“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus
You pick up the phone. It’s Jill. Again.
“Hi sweetie, just thought I’d give you a call! How are you?”
“Good thanks Jill. And you?”
“Oh, terrific! I wanted to tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah …”
We’ve all had those people in our lives who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseam. Once given the opportunity to talk about themselves, they’ll snap it up in an instant showing little regard or interest in what you have to say. Ever. And if they do, you know it’s a fake mask of politeness.
These people are the conversational narcissists in your life who hog every conversation you have, leaving your head spinning. Basically, talking to a conversational narcissist is like putting your head in a blender.
So, do you have a conversational narcissist in your life? There’s only one way to find out …
How To Spot The Conversational Narcissist
Not all narcissists are obnoxious or dislikeable people – in fact, many of them can be charming and appealing – and others are deeply wounded people … the only problem is that you hate talking to them. Why? Perhaps because you can pick up on the following character traits:
1. They have an exaggerated sense of self importance.
2. They’re usually absorbed in fantasies of power, success, beauty and/or brilliance.
3. They have unreasonable expectations of other people, i.e. that everyone else should unquestioningly comply with them.
4. They overrate the importance of their achievements.
5. They crave constant validation, admiration and respect from the world.
Keeping these symptoms in mind, it’s no wonder that the conversational narcissist loves drilling you with every detail of their lives ad infinitum.
Which Kind Of Conversational Narcissist Do You Know?
There are two types of CN’s. These are the:
Active Conversational Narcissist’s & Passive Conversational Narcissist’s.
So let’s explore the first.
Active Conversational Narcissism
This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention onto themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few “supportive responses” so as not to appear rude, but end up using more “shifting responses”.
Please note that it’s normal and healthy to share stuff about yourself, as long as you direct the conversation back to the other person. At least, this is what the common law of conversational etiquette says.
Example 1 – Supportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? What breed are you wanting to get?”
Example 2 – Unsupportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? I was thinking about buying a puppy for my daughter as well!”
Person A – “Oh, yeah?”
Person B – “Uh-huh, I thought that a golden retriever would be … blah blah blah”.
Passive Conversational Narcissism
This subtle form of conversational narcissism occurs when you share something, and the conversational narcissist withholds their supporting responses until the conversation fizzle’s out.
Supporting responses are for instance: acknowledgements that indicate you’re listening, e.g “uh-huh”, “OK”, “Hmm”. They’re also statements that demonstrate active listening such as “that’s awesome!”, “why did you do that?”, “what are you planning to do now?”
Passive conversational narcissists withhold these statements, showing disinterest so that the conversation ends up dying – and is directed back to them. Score!
Example:
Person A – “I’m going to the casino tonight!”
Person B – ” (Pause) … oh, right … (pause)”
Person A – “I’m really excited because I won $200 last week!”
Person B – ” (Silence) …”
Person A – “Have you been there recently?”
Person B – “Oh yeah, I went a few weeks ago with my friends, it’s really interesting because we … blah blah blah”.
How To Interact With A Conversational Narcissist
Talking to a conversational narcissist can be draining and tedious – especially if you see there’s nothing in it for you. How about changing the way you look at things? Don’t worry, I don’t like the thought of changing something in myself either, especially when it’s the narcissist who should change!
The fact is: you can’t change anyone, so give up trying now. The only thing you can change is your outlook and perception. For instance, you could see talking to a conversational narcissist as a form of interpersonal training. You could also see it as a way to forge many great qualities such as patience, self-control (forbearance) and focus that all come with listening to a self-absorbed, insensitive and egotistical person.
According to the research I’ve done, the best way to interact smoothly with a narcissist is as following:
1. Don’t demand much. Don’t expect much.
2. Accept that you have to listen. A lot.
3. Don’t worry about boosting the narcissists ego with your acknowledgements (it’s not possible anyway).
4. For swift conversation, resist the temptation of challenging the narcissist’s thoughts and desires.
5. Smile and keep quiet a lot.
I don’t necessarily agree with this way of approaching narcissists all the time – but if you’re not in the mood to stir the pot, these five rules will help you ease the tension that comes with talking to them.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting to end a conversation with them quickly, I’ve found the following techniques work wonders:
- Talk about something really boring, and keep repeating what you’ve just said in different ways. You’ll look a bit manic, but oh well.
