We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
You pick up the phone. It’s Jill. Again.
“Hi sweetie, just thought I’d give you a call! How are you?”
“Good thanks Jill. And you?”
“Oh, terrific! I wanted to tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah …”
We’ve all had those people in our lives who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseam. Once given the opportunity to talk about themselves, they’ll snap it up in an instant showing little regard or interest in what you have to say. Ever. And if they do, you know it’s a fake mask of politeness.
These people are the conversational narcissists in your life who hog every conversation you have, leaving your head spinning. Basically, talking to a conversational narcissist is like putting your head in a blender.
So, do you have a conversational narcissist in your life? There’s only one way to find out …
How To Spot The Conversational Narcissist
Not all narcissists are obnoxious or dislikeable people – in fact, many of them can be charming and appealing – and others are deeply wounded people … the only problem is that you hate talking to them. Why? Perhaps because you can pick up on the following character traits:
1. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2. They’re usually absorbed in fantasies of power, success, beauty and/or brilliance.
3. They have unreasonable expectations of other people, i.e. that everyone else should unquestioningly comply with them.
4. They overrate the importance of their achievements.
5. They crave constant validation, admiration and respect from the world.
Keeping these symptoms in mind, it’s no wonder that the conversational narcissist loves drilling you with every detail of their lives ad infinitum.
Which Kind Of Conversational Narcissist Do You Know?
There are two types of CN’s. These are the:
Active Conversational Narcissists & Passive Conversational Narcissists.
So let’s explore the first.
Active Conversational Narcissism
This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention onto themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few “supportive responses” so as not to appear rude, but end up using more “shifting responses”.
Please note that it’s normal and healthy to share stuff about yourself, as long as you direct the conversation back to the other person. At least, this is what the common law of conversational etiquette says.
Example 1 – Supportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? What breed are you wanting to get?”
Example 2 – Unsupportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? I was thinking about buying a puppy for my daughter as well!”
Person A – “Oh, yeah?”
Person B – “Uh-huh, I thought that a golden retriever would be … blah blah blah”.
Passive Conversational Narcissism
This subtle form of conversational narcissism occurs when you share something, and the conversational narcissist withholds their supporting responses until the conversation fizzle’s out.
Supporting responses are for instance: acknowledgments that indicate you’re listening, e.g “uh-huh”, “OK”, “Hmm”. They’re also statements that demonstrate active listening such as “that’s awesome!”, “why did you do that?”, “what are you planning to do now?”
Passive conversational narcissists withhold these statements, showing disinterest so that the conversation ends up dying – and is directed back to them. Score!
Example:
Person A – “I’m going to the casino tonight!”
Person B – ” (Pause) … oh, right … (pause)”
Person A – “I’m really excited because I won $200 last week!”
Person B – ” (Silence) …”
Person A – “Have you been there recently?”
Person B – “Oh yeah, I went a few weeks ago with my friends, it’s really interesting because we … blah blah blah”.
How To Interact With A Conversational Narcissist
Talking to a conversational narcissist can be draining and tedious – especially if you see there’s nothing in it for you. How about changing the way you look at things? Don’t worry, I don’t like the thought of changing something in myself either, especially when it’s the narcissist who should change!
The fact is: you can’t change anyone, so give up trying now. The only thing you can change is your outlook and perception. For instance, you could see talking to a conversational narcissist as a form of interpersonal training. You could also see it as a way to forge many great qualities such as patience, self-control (forbearance) and focus that all come with listening to a self-absorbed, insensitive and egotistical person.
According to the research I’ve done, the best way to interact smoothly with a narcissist is as following:
1. Don’t demand much. Don’t expect much.
2. Accept that you have to listen. A lot.
3. Don’t worry about boosting the narcissist’s ego with your acknowledgments (it’s not possible anyway).
4. For swift conversation, resist the temptation of challenging the narcissist’s thoughts and desires.
5. Smile and keep quiet a lot.
I don’t necessarily agree with this way of approaching narcissists all the time – but if you’re not in the mood to stir the pot, these five rules will help you ease the tension that comes with talking to them.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting to end a conversation with them quickly, I’ve found the following techniques work wonders:
- Talk about something really boring, and keep repeating what you’ve just said in different ways. You’ll look a bit manic, but oh well.
