In our society, there is a mysterious phenomenon occurring known as “Soul Loss” arising in all people of all ages, genders, races, and backgrounds.
Indigenous people have known about the occurrence of Soul Loss for millennia and understand it as the result of an inner fragmentation caused by a traumatic experience or an intense shock to the mind and body.
While for many of us Soul Loss sounds uncomfortably familiar, this experience is usually temporary, and with the proper inner work, these lost elements of ourselves can be reintegrated into our lives.

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Table of contents
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What is Soul Loss?
When we experience Soul Loss, a part of our Soul โ or living essence โ ‘hides’ or shuts away, hindering us from expressing and experiencing our true potential and wholeness as human beings.ย
Often times entire aspects of our psyches are completely blocked out or repressed.
During my exploration of shamanism and its methods of soul retrieval, Soul Loss was defined as the experience of the Soul traveling to other realms or alternate realities, and often being possessed by spirits.
From the shamanic perspective, when these parts of our Souls are not recovered, we can’t seem to find inner completion or Wholeness.
Before psychology, this explanation was the only way primal cultures could explain (what we refer to in modern times as) trauma in order to find ways to treat it โ and it was immensely effective at the time.
However, Soul Loss can now be approached from many different angles. We’ll explore these varying perspectives next.
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How Does Soul Loss Happen?
Sadly, in our modern world, Soul Loss is the rule rather than the exception.
As individuals, we lose connection with our souls (or True Nature) every time we identify with our egos and seek to feel whole again through addictions, stimulation seeking, dogmatic beliefs, conditional relationships, and workaholism.
But there’s a reason why we identify with the ego and disconnect from the Soul in the first place: it’s a survival mechanism.
We must develop a sense of self, a separate sense of “me” in the world in order to function.
But simultaneously, developing an ego (which is basically one big defense mechanism to ensure that we’re loved, accepted, taken care of, avoid pain, etc.) means that we lose touch with the authentic essence of who we truly are: the Soul.
As a result of Soul Loss, we begin experiencing symptoms of weakness, fatigue, depression, anxiety, and emptiness.
We just know that something is missing from our lives โ but many of us struggle to discover what exactly is missing.
To understand Soul Loss as a loss, or disconnection, from the most vital parts of who we are is known in psychology as dissociation: the root of many mental illnesses.
The Psychology Behind Soul Loss
So how does the actual process of losing touch with our Soul happen, from a psychological standpoint?
When we become disconnected from the root of who we are, an imbalance is created within the psyche. This disconnection grows through time and can be intensified by traumatic circumstances that have a tendency to fragment the psyche.
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What happens when our psyches fragment? The answer is that individual parts of our personality (e.g., the shadow self, anima, animus, etc.) are made independent and thus escape the control of the conscious mind.
Lingering in the unconscious mind, these parts of us long to be integrated and to be made conscious, and can resort to extreme measures to get our attention (such as suicidal depression, self-destructive behavior, and explosive rage).
What happens when one of our psychological ‘complexes’ emancipates itself and becomes a tyrannical usurper of consciousness?
The result is an increasing feeling of being alienated from ourselves, life, and the Divine. We may live with fear, guilt, and shame as a constant backdrop to our lives.
And usually, we feel numb and empty inside, and a sense of hopelessness that we try to smother with work, family life, friendships, gossip, and various addictions.
Soul Loss is Also Known as Dissociation
Soul Loss, in a sense, is another way of saying dissociation.
If you’re familiar with basic psychology, you’ll know that dissociating means disconnecting or detaching from something, in this case, ourselves.
This disconnection happens as a result of a traumatic situation or environment that we’re subjected to.
It’s a defense mechanism that prevents us from totally shutting down and being incapable of functioning.
Here’s a (tragically very common) scenario of how dissociation works:
Imagine that a young child is molested or abused. In order to cope with the horrendous experience, the child escapes by dissociating or detaching themselves, from the situation.
In the process of protecting themselves, the child creates various alter egos, or entirely different personalities within themselves, as a defense mechanism.