- Stop giving supportive statements and use reverse psychology instead, i.e. become either an active or passive conversational narcissist yourself.
- Set a time limit. After half an hour or an hour leave the conversation, no matter what.
I’d love to hear any stories you have about conversational narcissism. So feel free to share below!
My Mum constantly talks about herself and what she’s been doing in every conversation we have. She will call me up and literally empty her thoughts about everything she’s done that day, this could be for about 15 minutes before she even asks how i am…this really is not an exaggeration… an example of this..Phone rings..
ME: Hi Mum
MUM: Hello, How are you?
ME: I’m good thanks, been busy this week getting the babies room ready..
Mum: Sounds like your busy there then?
ME: Yes very busy but it’s really nice to finally start buying stuff..How are you?
Mum: Well i’ve been using my steamer on the house all week..i recently got it fixed so it’s great to have it up and running again..and it makes the house feel so clean..my friend wanted to borrow it the other day..so i dropped it round there..and showed her what to do…then i went home and made a sponge cake..put jam in the middle of it..took it to the church meeting…everyone loved it there was nothing left..people where stuffing their faces…then i got back and met sheila for a coffee..then i did 40 lengths at the pool…then i popped to morrisons to pick up some of that rice i like..and now just going to water the garden..the tomatoes are getting really big and juicy..i was thinking of growing some peas next year…etc…
ME: That sounds nice..
MUM: Well the tomatoes are so big..i’m going to make a nice soup etc
MUM: So I bought a blanket for the baby the other day…it’s like a christening blanket..it’s lovely and soft..it will be lovely and soft for him..
ME: Oh thank you Mum thats vey nice of you..
(now if Mum doesn’t get the amount of praise she needs then this happens)
MUM: Yes it’s that lovely soft material..it will be lovely for him
ME: i’m sure it will..it sounds very comfy
MUM: Oh it is..i had my friend alice with me and she said how nice it was..
ME: I’ve been buying lots of bits for him too..i bought a sweet little cardigan the other day..and a couple of playsuits,
MUM: Awww sweet..but this blanket has a beautiful finish on it..and the colour blue is just really great..
ME: I look forward to seeing it..
MUM: It would be great for his buggy or you could use it as a cot blanket..
ME: at this point i change the subject…and Mum will sulk if i haven’t given her enough praise or thanks..
She also does this at meal times when she’s cooked..and it’s constant..people notice.
An example of this:
So Mum’s made a meat pie..
Mum: There we are..
Me: Oh thanks Mum..this looks lovely
Mum: well i got the meat from that local butcher up the town again..
Me: It’s really yummy..thank you..
Mum: well i slow cooked the meat all day..and then used that really thin pastry..then i added some peas..a bit of gravy…and it’s done..simple as that..
Me:lovely
Mum: well you can never go wrong with a meat pie…everyone loves a meat pie..
Me: so..i’ve popping over to see sue today
Mum: Oh ok
Me: Yes looking forward to seeing her..it’s been a long time..
Mum: Yes i’m sure she’d love to see you..(she’s not listening)
Mum: how are you getting on with the pie Dave?(my partner)
Dave: Oh yes it’s lovely
Mum: yes i knew you’d like it..do you want some more?
Dave: Yes please
Mum: There you go Dave..get that down you..
Mum: It’s good meat that..really tender isn’t it? and the pastry was just now of those filo types..so easy to do…so quick and easy..
Anyway guys this can go on and on…
It’s always been like this..it has nothing to do with her age..it gets sooo incredibly tiring and consuming..and the sulking is so childish..
i’m expecting a baby..and she wants to be around to help..she says stuff like she’s going to stay with us for 3 months…but something tells me it will be like having two children to look after..
