Loneliness can be compared to a thick winter’s fog.
It stifles and strangles you, pulling you under a heavy blanket of depression, pervading all that you see.
Loneliness causes you to filter life through a lens of desolation and deep despair. Your spirit becomes so heavy with the weight of your isolation that you often feel like laying down, shriveling up, and dying.
Sound dramatic?
It is.
Loneliness has been linked to an increase in health issues such as dementia, stroke, heart disease, and premature death.
And interestingly enough, loneliness isn’t just an issue faced by singles, widowers, or the elderly – it’s also greatly troubling Millenials, who, due to the impact of social media, are finding themselves feeling more and more isolated.
Whether you feel loneliness in a crowd, in your marriage, in your workplace, friend circle, religion, culture or simply by yourself, there is hope. Yes, it’s possible to learn how to deal with loneliness, and I’ll show you how (from painful personal experience). But first:
Loneliness: You’re Not Alone
As humans, it’s our tendency to believe that we’re the only one in the world feeling the deep level of isolation we’re experiencing. But what we fail to realize that loneliness is a worldwide epidemic. And no, you’re NOT alone – at least in experiencing it.
Here are some shocking findings from numerous studies/sources which will help you to see how common this issue is:
- Loneliness affects close to 47% of Americans (source)
- In Japan, there are more than half a million people under the age of 40 who haven’t left their house or interacted with anyone for at least six months (source)
- One in four Australians feel lonely at least once every single week (source) and one in five Australians rarely or never have anyone to talk to when they need help (source)
- 30% of Millenials said they always or often feel lonely compared to 20% with Generation X and 15% of Boomers (source)
- 9 million people in the UK across all ages are either always or often lonely (source)
- More than 60% of married people struggle with loneliness (source)
- 49% of older people in the UK say that television or pets are their main form of company (source)
… and the statistics keep coming and coming – this list is only the tip of the iceberg!
Can you see how widespread loneliness is and that you’re not alone as you think you are?
Why Are We Lonely?
While loneliness might be universally felt, the reasons why we feel it are unique for each person.
For example, I’ve felt lonely for many years due to the trauma of being brought up in a fundamentalist Christian religion. (Naturally, being taught that outsiders were “evil” caused me to distance myself from everyone which caused this deep-seated loneliness. Thankfully, I’ve since left religion.)
Other reasons why we can feel lonely often include:
- Death of a spouse
- Estrangement from family members
- Lacking access to quality relationships where we can share our deepest thoughts, feelings, and beliefs (this can be due to numerous reasons, such as working too much, living in a community that doesn’t meet your needs, struggling to connect to likeminded people, etc.)
- Undergoing a life crisis or existential crisis
- Living alone unwillingly
- Possessing different values or beliefs from the vast majority of those around you
- Undergoing a spiritual awakening process
- Poor or underdeveloped social skills
- Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
- Childhood trauma and later-life trauma (this also includes being in toxic relationships, struggling with narcissistic family members, physical/emotional/mental abuse, etc.)
- Health issues
But perhaps the biggest reason why we struggle with loneliness is because we lack a deep connection with our inner self, our soul. This is known as soul loss.
Loneliness is very subjective. For example, someone living alone with no friends might seem lonely to an onlooker, but on the inside, they might be perfectly content and relaxed. On the other hand, a person with a big family and successful career might seem happy to the general public – but inside, they might feel totally and utterly alone.
There really is no one ironclad stereotype when it comes to loneliness.
How to Deal With Loneliness
If you’re suffering from chronic loneliness – which is an epidemic that’s increasing in our society according to numerous studies – please know that it is possible to transform this experience. And you don’t even have to put in too much effort in most circumstances.
As someone who has had a lot of experience with loneliness (I’ve spent a large portion of my life lonely and isolated), I’ve compiled a list that I hope will help you below:
1. Learn to have fun by yourself again
This was perhaps the most important method I used to overcome my loneliness.
When we lose friends or family members – or simply drift away from everyone around us – we tend to lose all sense of fun and playfulness, often preferring to wallow in our misery instead. Realize that you can have fun alone and that you don’t need to rely on others to make you happy. The person who can enjoy life alone can never have happiness taken away from them – to truly understand this is liberating!
I know it sounds wacky and a little juvenile (well, I was 19), but my journey with regaining my playfulness started in the bathrooms of a well-established university. Sick of the day-to-day drabness of socially isolating study, I printed out flyers about diarrhea and stuck them all over the walls and mirrors of a women’s bathroom. (I never knew how liberating fecal matter could be!)
But you don’t have to do something as wacky as I did to learn to have fun by yourself again. Start by doing something small that you enjoy, and take it from there.
