We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
You pick up the phone. It’s Jill. Again.
“Hi sweetie, just thought I’d give you a call! How are you?”
“Good thanks Jill. And you?”
“Oh, terrific! I wanted to tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah …”
We’ve all had those people in our lives who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseam. Once given the opportunity to talk about themselves, they’ll snap it up in an instant showing little regard or interest in what you have to say. Ever. And if they do, you know it’s a fake mask of politeness.
These people are the conversational narcissists in your life who hog every conversation you have, leaving your head spinning. Basically, talking to a conversational narcissist is like putting your head in a blender.
So, do you have a conversational narcissist in your life? There’s only one way to find out …
How To Spot The Conversational Narcissist
Not all narcissists are obnoxious or dislikeable people – in fact, many of them can be charming and appealing – and others are deeply wounded people … the only problem is that you hate talking to them. Why? Perhaps because you can pick up on the following character traits:
1. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2. They’re usually absorbed in fantasies of power, success, beauty and/or brilliance.
3. They have unreasonable expectations of other people, i.e. that everyone else should unquestioningly comply with them.
4. They overrate the importance of their achievements.
5. They crave constant validation, admiration and respect from the world.
Keeping these symptoms in mind, it’s no wonder that the conversational narcissist loves drilling you with every detail of their lives ad infinitum.
Which Kind Of Conversational Narcissist Do You Know?
There are two types of CN’s. These are the:
Active Conversational Narcissists & Passive Conversational Narcissists.
So let’s explore the first.
Active Conversational Narcissism
This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention onto themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few “supportive responses” so as not to appear rude, but end up using more “shifting responses”.
Please note that it’s normal and healthy to share stuff about yourself, as long as you direct the conversation back to the other person. At least, this is what the common law of conversational etiquette says.
Example 1 – Supportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? What breed are you wanting to get?”
Example 2 – Unsupportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? I was thinking about buying a puppy for my daughter as well!”
Person A – “Oh, yeah?”
Person B – “Uh-huh, I thought that a golden retriever would be … blah blah blah”.
Passive Conversational Narcissism
This subtle form of conversational narcissism occurs when you share something, and the conversational narcissist withholds their supporting responses until the conversation fizzle’s out.
Supporting responses are for instance: acknowledgments that indicate you’re listening, e.g “uh-huh”, “OK”, “Hmm”. They’re also statements that demonstrate active listening such as “that’s awesome!”, “why did you do that?”, “what are you planning to do now?”
Passive conversational narcissists withhold these statements, showing disinterest so that the conversation ends up dying – and is directed back to them. Score!
Example:
Person A – “I’m going to the casino tonight!”
Person B – ” (Pause) … oh, right … (pause)”
Person A – “I’m really excited because I won $200 last week!”
Person B – ” (Silence) …”
Person A – “Have you been there recently?”
Person B – “Oh yeah, I went a few weeks ago with my friends, it’s really interesting because we … blah blah blah”.
How To Interact With A Conversational Narcissist
Talking to a conversational narcissist can be draining and tedious – especially if you see there’s nothing in it for you. How about changing the way you look at things? Don’t worry, I don’t like the thought of changing something in myself either, especially when it’s the narcissist who should change!
The fact is: you can’t change anyone, so give up trying now. The only thing you can change is your outlook and perception. For instance, you could see talking to a conversational narcissist as a form of interpersonal training. You could also see it as a way to forge many great qualities such as patience, self-control (forbearance) and focus that all come with listening to a self-absorbed, insensitive and egotistical person.
According to the research I’ve done, the best way to interact smoothly with a narcissist is as following:
1. Don’t demand much. Don’t expect much.
2. Accept that you have to listen. A lot.
3. Don’t worry about boosting the narcissist’s ego with your acknowledgments (it’s not possible anyway).
4. For swift conversation, resist the temptation of challenging the narcissist’s thoughts and desires.
5. Smile and keep quiet a lot.
I don’t necessarily agree with this way of approaching narcissists all the time – but if you’re not in the mood to stir the pot, these five rules will help you ease the tension that comes with talking to them.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting to end a conversation with them quickly, I’ve found the following techniques work wonders:
- Talk about something really boring, and keep repeating what you’ve just said in different ways. You’ll look a bit manic, but oh well.
- Stop giving supportive statements and use reverse psychology instead, i.e. become either an active or passive conversational narcissist yourself.