In psychology, this is treated as “multiple personality disorder” (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder).
It’s easy to understand how tribal cultures would have perceived this as a loss of the Soul.
But essentially, psychological dissociation is nature’s way of protecting ourselves against intense trauma and loss by blocking these wounding situations out.
But Soul Loss, or dissociation, is not limited to these extreme cases and can be found in different degrees in most people.
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Addictions, eating and identity disorders, post-traumatic stress, depression, codependency, narcissism, low self-esteem, and adjustment disorders are all common causes for (and symptoms of) Soul Loss in our superficial, fast-paced, materialistic modern societies that are mostly devoid of all sense of sacredness.
A young woman who dreams of being an artist but has to live up to her parent’s expectations of being a doctor will lose a little bit of her Soul, ignoring an essential part of her being.
Or suppose the young woman does go ahead and follows her dream of being an artist, but deep down, she still depends on her parent’s approval. She then either blames them to avoid taking responsibility for pursuing her passion, or she develops depression because she is not accepted by them.
This story might sound familiar to you.
Fortunately, there are many ways of rediscovering wholeness again. Most of the material Aletheia and I write for lonerwolf is a form of Soul Retrieval, where we help you to become aware of aspects within yourself that may be buried or lost.
We do this by encouraging the development of authenticity, self-exploration, self-love, and self-transformation. I’ll explore some common Soul Retrieval practices a little later.
But first, are you experiencing Soul Loss?
21 Signs You Might Be Experiencing Soul Loss
There are a variety of physical, psychological, and spiritual symptoms of Soul Loss.
When we experience Soul Loss โ that is, parts of our Soul ‘hiding away’ or dissociating from us โ the result is a loss in Soulful energy or the very vitality of our lives.
This loss of energy prevents us from living a healthy, fulfilling, and creative existence. Sometimes, Soul Loss can last for a whole lifetime, resulting in the development of a self-destructive person who we often refer to as a “Lost Soul” in our language.
To recover these lost parts of ourselves, and to become balanced, whole, and centered once again, we must first identify the symptomsย of Soul Loss within us.
Below, you will find some of the most common symptoms of this core issue:
- Memories and parts of your life have been blocked out.
- You experience strong periods of depression.
- Parts within yourself feel missing or broken.
- You experience a general emotional numbness to life.
- Constant feelings of fear or anxiety plague you.
- You go through long periods of insomnia.
- You feel lost or incomplete.
- You feel like a ‘different person’ after a shocking or traumatic life event.
- You feel stuck or incapable of overcoming a certain issue in your life.
- You feel disappointed with life.
- You feel as though there are multiple ‘selves’ within you.
- You try to escape by turning to alcohol, drugs, sex, television, or excessive busyness.
- You feel unworthy of being loved.
- You are experiencing a dark night of the soul and/or spiritual emergency.
- You want to find your purpose and meaning in life.
- You feel like your daily life is meaningless and task-driven.
- You avoid feeling vulnerable and keep others at a distance.
- You long for wholeness and a sense of belonging.
- You sometimes feel that you’re not in control of yourself.
- You constantly feel mentally or physically fatigued for no medical reason.
- You thirst for authenticity and complete acceptance of yourself.
How many can you relate to? You’re welcome to share in the comments below.
Soul Loss & the Spiritual Awakening Journey
What happens after we experience Soul Loss? The answer is that usually, we go through an internal crisis (or Dark Night of the Soul) that leads to a deep spiritual awakening.
In fact, Soul Loss is typically what triggers an initiation into the mysteries of the inner world in the first place โ it’s at the core of the spiritual wanderer’s journey.
Eventually, we get to a point where we just can’t continue living with a sense of existential emptiness and desolation any longer.
A thirst is then born deep inside of us to find our true destiny, place in the world, and meaningful connection with the Divine. Such is the beginning of our spiritual journey โ the call to return Home.
How to Reconnect With Your Soul
For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?
โ Jesus of Nazareth
Inner work or Soul Retrieval (ensoulment) practices are the best way to reconnect with your Soul.
