We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
You pick up the phone. It’s Jill. Again.
“Hi sweetie, just thought I’d give you a call! How are you?”
“Good thanks Jill. And you?”
“Oh, terrific! I wanted to tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah …”
We’ve all had those people in our lives who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseam. Once given the opportunity to talk about themselves, they’ll snap it up in an instant showing little regard or interest in what you have to say. Ever. And if they do, you know it’s a fake mask of politeness.
These people are the conversational narcissists in your life who hog every conversation you have, leaving your head spinning. Basically, talking to a conversational narcissist is like putting your head in a blender.
So, do you have a conversational narcissist in your life? There’s only one way to find out …
How To Spot The Conversational Narcissist
Not all narcissists are obnoxious or dislikeable people – in fact, many of them can be charming and appealing – and others are deeply wounded people … the only problem is that you hate talking to them. Why? Perhaps because you can pick up on the following character traits:
1. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2. They’re usually absorbed in fantasies of power, success, beauty and/or brilliance.
3. They have unreasonable expectations of other people, i.e. that everyone else should unquestioningly comply with them.
4. They overrate the importance of their achievements.
5. They crave constant validation, admiration and respect from the world.
Keeping these symptoms in mind, it’s no wonder that the conversational narcissist loves drilling you with every detail of their lives ad infinitum.
Which Kind Of Conversational Narcissist Do You Know?
There are two types of CN’s. These are the:
Active Conversational Narcissists & Passive Conversational Narcissists.
So let’s explore the first.
Active Conversational Narcissism
This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention onto themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few “supportive responses” so as not to appear rude, but end up using more “shifting responses”.
Please note that it’s normal and healthy to share stuff about yourself, as long as you direct the conversation back to the other person. At least, this is what the common law of conversational etiquette says.
Example 1 – Supportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? What breed are you wanting to get?”
Example 2 – Unsupportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? I was thinking about buying a puppy for my daughter as well!”
Person A – “Oh, yeah?”
Person B – “Uh-huh, I thought that a golden retriever would be … blah blah blah”.
Passive Conversational Narcissism
This subtle form of conversational narcissism occurs when you share something, and the conversational narcissist withholds their supporting responses until the conversation fizzle’s out.
Supporting responses are for instance: acknowledgments that indicate you’re listening, e.g “uh-huh”, “OK”, “Hmm”. They’re also statements that demonstrate active listening such as “that’s awesome!”, “why did you do that?”, “what are you planning to do now?”
Passive conversational narcissists withhold these statements, showing disinterest so that the conversation ends up dying – and is directed back to them. Score!
Example:
Person A – “I’m going to the casino tonight!”
Person B – ” (Pause) … oh, right … (pause)”
Person A – “I’m really excited because I won $200 last week!”
Person B – ” (Silence) …”
Person A – “Have you been there recently?”
Person B – “Oh yeah, I went a few weeks ago with my friends, it’s really interesting because we … blah blah blah”.
How To Interact With A Conversational Narcissist
Talking to a conversational narcissist can be draining and tedious – especially if you see there’s nothing in it for you. How about changing the way you look at things? Don’t worry, I don’t like the thought of changing something in myself either, especially when it’s the narcissist who should change!
The fact is: you can’t change anyone, so give up trying now. The only thing you can change is your outlook and perception. For instance, you could see talking to a conversational narcissist as a form of interpersonal training. You could also see it as a way to forge many great qualities such as patience, self-control (forbearance) and focus that all come with listening to a self-absorbed, insensitive and egotistical person.
According to the research I’ve done, the best way to interact smoothly with a narcissist is as following:
1. Don’t demand much. Don’t expect much.
2. Accept that you have to listen. A lot.
3. Don’t worry about boosting the narcissist’s ego with your acknowledgments (it’s not possible anyway).
4. For swift conversation, resist the temptation of challenging the narcissist’s thoughts and desires.
5. Smile and keep quiet a lot.
I don’t necessarily agree with this way of approaching narcissists all the time – but if you’re not in the mood to stir the pot, these five rules will help you ease the tension that comes with talking to them.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting to end a conversation with them quickly, I’ve found the following techniques work wonders:
- Talk about something really boring, and keep repeating what you’ve just said in different ways. You’ll look a bit manic, but oh well.
- Stop giving supportive statements and use reverse psychology instead, i.e. become either an active or passive conversational narcissist yourself.
- Set a time limit. After half an hour or an hour leave the conversation, no matter what.
I’d love to hear any stories you have about conversational narcissism. So feel free to share below!
Lynne Prestwood
May 13, 2019 at 12:43OMG! I finally found something that describes my sister to a T! I have to live with her and I am finding myself getting more and more angry and frustrated. She is 66 and I am 58. She will talk my ear off or turn every conversation towards her or as I say she makes it about her every time and when I try to talk most of the time she does not focus on what I am saying and it feels like she is ignoring me. I cannot say anything about what she is doing or she will blow up at me and call me names so I keep quiet most of the time until I snap and go off on her about something.