- Stop giving supportive statements and use reverse psychology instead, i.e. become either an active or passive conversational narcissist yourself.
- Set a time limit. After half an hour or an hour leave the conversation, no matter what.
I’d love to hear any stories you have about conversational narcissism. So feel free to share below!
Where do I start? I have a toxic relative who loves to hear the sound of her own voice. I am a problem solver and advice giver and an amateur counsellor but nothing I do or say has any effect on the way I speak to her. She does not come up for air, the family and I joke that she’s gone on one with one of her monologues! It is very wearing and deflating to listen and god forbid if you interrupt her flow, you are either talked over or if you say I have a sore finger she will say oh I have a broken finger, then goes on to tell you her latest other illnesses! no empathy or further questioning as to how you are or if she can help. There is absolutely no conversational etiquette whatsoever and I lose my temper more often than not now when I’m in her company. When I do lose my temper she looks confused /bewildered for a split second as if to say how dare you interrupt, but jumps back straight into the flow which is quite bizarre and fascinating to observe.
Omg! You hit it right on the nail. I have a friend like this. It’s very exhausting! I’m in a three hour art class with her. At first I thought it was me. I would try to bring up fun topics to talk about and she would automatically turn the conversation to her or not respond (because it wasn’t her starting the convo). For three hours it’s “I did this”, and “I was responsible for this”. AAARGH! I just have to use this as a listen and keep my mouth shut exercise to get through the class. Loved the article. I feel validated with how I was feeling and now I have a name for it!
True story. . . .Was “friends” with a very aggressive CN a few years back. I came to dread our telephone conversations. Although they weren’t conversations at all but rather monologues. The only thing that was required of me was to listen. Period. One evening after a particularly draining day at work I found myself at home not resting but listening (of course) to my “friend” telling me a detailed account of her crappy day. After about 30 minutes of listening to her non-stop talking I decided to just put the phone down and walk away for a while. If she did happen to notice that I was no longer on the other end…. I decided to just say (whenever we next spoke) that my phone had gone dead. 20 minutes go by, I pick up the phone and she is speaking totally unaware that I was no longer listening. . . 40 minutes later I check again and she is STILL speaking (to no one). #0 more minutes and I was done. I Left the phone off the hook and went to bed. How long it took her to realize that no one was on the other end (if she ever realized) I will never know. The next morning I blocked her number and never “Spoke” to her again. It was a draining relationship on me and I should have done it sooner.
My mother only talks about herself and hardly ever asks about me and if she does it’s after she has nothing else to say.
My mother is an aggressive conversational narcissist. Unfortunately, both my brother and I adopted some of the latter tactics and became conversational narcissists ourselves. Somewhere along the line this became my default mode of communication and I hate this part of my personality more than anything. My husband and I used to fight about this a lot but after spending time with my family he’s become more understanding and helped me realize that I’ve been fighting an invisible battle to be taken seriously my whole life. I become hyper-sensitive when I feel that i’m not being listened to and will either stop talking altogether (and later cry out of frustration) or completely explode and storm out. I know my mother will never change and that the only thing I can do is learn how to deal with her, but what about those of us trying to overcome these tendencies within ourselves – any advice?
I am in a relationship with a conversational narcissist.
I am perpetually impatient and I need my space for time to decompress.
The part that I can’t stand is when i’m looking for the short and sweet conversation, which never happens. Or when a stupid comment I made about something innocuous blooms into a full blown confrontation or something where I have to sit and stare straight ahead because anything will perpetuate another 15 mins of lecturing. And it is lecturing, conversations go back and forth, this is merely, him telling me all the shit that he knows is right. And that bores me to death. His intellect seems to be more important than I am, but yet, he will call himself stupid if I don’t agree with him or am not interested or get short tempered cause he won’t shut the fuck up and watch tv.