Ay advice or comments would be appreciated :)
Make an excuse not to have her come and “help” you with the baby, Anne. Your instinct sounds to me right. This isn’t about the baby; it’s about her (and obviously this is a great opportunity to look as though she’s a wonderful supportive new grandmother and place herself in centre frame with her friends whilst actually sucking the life out of you). I am sure that she will in her own way genuinely love this baby, but having a new baby is quite exhausting enough without having to look after an adult who is behaving like one (and simultaneously pretending that she is selflessly supporting you). Just say no. Perhaps you could pretend that Dave “really wants to spend time bonding as a family”, or whatever other rubbish might work.
I just moved to a new town a couple years ago and I only have 1 friend, which is ok with me but all he ever wants to talk about is him and what is going on in his life. How much money he is making, what he has been doing, his problems…..blah blah blah. Ignores or interrupts anything you have to contribute to the conversation. The thing that really erks me though is if you disagree with his opinion or outlook he takes it as an insult and acts like your dumb and acts like he is always right and there is no possibility of him being wrong. I’ve know him for close to 2 years. I always go to his house. He has never been to mine. Wierd.. Like it’s not worth his time to make the drive to visit me. Cool guy, we have a lot in common that’s about it.
These comments were great! Explained my husband to a “tee.” My daughter & I call him,”Gaston” when he glorifies himself. He & our 16 yr old daughter are very close. She probably will not move out with me if I leave him, so I stay.
I am currently talking to someone who actually falls on the passive CONVERSATIONAL NARCISSIST category!! I mean what all i talk doesn’t make sense to him and he only speaks and he asks me to think before i casually say anything as it might hurt him!! He just think too much and i dono how even to talk and he sees my point from completely strange point of view. i like him he is very attractive thats the only reason i meetup but he always find a way to make me feel sad about myself, he saying am assuming things, iam selfish,i want everything my way n bla bla.. but if he has so much i don’t understand why he stills meets me however it is i who mostly ask him to come(We work in same place so i call him for tea) i dont know how to handle him… please let me know if this is right thing to continue with him or i just have to move on
It seems a little harsh to identify this trait with narcissism only. Many people with autism and processing disorders also have trouble sharing the conversation ideally. So can those with social anxiety, ADD, and many others who are not neurotypical. This can also describe socially awkward people. When you engage with someone you can’t assume they share your perspective. A conversation hog might be someone who is interested in your company, who genuinely values you, but has a hard time communicating in the manner you expect. Narcissists will do more than just steal a discussion. They will attempt to manipulate you from within it. Watch for that, and don’t automatically label someone unkindly. They might be genuinly trying to communicate with you in the only way they know how to. Have patience.
No one said this trait was exclusively narcissists. It s an article about narcissism
I know someone like this as well. It started out as a great friendship where it was equal conversations on both sides. Then it started to change. It changed to where it was all about her and if I tried to bring anything up about myself or my interests the subject was switched back to her or she would even put me down by saying “I would NEVER do that.” Needless to say our friendship has strained through this process. It is very hard to work with her and it’s to the point where I have slowly backed off and try to limit my time with her. I know that she has a hard family life so I try to understand, but it’s hard. It’s not a two way street with her, it’s a very demeaning relationship and I find myself not talking about myself by choice. (…..Sigh)
Excellent description ! The big problem is that there are so many of them… It’s not like there’s only one or two around so you can just ignore them and go hang out with caring and supportive people. So you just have to find ways to cope, you can’t avoid them all. I think it’s very hard to decide when you should do them a favour and sit with them for a while (especially when they’re family members), practicing patience self control (good one ! ) and when to leave them alone since there’s absolutely no hope you’ll have a two way conversation. Balancing the guilt of not caring about them and not spending enough time with them and protecting yourself from becoming an easy target for a narcissist to brag or vent can be very hard. The time limit idea is an excellent one ! Yes, setting a time limit when you realise what’s going on, and then excusing yourself and leaving…that’s a very good idea !
Ah the N word. My least favorite overused by the internet word. You know in order to have a Narcissism diagnosis many behaviors and patterns have to align.
We all have “narcissist” behaviors at one point or another. But they are just that, isolated qualities mixed with others that do not provide enough for a N diagnosis.
I know a lot of people who talk, a lot. Yet they are are not narcissists. I feel that using this word has come a trend over the last few years. Like bipolar and retarded used to be decades ago. Let us not misinform and enable the public to identify with a single pattern and label the people around them Narcissists.