This is because they take you on an internal adventure and channel your energy toward your deepest buried feelings, thoughts, and dreams, all of which carry vital parts of you.
There are a multitude of inner work practices out there. Some of those particularly suited to Soul Retrieval may include:
- Inner child work
- Shadow work
- Art therapy
- Dream work
- Mirror work
- Archetype work (also includes Internal Family Systems Therapy)
- Plant medicine journeying (undertake this with an experienced guide)
- Meditation and mindfulness exercises
- Visualization
- Keeping a journal
- Singing and chanting
- Nature immersion and ecotherapy
- Movement therapy (yoga, dancing, etc.)
- Our Shadow & Light Membership for ongoing support
Choose a few areas you’re interested in and stick with them for a period of a year or more.
(However, ultimately, use your own judgment โ and if you feel overwhelmed by any, stop immediately.)
This work takes dedication and sincerity, so go at a slow and steady pace. One day, you will look back on the moment you read this article and realize how far you’ve come!
Soul Loss Q&A
Here are the answers to some commonly asked questions:
Q: Is Soul Loss about losing your Soul โ can I lose my Soul?
A: Soul Loss is about losingย touchย with your Soul. You cannot totally lose your Soul; it is always there in the background of your life, albeit, often times inaccessible due to the trauma you may have experienced. Many people misunderstand the term Soul Loss and believe that it means literally meaning losing your Soul. But instead, it’s about losing access to the vital core of you.
Q: How do you know if your Soul is gone?
A: Again, the Soul never ‘goes’ away, it just becomes hard to reach, hard to reconnect with. Common signs that you’ve experienced Soul Loss include anxiety, depression, emotional numbness, loneliness, emptiness, chronic fatigue, feelings of hopelessness, boredom, and profound dissatisfaction with life.
Q: Can Soul retrieval only be done with a shaman?
A: Although ‘Soul Retrieval’ is a shamanic term, it doesn’t need to be performed exclusively by a shaman. Psychotherapists, bodyworkers, and highly experienced trauma-informed spiritual healers can also provide Soul Retrieval help. Try to find someone reputable when it comes to Soul Retrieval, and most of all, trust your instincts. This is a sacred journey and requires guidance from a person who genuinely respects you and the process.
***
To be healthy, to feel whole, and to live a harmonious life, you must recover the vital lost parts of yourself by learning to live a life of balance, authenticity, and self-love.
Finding the fragments of yourself that are lost, restoring, and integrating them is to return to your innate wholeness โ it is to restore the essential vitality that is your Soul, which is the essence of the journey of spiritual awakening.
To learn to slowly reintegrate the lost elements of your Soul through the practice of inner work (or Soul Retrieval) is to fulfill your potential as a divine being having a human experience.
If you would like to learn what to explore next after healing from Soul Loss, see our guide on Soul Work as a path to embodying divine love.
What has your experience been like with Soul Loss? I’d love to hear your story below.