We also live with a brother who has ADHD and is 60 years old and it is getting worse. He does not pay attention to anything we say and we have to keep repeating ourselves. He is being treated for Bi-Polar Disorder but the medication is not making him focus.
I have a full plate! My 28-year-old son lives with us too and he has Schizophrenia but I have the least problem with him. He keeps to himself in his room and does not talk to anyone.
We all have been living with each other since 2011 and I am afraid that my sibling’s toxic behavior may have contributed to my son’s illness.
I am sorry I am sounding narcissistic right now but I am so fed up with my siblings and now because of my job we are moving out of state in about a week.
We are all we have, none of us can live on our own due to finances and my sister is disabled and needs us but we are all getting older so I don’t know what our future holds and I am rambling because I have no one to talk to about this.
Thanks for listening.
Necroghoul7
May 3, 2019 at 02:36Narcissism is an over-used and so distorted term as ADHD, so it`s filled with more clichees than reality. It sometimes seems to me that it`s the newest Fashion to lable all unpleasant behaviours as “narcisstic”.
Lack of empathy, communication problems, self-centeredness, seeking attention etc. CAN be parts of narcissism, but most of the times occur in people with a different diagnosis (e.g. ADHD, autism, other personality disorders) or just healthy people with temporarily mental issues/trouble or false strategies (e.g. attention-seeking by talking more).
I would advise to use the term narcissist less inflationary/excessively in general, otherwise it becomes just an empty insultion instead of a decent classification of specific personality problems that need help instead of clichees/prejudice.
Igor
May 2, 2019 at 20:21A guy I work with is constantly interrupting people when they are working and trying to focus. He literally walks right up to busy people and tells them about his kitchen remodeling project, his son’s band concert, his wife’s pay raise, his favorite sports team, what he cooked for dinner last night, what he did on his vacation, and on and on and on … EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can place your hand on the doorknob because you need to get somewhere, and he will not even notice and will instead start a whole new topic (usually about himself) — and you must wait for him to finish, which is usually 30 or 40 minutes later.
Storm
April 25, 2019 at 06:50My mother, who is 85 years old, is a conversational narcissist and it drives me nuts! I love her to death and she is a good woman but for many many years she feels the need to always get the conversation back to her. It doesnt matter what subject you are talking about, she doesnt *engage* in the conversation but immediately brings up something she herself has done. She even has *stories* or conversations that never happened just so it can be about how grateful someone is to her for something. All of us in the family knows she does it and we have gotten pretty good at moving the conversation along to give her less time to make it all about her. She will tell the same story to you over and over and over and the story wont even be true and we all know it but it is always about someones gratitude towards her .
Like I said, we are used to it and otherwise, she is a good person and well liked by people and it wont be apparent if you only see her every once in a while but after she is here for a few days it really starts to grate on me. Luckily, she is in good health and her mind is sharp so she doesnt have to live with me.
Megan
April 15, 2019 at 06:03I had a roommate for a few years that is a conversational narcissist. It took some time to notice, but when I did I couldn’t unhear it. Every single sentence that came out of her mouth was a shifting one if it wasn’t about her. I recall some pretty big milestones in my life that I would try to share with her (graduating college, getting my first career job, etc.) and I couldn’t get more in depth than the first sentence of mentioning it. Does she not realize that she does it and just thinks she is contributing to the conversation, or is she is doing it on purpose? Should I say something or will that do nothing?
Lamia
April 14, 2019 at 07:22I think I’ve been dealing with people like this, it’s not a in real life group but I’ve always felt drained and not heard except by a few of the people there that are definitely not on the “me, myself and I” dynamic or toxic in any way and I only trust
and value them there. They care about everyone and the relationship isn’t one sided, we can talk about anything without worrying about being cut off or not heard.
I once asked how was everyone doing and one of the possible conversational narcissists who’s often really aggressive and arrogant made sure to say about how they did this and that so good without even asking something like “what about you?” as I’ve been away for a few days, and that was when I realized that I shouldn’t even ask anything anymore. I mean, why even? There’s also others with a victim mentality that lashes out at people when they don’t hear what they want or only remember that I exist when their friends are away and need something or literally only talk about themselves, always cut off and ignore others that don’t join their narrative, this one besides being awfully rude, immature, short tempered and generally toxic, shares every single thing of their life that is really personal as if they believe everyone is THRILLED to know, and if you don’t say what they want……. brace yourself for the yelling and guilt-tripping, yikes. They don’t show interest about anyone unless if they can show off how “nice and supportive” they are and some give short, bored answers or random emojis when it’s not about themselves and also the impression of faking and overexaggerating their achievements, this feels really annoying.
For me a relationship has to be a 50/50, give and take, I’ll listen to you but you’ll also listen to me. Also I feel a lot better when I’m not there so I can say that I’m finally done with them!
