn’t happen and I can’t let someone down when they need me no matter how difficult it is for me and that just not always right.
Pat I understand. It is easy for others to suggest you change your attitudes but relationships are a two way thing and you have as much right as the other ie in this case your mother to be appreciated, understood and cared about, whether those things are given to you by the other person or yourself, and it should be both! It sounds like you have an enormous amount to deal with, I am sorry, it sounds like you are not from the UK, carers can get some assistance here. Are there any charities that could help you with your mum? Both my parents are controlling too, and believe themselves always to be in the right. I am 56 but in their company feel like a 10 year old. I hope something or someone comes along to help you … i am posting this a year after yours, you may not see it, but sending you virtual hugs all the same x