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Thanks for this article! Here is my life experience with soul loss: Throughout my whole life I had difficulties with being able to fully be my true self (so I couldn’t fully express my being) as well as difficulty bonding and connecting with people (no close relationships), due to my high sensitivity as an HSP, intolerance of low vibrations and negativity in people, and complications from being on the autism spectrum. There was a rift which I needed to somehow bridge between my true inner self and my outer self…I didn’t quite have the social confidence and wherewithal to be who I was meant to manifest as. I knew it was possible, I just didn’t find a way to do it in time, before my soul started giving up, essentially. Despite that manifestation issue, I had an immense, grounded, extremely present soul and was very in tune with myself…so my soul loss was INTENSE. In a nutshell, I had went out in the world at age 22, which ended up being an overall overwhelming 7 months. I still felt the underlying pain and depression of feeling trapped inside myself and that I wasn’t able to live life to its fullest, actually started feeling like a vital window of time was nearing its end. Felt it best to go live with a parent I hadn’t grown up with (because I didn’t want to go back to the one I had grown up with) and just work on that depression and inner turmoil, rather than spending my energy working to pay rent in a fast-paced city. Vital mistake!! My dad drove down to attend my brother’s wedding in Arizona and from there he and I drove back up to Washington. On that long drive I realized quickly that his energy was INCOMPATIBLE with mine – negative, pushy, unmindful, uncaring, egocentric, assuming….I simply shut down. Upon arrival, I experienced my very first derealization episode – at the entrance to my new place of residence. Should have taken that signal, but I didn’t feel like I had any other option. My feelings of that window closing intensified and I started losing hope, focusing on all that I could have been, my unrealized potential, that I was already an adult but still wanting in some major developmental areas, that I hadn’t accomplished anything significant, and that maybe I wouldn’t ever be able to get out of my shell, ever be able to truly be myself or have meaningful relationships. Maybe a week into living there I felt like I was dying…my spirit was literally informing me it was dying. Instead of healing, and despite attempting therapy, I spiraled into a massive depression. I began believing I was too different from typical people to mesh with this world. I began doubting and second-guessing myself – my views, values, experiences – maybe the problem lay in myself. Along with that came a compulsion to try to see the world through others’ eyes – specifically the ways that grated on me and felt degenerate (ways which my inner psyche was repulsed or scared by). Pretty soon I did not have a solid foundation for my reality – my perceptive and meaning-making systems had lost their once-solid validity. My reality was now filled with – *this is how I would automatically perceive and think and feel*, but *others may perceive, think feel this way* or *maybe this* or *maybe that*, and degenerative ways of being were always there “infiltrating” my consciousness like a grotesque monster you can’t keep your eyes off of. My derealization and now depersonalization (I myself don’t feel real), were taking a firmer hold. At about the same time, I lost someone I had recently opened up to, which was a huge thing for me to do, and I had actually been developing a connection to them – it’s a complicated story but that pretty much drove me off the deep end…I basically became obsessed with trying to fix it (while in my compromised state of being) and the situation was a literal torture to me, day after day. My psyche became so messed up I thought I was developing schizophrenia, with general paranoia, feeling like thoughts were infiltrating my mind that weren’t mine, disorganized thinking, withdrawal. After 6 long months of this my “friend” from the city I left found out how badly I was doing and offered to let me stay with him until I got on my feet…turns out he had ulterior motives and when things didn’t pan out the way he liked he kicked me to the curb and I ended up hopping from place to place after that – instability on top of instability. This city was also the place where the person I had lost a connection with lived, and my obsession with restoring it burned ever brighter (also great for my mental health). In the end, after another half year I had no other choice but to return to my place of upbringing – which was kind of equivalent to soul death. I’d never ever wanted to go back there – it was a place I could not thrive or grow. Upon walking up to the house I literally had a panic attack – again, a sign I should have heeded, but f***, there was nothing else I could do. My DPDR became even worse while living there…and has now been chronic for 9 years! I’m left without an identity, the opposite of DID, and my body has become broken down in the process too, with CFS. I’ve still gone nowhere in life and found no relief.
Hey 000
Your story shocked me. I feel exactly the same like you. I am 22 years old now and really don’t wanna end up like you.. wow.. What will You do? What should I do? ..I thought about just going away from everyone I know, to somewhere where it’s warm.. but will that really help? Why would I be another person there than here? .. Starting a therapy maybe? .. I don’t know..