I’m beginning to ask myself why i’m in a relationship with a person who constantly lectures me and tells me I’m wrong. I give my opinion, he shoots it down.
What do you say to a person who ALWAYS has to be right and will ARGUE/LECTURE/TALK you to death until you agree?? Literally I have to say, yes, you’re right.
Break up with him. I usually hate that advice on the internet, it’s given out very quickly but that sounds like on the more severe side of narcissism. I have known people like that. At the end of the day if you stick with him you’ll be stuck in a cycle, and resentful. Break free. Forgive him, forgive yourself, and move on. The break-up may help him learn to be a better person over a long period of hopefully enlightening events, but you can’t make him one. You only have control over your actions, make the best use of them. Learn from this experience, why did you get in a relationship with this guy? Then be brave, and meet someone else this time try to avoid the mistakes that led to this one. But do NOT try to change people. Only time, and experience does that successfully. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
I never register on discussion sites to post a comment but in your case I’m making an exception. The person who bluntly told you straight up to “break up with him” was 100% on the mark with that advice. I am married to your boyfriend. It won’t change, it won’t get better. He will *never* notice, appreciate, or reciprocate the mental/emotional sacrifices you make to keep the peace/harmony. You’ll regret not leaving him, I promise. Find someone who isn’t a narcissist. However, if for whatever reason you decide not to leave, I will tell you what to expect. Be prepared for a life filled with disappointment and frustration that eventually leads to rage and bitterness. He’ll never change. He’ll never learn. No matter HOW much his obnoxiously wrong narcissistic/disrespectful/selfish behavior makes you nuts/angry/insane, he won’t alter it, not even a little. YOU have to be the one that changes. You just have to get to the other side where you don’t care anymore. Find a retreat and make it off limits to him. It will be your safe, peaceful, heavenly place. And you will probably want to live there eventually, so make sure it has a door with a lock. I have my own bedroom now and he’s not allowed to tell me what to do in my space, or lecture me, or be negative. As soon as he does I kick him out. It’s a weird life. I’m jealous of everyone I know with husbands who aren’t narcissists. Mostly though, I’m just exhausted from all the years of living with this man and I’m honestly grateful to no longer care and to just have my little heavenly hideaway until the kids are old enough that I can consider other options. I saw your post and thought if my experience can help save you from this experience, it’s definitely worth my time. Good luck!
I have been noticing more and more people exibiting what I call the “Princess Syndrome”. It’s all about them and thier little kingdom. I saw a girl on a plane boring another girl 2 seats over to tears and droning on and on about her fathers work and her role in the organization and what they were doing and the other girl went from polite interest to barely disquised fatigue over the course of the 2 hour flight. My wifes friend has to “update” us on every aspect of her children’s and grandchildrens lives. Totally unsolicited. The kicker is when I try to talk to her, she gets figity and distracted and sometimes just talks right over me like I was never there. Bizarre. My wife loves her. My wife is a very quiet listener too.
Actually, I am experiencing something similar and I am a quiet supportive listener. When I have something to say this individual gets distracted yet I have to know all the details of her life and be amazed for her. It is getting old.
Most recently she came to pick up something from my home and trying to be a welcoming individual I prepared a nice big dinner while taking care of lil ones. She crossed my boundary by saying some salesman told her that some countertops that looked like mine are bad quality and that you can’t wipe off a marker off of it. She said that my countertops are cheap and she only has quarts in her bathrooms and not the kitchen. She went on to say her granite was expensive. (Yes she flat out said it there was not room for interpretation)
Mine was quarts and much more up to date if we are to get down to it…which I don’t like to compare but it is a nice countertop and clearly she was insecure about hers. Anyway, she was counting on me being silent. Instead I took a marker and wrote on my counter top, “ that salesman tricked you because granite does not sell” then I wiped it off. Oops…what was she counting on?