- Set a time limit. After half an hour or an hour leave the conversation, no matter what.
I’d love to hear any stories you have about conversational narcissism. So feel free to share below!
I have been with a narcissist for nearly 14 yrs. He is a conversation hoarder and always brings the attention back to himself. I used to sit there listening for hours as he droned on about everything/anything that he deemed “important”… Then, I decided to take the bull by the horns. Now I just say.. ” Well it’s been great talking to you. Got to go. Have a great day.” I end it. Then and there. I decided when these conversations were over – rather than him. Works great. :)
Hi Basically my father is a conversational narcissist and it is so draining and aweful, hes put me off men. I’m straight but I’ve decided I dont want a man in my life because of him.
My mum is dying in hospital she fell and broke her hip she is quite elderly and all he talks about is himself, he actually never shuts up all he does is pace around following me and talks and talk the same old rubbish.
I’ve come to blows many times with him. My kids and I are living with my parents while I renovate a house that was theres that they encouraged me and my kids to move into. They never in 20 years maintained it and when I walked in it was a dump. I was disgusted by my parents and disappointed. By that time I had moved my two childrens school to that area and uprooted myself to move to this house that would be the safe haven myself and my kids where looking forward to after a very turbulent time living in my previous place. My father thinks it’s all about him, no one else in this world is worthy of sympathy. I had breast cancer I hardly ever talk about it yet hes more worse off as he has mild back pain. Hes a very selfish man and sometimes I wish he would go away.
Is there something called a conversational filibusterer? An acquaintance of mine fits the profile of the conversational narcissist to a tee but has another nerve-wracking habit on top of it. She simply will not stop talking — not even a pause between sentences. If she runs out of new content, she will simply keep repeating what she already said over and over. Anything to hold onto the floor. If I want to say anything at all, I’m forced to interrupt her. But then she continues talking over me as if I’m not even speaking. Am I mean to not want anything to do with her anymore?
Do you have any actual educational or professional credentials as a mental health expert? I ask because none of the suggestions you offer are helpful in any long-term or meaningful way.
I agree, but to be fair the umbrella label “narcissism” is so broad that most people who have no language to define their adversity can comment more freely using it. But it is also used by people to fill blogs with dubious maladies like conversational narcissisist”. At any rate, I ran into this same thing yesterday. I refuse to mention narcissism. I will describe it instead. At the risk of being long winded, here is the story.
We have control over domineering conversationalists because they need us more than we need them. We can simply say, “Gotta go now.” And I did.
Yesterday I talked to a person on the phone for over an hour and a half. He had a home appliance repair business. He seemed nice and drew me into his life story. I had time, so I listened. Then it became uncomfortable because he went on talking over my words. I was curious how long he would dominate the conversation and keep telling infantisimal, agonizingly irrelevant details about his life. He was overbearing and he enjoyed dragging out useless information on a microscopic level.
This person was early retired due to a car accident. He was well educated and smart and probably bored. Being a people watcher, I studied him. There was no stopping him talking except to directly state I wanted to add my own thought. And I squeezed in four sentences.
Finally, after he started talking about his mom’s medications, I shut it down. I had to run errands, but it had been a nice chat. I was confident and pleasant. The contempt in his voice with, “Oh, really” was surprising. Weird, even. I think this was a game he did not like losing. Forcing somebody to put him first. Which fit with his own description of being a spoiled child. I refused to let him drag every last drop of oxygen from the universe at my expense. He was selfish. And he knew I knew. He would have talked until he was out of gas. Hours. But I put my needs first, and he did not like it. I am not taking my appliance to him for repair.
Hope you find that interesting.
It is really nice to see my thoughts writen down by some other person having the same insights that lingered in my mind.
The part with the active and passive styles is really great and makes a lot of sense with the examples :D
Now I will actively be looking for those traits in people. Thank you for opening my eyes a bit wider.
May you have it all.
She took this info from Charles Derber (an academic who did research on this) without crediting him.
What is it about people like this? The few times I confided in M I felt like I was losing blood, you open your heart out and get all vulnerable but because they don’t listen and don’t care you feel worse. And the preaching! Oh M would go on and on about the Bible and self help saying you should meditate accept things letbgo choose better men.. while her life is so miserable she can’t even thank her husband for going to work every day, just to support her. Charity begins at home: hold firm your boundaries