Hello, dang no way! What parts do you identify with? Hm…well I know what I needed from the very beginning was an environment I felt safe in…basically, people you can feel comfortable with and not feeling like you have to hide and protect your vulnerable self from. That, for me, is vital. With a home environment that’s unhealthy for you, your energy will be drained and you’ll be less motivated, and may be driven into survival mode. Making a move can definitely help in your journey. It can be stressful, so you really need to prioritize your emotional and mental health. You can try therapy and see how it works out for you; keep in mind that not every therapist is going to be a good fit; or perhaps a spiritual teacher. Identify what area of yourself really needs attention at this time and be brave in seeking out what you need. Yeah…I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined I’d end up in this much torment and dysfunction, but it’s ‘keep on keepin on’ for me! I’m trying to get myself out of the city I’ve been stuck in forever, just need to solidify the plans on that, and basically healing/regeneration is what I need to focus on. Good luck to both of us! May the universe help out those who need help. Universe. Hello??? Nope. Nada
My first reaction was to answer your question, โUniverse, Hello??โ To which in my mind while reading replied โYes, Iโm hereโ. The Universe is you. YOUniverse. You are complete and yet ever expanding. The destination is forever and now is all there is. In making your peace and well-being your priority you will be inspired to what to do. It is an individual space that you go within and just take whatever you can to feel better in that moment. I have found that my simple release of sincerely letting go of how I thought anyone else was going to feel about whatever it is I needed to do was the first step. It was imperative for me to stop judging or even allowing anyone elseโs vibration only my mind. I had to feel like I was the only one alive in the entire Universe and be ok with myself in that existence. Wow, I didnโt even realize that was what I needed until I wrote that just this moment. Thank you for being vulnerable and seeking relief from your inner torment. You have every ability within you to transfer into your vibration into that which you desire to exist. Please love yourself and do whatever it is to feel better and take care of YOU
Soul loss?
I dont know what world i belong to ..all i know is that my world has tumbled and crushed me…all 21 are true…but i domt know what to do…i dont have money …i lost everything…i dont know what to do
I’m sorry to hear that Nichole. Sometimes the guidance we seek can be found in all sorts of places, some accessible and free to start with are local groups (think sites like meetup.com, nextdoor or even via facebook) that focus on spirituality and topics of healing. In these moments of crisis, deep down what we need is to feel supported, that we aren’t all alone facing this.
You do have the answers but they come one by one in the breath you take and the beats of your heart supplying the energy of life moment by moment. My advise is to just focus on the moment like a breath or beat or whatever you can do and ask within how can I think or what can I do right now just to feel a little better right now? Listen to the inspiration and when you find yourself with any other intrusive thoughts trying to win your focus other than the ones that are specifically making you have some relief, just keep steady in your mind and your primary desire to feel better. You truly can do this and I know that you have the power to feel better. You are not responsible for what others think or feel about you no matter how you may believe you do. Everyone is on their own journey and our interactions teach each of us individually in our self that which is for us in each situation we encounter. Let us not be consumed by fear while we are overcoming lower vibrational waves other than releasing ourself from them and moving to a more peaceful place. You are unconditionally and forever loved right now!
I have had a lot of traumatic experiences in my life and my mind has blocked out a lot. I also suffer from aphantasia (lack of a minds eye, I can’t visualize only see darkness when eyes are closed) and I don’t know if I ever had one or if I jave blocked it out. I dream extremely vivid dreams but they are always bad dreams. Ones of war, destruction and me having to try to save others and my family. I am tired and I keep trying to work on things but it just seems hopeless. Is there a time where it’s impossible to get all of you back? I don’t know what to do anymore I just know I am tired.
I suppose waking up early helps to prevent nightmares. At least it has helped in my case, I think – waking up at maybe like 5 am?
Hi Mateo, I realize you may not be on here much but we have suspect DID. One of our alters (parts of our psyche) suggested looking into this. As a purely science focused individual, I was curious how the normal clinical understanding of DID would fit in with this potential solution, as clinical DID is explained as parts never coming together rather than shattering into a million pieces (shattering is a common misconception). For us it’s as if we never had access to our “core” or our soul as you put it in the article. The alter who suggested this is the spiritual one of our system and I just want to learn more. I think she might have an understanding on the more mystical side but this only fits with a different perspective that’s the common misconception of a well-known disorder. Thank you!
Casey
That’s interesting about DID being an identity that never came together. Does it feel like each of the identities is incomplete?