Mud
April 13, 2019 at 10:20I called a family member. Didn’t ask how I was, how I feel or what I’ve been doing. They spent an hour talking about their PERFECT life then said they had to go, bye! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Meg
April 12, 2019 at 10:26I just met a new friend who I think is a conversational narcissist. We have only known each other about a month but all she talks about is herself, she seeks constant validation. She repeats stories all the time. I don’t know what to do it’s mentally draining and she is needy, she wants to talk every morning and it’s just the same chatter over and over
Purple Lantana
April 9, 2019 at 13:08I’m dealing with this and it’s driving me crazy. She is the wife of my husband’s friend and we meet up quite frequently. Sometimes she stays at my house or I have to stay over at her place as our husbands our out of town for some meeting, etc. It’s like listening to 2-3 days of
narcissistic conversation. She just talks about how caring and loving her husband is, or how health-conscious she is or how good she is at fashion, make-up or organising home. Everytime I speak up something about ourselves, she starts talking about herself and her husband on topic. So, I just try not to speak anything about ourselves… I just keep listening and smiling and sometimes I try to ignore a little. But I’m not that sort of person. It’s really very difficult for me to be with her. I know I can’t change her and I don’t want to. I can’t even avoid meeting her because her and my husband are close friends and I have to maintain the socialization.
Rob
April 5, 2019 at 05:58My wife is like this, she probably thinks I’m like this. I try to talk to her about this and she just tells me I turn everything into her fault. If I look upset and she asks why, within two sentences she’s talking about how my mood makes her depressed…. Whenever we leave an event and am trying to quietly process she just goes on and on about what the whole event meant to her. It’s exhausting for sure.
I don’t know how to address this.
Lousie
March 8, 2019 at 08:40I currently been in a relationship for three years fist 7 months OK, but now I find Ive lost my voice. I find that all that the person I am with is just constantly talk about himself and what he does and how others told him how good he was and how he is wanted in all he does and it’s just a constant daily thing with him to talk and talk and talk, about all what he is now getting involved. I feel like I’m just hear for him to hear how good his own voice is. And will just sit there and it’s like his had a life were everyone has attended to all his needs ( must be coffee time) Mind you can be sweet
Nala
May 8, 2019 at 12:41I am going through this also!! I think it’s actually ruined things now to the point of turning me off and I want to end the relationship due to feeling smothered. Are you heading the same way?
Ayanna
May 22, 2019 at 03:45Same here! Ugh. We need a support group! Lol.
Catherine Vanosedell
March 3, 2019 at 21:24This is definitely my fiance, yes thats what I said and I have grown tired of hearing him talk about himself in such grandiose ways. I read several of your articles, before I found the one that fit him to a T. He is so skilled at pulling you and making you feel sorry for him, obviously after 4 years ive found myself sitting there holding his hand, stonefaced not being able to share a cry with him or sometimes even care at all and it has stated to make me feel like somethings wrong with me. I love him, I mean he seems as though he cares for people to the point of physically fighting in there defence, but I have realized thats to pull the attention to himself. The only reason this relationship even works is because I’m reserved, quite. I don’t want the spot light on me in any kind of way and I’m often embarrassed by his antics but this is not the first time ive found myself in this kind of a relationship. Why do I seem to be attracting the same conversational narsissist or have I answered my own question, in the reserved and quite type. I suppose I am perfect I leave plenty of open space for him to spread his wings. Im glad I found this to read, it has helped me with my morning and my life in general. Thank you
Anne Marie Boyce
February 20, 2019 at 21:33This resonates within me deeply. I had to re read this several times. I even hand wrote it out on a notebook in order for the words to properly soak into my core. For you see, I’m married to such a person. A man I love. He was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian ‘cult’ and his upbringing has shaped him in so many ways. One is the way he holds a conversation. This article has helped me tremendously, yet has also brought me deep sorrow. Is there no hope for him to change? Is it a price I must pay to be in this relationship? Ten years. A whole decade of ‘non conversation’. I feel as if I’m drowning in loneliness because I am unable to have a true heart to heart conversation with my husband. Shoot, I can’t even mention the weather without him somehow responding with something that has to do with himself…. *sigh. Any advice, thoughts?
Katie
March 11, 2019 at 23:56I understand this and it is hard when you love someone but its a very lonely life and you have to consider if that is what you want?? personally I have a similar problem and I beginning to find it draining my self worth although I am now looking at setting boundries and looking at how to deal with this and do the best for myself … hope this helps a little.. xx
sindi
March 23, 2019 at 01:16TRY 38 yrs of it! I get so sick of it. I try to talk about things i like, but he just sits there staring into outer space, unconcerned. I have even told him that i try to talk to him about things i have no interest in and he’s fine with that, as long as it’s about what he’s interested in. they see no problem cause they’re getting their needs met. I feel like he thinks i should talk to him about what he wants and talk to my girlfriends about what i like. It’ s eroding intimacy ….big time. I even try to get him to open up about himself on a deeper level to try to understand him, but he has no fears, no regrets, no problems. never asks me if he’s meeting my needs, like i do him. he just thinks everything’s hunky dory. guess it’s too late for him to change now. i either have to find other ways to connect, which has always been through sex. he doesn’t want that much either anymore. so now what?