This is a very destructive path.
I agree. We can just use the word selfish, or “a selfish behaviour” and skip the labels.
Truth. Narcissists are suffering from a disorder, which shouldn’t be diagnosed by a non-professional. Like most DSM disorders it carries a stigma, and seems to be the current punching bag online for people to describe exs, family members, and others who don’t meet their personal expectations. Untreated DSM disorders can damage the lives of others, but they damage themselves most. Trying to push social expectations onto them doesn’t make anyone happy or well. If you really suspect someone in your life has a disorder, the only thing you can do is request treatment. Get counseling for yourself too. If they resist seeing a professional, then get away, or talk to trusted adults if you are underage and dealing with a parent’s illness. The first thing though is to realize the behavior you don’t like is illness, not meanness. Yep, stole the show with length. Sorry about that, but I do highly value the original comment.
I actually learned the best way to get a conversational narcissist to stop is to give them a dose of their own medicine.
The main one that has always been a conversational narcissist was my mom, all of my life she was notorious for talking over people and interrupting. She hates when she’s interrupted, much like the chick that I ended an acquaintainceship with.
It drives them crazy to be interrupted or to deal with what they do to others. I’ve seen it play out firsthand how crazy it makes them – kind of like watching a rabid feral cat chew their own claw off.
I tested this out recently on my mom and the other old woman that would do it and it sent them both into fits of rage, which had me laughing on the inside as they both got a dose of what it felt like to have to endure the constant, never ending conversation or excusing their rudeness.
You can never miss what you have not had, so in both instances I do not apologize or miss what I don’t have, because positive communication is priceless and when you just don’t have it, you can’t excuse bad communication.
After quite some time, I found this article and I’m very glad I did: not only this one has great quality but also it helps people recognise narcissists and teaches how to deal with them. I too have a narcissist for a friend (from work), although now I’m realising this so-called “friendship” must come to an end rather soon because… life’s too short. I deeply thank you for this post. It has helped me a lot! Best regards :)
Im so glad I found this article. About two years ago I started a new job and met a friend we clicked instantly and I love her spirit. However she will totally monopolize our conversations and bring it right back to herself. It got so bad that I had to start taking the long way to my desk to avoid her. She speaks about herself in this guru-like way and it annoys me but I just nod my head. She over talks alot and is very loud in the department but I feel like she livens the place up. I can never ever get a word in and I hate interrupting people. Its just that now its starting to get on my nerves. We have been out a few times and once I got approached my a man who seemed nice. You could tell he wanted some alone time with me to get my number but she just would not let go of my arm smh. By the end of the night me and this guy kept giving each other looks she would just nudge me in the arm like she wanted all the attention. I think she is just insecure about herself and needs to be the center of attention all the time. I faked a phone call and ended up getting the guys number when he walked out the bar to follow me. First thing he said was “whats up with your girlfriend is she coked up?” smh. That was about two months ago and since then I cant look at her the same. I think I may have to let this friendship go.
I have a friend who is like this. You can’t get a word in. Actually it’s kind of frightening to witness in person.
Its like your not allowed to speak. She started talking at a very young age and never stopped so her parents said, and now I think it may be mild autism, mania? And her constant upbeat! rah-rah! attitude with me in e-mails seems fake and patronizing. It gets worse with her age (older boomer).
Thinking of dumping her. Something is wrong with her.
Befriended with these kind of people was really exhausting. I was a really quite person. That’s why I had to deal with people who loves talking about themself. They liked to get close to me, talked about their problem, and acted like they are the unluckiest person in the world. Friends like this come and go. They stayed and acted like parasite only if they needed me. Once, my friend wanted me to accompany her home, but I couldn’t at that time. She got angry and didn’t want to see me again. How unfair. She ignored me all the time. If I got troubled and talked to her, she only replied shortly and begun to tell her long stories again.
As I grow up I have the courage to say no, and to stay away from them. I want to be heard too. Sometimes I think maybe I am too selfish. I feel guilty everytime I talk too much to my other friend, I feel like maybe I became one of narcissist person