Hi Mateo. My name is Alisa. I’ve struggled for most of my adult life with pretty intense depression and feeling a lack of pretty much everything meaningful in life. Hearing the term soul loss just kind of makes sense to me. I have lost myself and i feel so hollow inside, at least during the day. I do believe she visits me in my dreams though. I have a such a strong pull to sleep and my dreams are so vivid and full of feeling I’ve nearly forgotten. My dreams are very special to me for this reason. I know she is there, but I dont want to expose this wonderful bright light to the darkness of this world. I understand why she hast to leave me with this, she is safe in my dreams. I want her to fly but I dont want the edges of this world and the people in it to cut her like they’ve cut me. Anyways I’m sure no one will see this but I might as well put it out there somewhere. Thank you for your time.
Hey Alisa, I’m sorry to hear that and I can understand how your dreams feel so powerful. To use psychological language, I’ve noticed my defenses are lowered at night and early in the morning which allows a more deeper access to those parts that aren’t as easily accessible.
I’d recommend working with someone through this, there’s no need to go at it alone and as intimidating as it can feel, allowing someone else like a spiritual counselor/therapist/psychologist to help us navigate this can be most healing.
I wish you well.
Hey Alisa
I know exactly what you mean with “I know she is there, but I dont want to expose this wonderful bright light to the darkness of this world”..
Let me know when you have find a way to let her shine again, because I am interested in trying that, although I am tired of trying so much stuff.. but somehow it gives me some kind of power or energy when I hear/read that there are other people out there who feel the same.. I am not the only one.. somehow a good feeling and somehow sad.. anyway, let me know :)
A beautiful soul was taken from my life recently. I live in so much guilt and agony knowing how much trust she had in me but I failed her. Somehow this is bringing me back to something I missed doing the first time when I was younger and so much badness surrounded me. It’s hard to breathe from the pain much less figure out what I missed I should be doing now. Nothing will being her back to me but if I can deserve to be with her again… Be the hero I saw in her eyes.
I am experiencing almost every sign youโve stated about soul loss. I am unable to feel or express any type of emotion whether it is sadness or happiness. Iโve become emotionally numb.
Also I feel like I am lacking the feminine energy inside me. Sometimes I feel like I am getting weak from the left side of my body, also having physical pain on the left side including head, neck and arm.
Thereโs so much of confusion which never gets resolved whatever I do.
I only feel anxious and depressed all the time, sometimes I feel that I am experiencing dark knight of the soul.
Lot and lot of confusion and nothing else.
Thanks so much for this article I have been going through some really hard dark night of the soul, and I have just learned the term recently in researching why I am feeling like this I came across this article and wow! I have been going through ay least 19 of your 21 signs and I am so grateful to know what is going on and what I need to do to fix (heal) myself as ND be whole again. I really am thankful for this!! Your awesome!
Missing your knowledge and wisdom.I would like to start receiving your newsletters again. I enjoyed reading and learning. I feel like I belong in what is sent. And I feel feel different around so many other people. Some think I am crazy when expressing myself. I know l was born with a great purpose. I am a very spiritual woman and at times I feel like I’m on a blessed journey. I have gone through the worse trauma. Twelve years ago my beautiful 27 year old daughter Carly Marie passed away in a car accident My daughter was my twin soul โค I was in shock for almost a full year My whole self was numb, emotionally drained physically in pain My heart split Hiding from the world. I didn’t give up on myself through this nightmare I was determined to learn everything possible about the otherside. I was determined to stay connected to my daughter’s spiritual self. My daughter in her physical life was living your life to the fullest. She was like a magnet with people and animals. No matter where she traveled , my daughter Carly left love โค in everyone’s hearts โฅ Family was very important to her and all her friends she made throughout her life. I have never felt my daughter was far and she still needed me as much as I need her between the two realms. I spent year after year reading everything after a loved one passes on. Together we are still so connected. Carly is very powerful in making sure l acknowledge letting me know she is with me. I promised myself one day l would write a book. Thank goodness I kept it journal concerning Carly ” Our Beautiful White Butterfly ” It took me 9 years to finally write about my daughter โค A Tribute In Memory, my book was published in 2018 it’s called ” THE WHITE BUTTERFLY’S JOURNEY” The struggle is real and still my soul feels so empty. Time still has not healed my soul, my broken heart my mind
That is what is happening to me I need help myself
I have never thougt about that i lost my soul, or in a better word like disconected. My soul has disconected from me for a long period in my life. Today when i was redning your text abot soullost, it all came to me. I know understand what i am going thrue in this period i havet been in such a long time!