Cyber-bullying is a severe problem that is occurring among children, teens, and young adults with the advent of internet use in everyday life.
I find it terribly disappointing when friends, people you meet, always talk about themselves and really have little interest in the other person. they basically care abut themselves and what they’re doing, No attem,pt to try to understand the other person,their families, concerns, etc. Its all about them and how they can use you,
I think my sister is a narcissistic person. She constantly want to belittle me and compete. When are around my mother she doesn’t want me around , she speaks loud and tries to block any conversation between my mother and I. She lies and speaks very negative. She demands attention only her conversations begin with Her saying I or me or my. She withholds important information I should know and wants to be first or before me in everything it doesn’t matter what it is. Very controlling. She can go on and on about talking about her self , if I’m speaking to someone she want to interrupt and shift the conversation towards her, it’s embarrassing sometimes because I wonder if the opposite person sees this behavior so I’ll stop engaging in the conversation.
My children don’t like her around because they say she tries to make me look bad or less then her. She constantly talks always no one can get in to speak she either says something negative or doesn’t acknowledge you’ve said anything . She’s rude controlling and keeps chaos .. I can’t connect with her , I don’t share personal things as sisters do. This has been all my life it seems as though this behavior is only with me. My husband can’t stand her and my mother hates to see her coming .
I only have one sister it’s seems we’ll never have a relationship.
Oh not to mention my brother hasn’t had a relationship with her for about 14 years now.
Unfortunately I’ve known a lot of them and right now am surrounded by them at work and it’s really getting to me. I try to avoid talking to them as much as I can because it’s draining and a waste of my time and energy. I’ve even gotten to the point where I don’t even have that many friends anymore because I began to notice most of the people I used to hang out with were narcissists too and I just don’t want much to do with them. I still talk to some of them occasionally on Facebook, but I have no desire to spend my free time with any of them. In fact I have a hard time finding people that I do want to spend time with. It seems like I have better conversations with strangers that are just passing through than I do with people in my everyday life. It makes me very sad sometimes.
I have a lot of those type of conversationalists mentioned above in my life.I don’t know why ,but I am working on it.I uually leave after an hour if possible.But ,just lately I find myself openly challenging them because I can’t seem to cope with their way of conversing anymore.I’m working through the empath book and I think this had something to do with my new attitude.I was getting exhausted after being with some people especially before classes.This could of course end most of my friendships.But I think it says something about me as well -mainly atrtracting these types of people;just don’t know what.Yet!
these type of individuals feel the need to bestow every detail of their life and want you to be amazed. When you have something to say they become distracted or unsupportive.
I speak and they consistently get distracted and don’t offer supportive comments that make you feel heard. Yet if you ask about them they go bla bla bla for hours. Never asking about you. So this one particular person who does all the time and expects supportive comments and compliments is no longer getting this. I turned on the poker face and now they can second guess if I heard them or not. It makes them super uncomfortable lol
Once she was saying she has a bigger oven than I do and I gave her the flat look …she kept repeating my oven is wider. Lol still flat face with maybe an “oh” .
Don’t be afraid to come across rude. They do this all the time.
Also boundaries and obviously do not talk to people like this everyday. These tips are for the occasions where you do have to have that dinner with them.
I’m not really sure what to make of this, I mean we all have some tendencies about ourselves. Though I can relate to this topic; having become friendly with a person with these characteristics, and boy can he talk. At first, like some people have stated, you find the person to be just a little bit interesting, and then somewhat talkative and then it be comes just right out boring. You don’t want to miss something that maybe of some interest to you, or have to really relay an answer to…so you keep listening. It’s hard for me to type this without laughing a little, because you have to question yourself, is this you? It’s easy to say it’s not, but are you truly being honest with yourself? I so glad to find helpful ways to adjust to a person like this. It gives me a plan moving forward. Especially that I can just bail out at anytime, knowing that this is as good as it gets.