Yes, it is possible to regain what you have lost, by yourself. You will be a stronger and better person that way. Why? Because you won’t rely on, or use, other people for your entertainment.
2. Learn to laugh again
Laughing has been scientifically proven to benefit your health. But what happens when you’re lonely? Well, chances are, you don’t laugh much. At all. (I know that I didn’t.)
When you really think about it, it’s unfortunate how much we rely on others to make us happy. That’s why learning how to laugh again, by yourself is so important. It empowers you, and once again, it allows you to not use other people for your entertainment. They’re not vending machines after all!
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, try putting on a funny film. Not only does it take your focus away from yourself and your misery, but it reboots those endorphins in your brain again. Funny pictures can also help, like those found on reddit.
3. Practice mirror work
Spend quality time with yourself, just like with a friend or someone you love. One powerful way of doing this is by practicing something called mirror work. Mirror work is simple, and all it requires is a mirror, openness, and some free time.
To practice mirror work for the purpose of connecting deeply with yourself, spend five minutes a day gazing gently at yourself in a mirror. I understand how bizarre that might sound, but staring deeply into your eyes and smiling every day really makes you feel happy. But don’t believe me – try it out for yourself!
One result of this strange practice is an increase in self-love and self-acceptance – especially when you pair this practice with loving affirmations such as “I accept you,” “I forgive you,” “I love you,” etc.
Every day we tend to look at ourselves in the mirror to pamper and preen, but we only do it superficially. But have you ever stopped to stare at yourself – earnestly? Try it, and you may be blown away by how much self-awareness you can develop.
4. Become your own best friend
I’m sure you’ve had a best friend in the past that now, for one reason or another, has drifted away. Even if you’ve never had a best friend before, how do you observe best friends treating each other on TV? Most people would say something along the lines of “nicely,” “caringly,” and “considerately.”
Let me ask you a question: is that the way you treat yourself? If not, why? Why can’t you be your own best friend? What is it about yourself that you’re so insecure about? Don’t you deserve love and respect just like everyone else? (If you struggle to answer this question, you might like to look into your core beliefs.)
Many people falsely believe that a best friend can only be someone else. This is an absurd idea, because how can you learn to love and appreciate people truly if first you don’t love and appreciate yourself?
Treat yourself kindly. Compliment yourself. Be considerate towards yourself, and show respect. This is the foundation of learning how to love yourself.
5. Become your own counselor
This is extremely important if you want to learn how to survive loneliness.
One of the most irritating things in the world is listening to people who moan and complain about their problems but don’t stop to question why they’re happening, or what they can do to solve them. While it’s natural for us to complain (it can be therapeutic), constant whinging wastes energy and gets us nowhere.
Becoming your own counselor is invaluable because it allows you to explore your problems, rather than wallow in them. Ask yourself, Why am I lonely? When did it start? How am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way? What can I do to solve my loneliness? (By the way, kudos for checking out this article, because, in a sense, you’re being your own counselor now.)
Analyzing your problems really does help put them into new perspectives. When I experienced loneliness I read self-help books, started journaling, and mapped out my issues on pieces of paper to give them a visual perspective. The more I analyzed them and looked at them with different perspectives, the easier I found it to address my inner turmoil.
6. Be near people
By nature, we’re social beings – it’s hardwired into us to crave the physical, emotional, and psychological company of fellow human beings, hence the existence of loneliness. So go out and be near people.
If going out with your so-called “friends” alienates and depresses you (if you have any right now), go and sit anonymously in a public space. This way you can entertain yourself by people-watching and being in close proximity to other people. Although this doesn’t necessarily cater to your emotional and psychological needs, it’s a start and was something I definitely found useful while experiencing loneliness.
7. Volunteer
Volunteer or join an interest group. Take small steps to get out of your comfort zone. Check your local newspaper, sign up to a Facebook group in your area, or go on meetup.com.
There are many beautiful, kindred souls to be found in volunteering circles and interest groups. In fact, if you’re looking for a friend, this is the perfect way to meet new people. Loneliness tricks you into thinking that everyone is alike and that you won’t ever be able to find a kindred soul. But by doing the math, it’s easy to see that we’ll most likely find someone to truly connect with eventually.
8. Take care of yourself physically
Neglecting yourself when you feel down is tempting. But taking care of your body is the beginning of recovery. So be playful. Your body deserves comfort, grooming, and pleasure.
Have a bubble bath. Lie on a soft pillow. Buy yourself a nice treat. Get a massage. Do your hair. Drink some tea or fine wine. The more I respected my body, the more I found respect for myself in honoring my comfort and taking care of my needs.
9. Listen to calming music
Don’t make the mistake of listening to depressing or dark music to match your mood. While dark music can provide a nice emotional release, often it just winds up making you feel even worse.