Thank you so mutch for making me understand, that this level or stadium im going thrue is something i have to do, to understand my soul and what i need to do.
Sorry for my bad english. Im from Sweden
Bless you
Leif
I married a man who was 10 years older and damaged emotionally during Vietnam era and denied psych counseling when he was discharged due to his injury loss but at that time the VA did not recognize PTSD. He was 32 and I was 23 when we married and I should of left when he came home after being gone 3-4 days with his โbrosโ he came in at 2 am drunk and I was in our bed breastfeeding our 1st born, his son when he got into bed he slapped me in the face calling me a โbitchโ while my infant was nursing !
That was over 40 years ago but I did leave him in 2008 for a year but he promised me he would go to marriage counseling but as soon as I got home he took me to bed to do his thing, like to mark me that I was his! Then I asked about the. Counseling appointment he stated โ I am not going to counseling as all you want to do is dirty me upโ
I can not tell you how deflated I felt and after driving cross country with my niece when I left him and the amazing feeling of โ spiritual awakening โ that the trip gave me with seeing beautiful colors of the canyons and meeting strangers that were so nice and living with my sister in law who loved me unconditionally since she came into our family and I was a kid but I fell in love with her as a big sister that day she came into our family .
Like I said I was deflated by his lies and years of evil things he did to me and never said sorry I realized he was a psychopath! Now it is 2021 and I still can not find happiness in any thing I do or where I live as I feel stuck. I recently found out I have metastatic bone cancer that was missed for up to 10 years and is too many bone sites so I choose Hospice as I have been in constant pain but death can not come soon enough! But I thought he would admit to things that bother me that no one could imagine a spouse doing to someone they supposed to love , but he still refuses to fess up and turn it around telling me I am โ crazyโ and that our 2 children agree with him but I said โ my children lie to you because they do not want to be on your bad side because they fear you as I used to all those decades but you do not cause fear in me anymore only disrespect and angry at myself for always putting others ahead of myself and staying married to you for the kids sake when I should of left and they would of not been on the other side of your anger that I was unaware of until the kids were adults and I saw our adult daughter go deep in the woods picking sap off the trees and when I called out to her it was like she did not hear me even though I was beside her but when I did get her out of her trance she said โ mom this is where I would go when dad lost his temper with me or got made at me cause you always worked separate shifts !
I cried and hugged my daughter and could not tell her enough how sorry I was. That she had to feel alone and sad that she and her brother could not come to me and tell me this as I surely would of left him.
So I am terminal and trying to heal my damaged soul along with my children because I do not want my spirit to stay on this earth in turmoil.?
Hi Cathy, I’m sorry to read what you’ve been through. No wonder why you feel that you’ve lost your soul. You’ve been pushed through pain beyond anything that is human. I am no counselor, and I can a only say that I hear you. If it helps, I’m sending you an enormous wave of warm fraternal love. I haven’t been through anything similar to you, but I’m also in pain. I’ve lost two people I love, and feel like my family is disintegrating. It feels like the place I belong is fading away. All that I have left is trying to enjoy the sunrise, my cuppa Joe, and coming back to bed to rest exhausted at night. I’m slowly trying to incorporate new activities to my life to see if I can connect to some other spaces in this world. But is proving to be very challenging. I hope you receive good treatment for your condition. And that you might find peace soon. Love.
Hello Cathy, your story really touched my heart and helped me feel something. I have also had trauma and am numb. I have CFS and have gone from being too caring to too uncaring- or perhaps unable to care. Your post put me in touch with my soul which is rare these days and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with me.
I hope you are feeling self love and peaceful in your heart, best wishes