Instead, try listening to up-beat, classical, or ambient music (this will increase the endorphins, or happy chemical, in your brain).
If you want some keyword suggestions, get YouTube up on your browser and search for “happy relaxing music,” “ambient music,” “binaural beats positive energy,” “emotional healing music,” and so on. I particularly love listening to wind chimes and hang drums: they’re light, ethereal, and uplifting.
10. Learn to love joy more than misery
It’s quite possible that you’re in love with your misery at this very moment in time. I know this sounds bizarre and a little shocking, but see this article which explains this concept more in-depth.
Speaking from personal experience, I realized at some point that I was accustoming myself too much to a miserable way of life. After a while, when all we know is isolation and depression, we tend to grow accustomed to this way of living. It becomes the norm. And in a sickly way, it even provides us with a sense of comfort. This means that when we try to break our “norm” of isolation and depression we become uncomfortable, suddenly thrown out of our comfort zone. This fear can lead to self-sabotaging behavior that is designed to try and regain that sense of comfortable (yet stagnant and miserable) safety. Becoming aware of this can truly liberate you when learning how to deal with loneliness.
11. Understand that it’s possible to be alone, but not lonely
It’s a simple mindset shift, but it makes a world of difference. Sometimes the loneliness we feel is a byproduct of what society tells us. After all, we are all sold the idea that being in a heterosexual relationship with 2-3 children and a job is meant to be the pinnacle of normality and non-loneliness.
But is it?
Why should we believe and adopt this idea and let it affect OUR happiness?
Just because we find ourselves alone, divorced, widowed, friendless, what-have-you, doesn’t mean we’ve failed. Nothing in life is permanent, even the position you find yourself in now. So then, why should we allow ourselves to be pressured to feel like there’s something “wrong” with us when everything is temporary.
It is absolutely possible to be alone but not lonely. In fact, some of the most isolated people in the world have also been the most successful and/or happy (think of spiritual ascetics, monks, saints, writers like Emily Dickinson, innovators like Einstein, and artists like Greta Garbo who famously stated “I want to be alone”).
We explore the benefits of solitude more in our book The Power of Solitude.
12. Find an animal companion
If you can’t, don’t want to, or don’t have the time to connect with other people at this point in life, an animal companion is a wonderful way to feel emotionally connected to another living being.
Adopting a dog, cat, rabbit, bird (or whatever you resonate with) from a local shelter is not only an act of compassion, but it ensures that you’ll have another living being to spend your days with.
Not only that, but often animals have a way of reconnecting us back to other humans. Dogs, for example, are a beautiful way of forming connections, even fleeting ones, with other dog owners at the park.
13. Reconnect with your soul
Right at the heart and core of loneliness is often a disconnection from our innermost Self.
In other words, loneliness is often not a lack of company, it’s a lack of quality connection with your deepest self.
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When we are disconnected from our Soul we struggle with lethargy, demotivation, depression, and the desire to isolate ourselves from others. This is known as soul loss, and it’s a common issue in society.
In order to reconnect with your Soul, you will need to practice inner work to remove the blocks (in the form of negative beliefs, traumas, and core wounds) that stand in the way of your inner light.
One powerful way of beginning inner work is by starting your own spiritual practice. (And yes, you can still be religious or an atheist and have a spiritual practice – it’s how you define it that matters.) Read more about spirituality to begin the next step in your journey.
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I hope this article has helped to inspire you to learn how to deal with loneliness better. Please remember that no matter how isolated you feel, there is always something you can do to feel a little better. And in fact, the likelihood is that someone living in the very same suburb as you right now is feeling something similar. You’re not as alone as you think.
What has your experience been like with social isolation?
For example, have you learned how to deal with loneliness in your own unique way (that hasn’t been shared here)?
I’d love to hear below!
I went over this internet site and I believe you have a lot of fantastic info, saved to fav (:.
I have a problem of over thinking
I like to live quite alone, spending much time thinking about everything. Sometimes i cry, after that i feel some sort of calmness. I was 9 when my father died. Every time i stay alone, i use to think of him
I have learned alot of these lessons but I feel alone because I try to be of peace and keep the peace with loved ones. Its hard to keep being catious of their feelings while they are constantly not interested in mine, i am becoming very sensitive and its starting to hurt my feelings. I am perfectly fine alone and have done a lot of the work in this article and felt great about it. What do you do when you grow into a more compassionate person than the person your with. You know they love you but are not willing to learn anything about you. You try and give suggestions as little as information about yourself and what is important to you but they won’t give you even the time of day without making arguments just to tell in a proper manner how you feel. Its becoming hurtful and I have to just not talk to keep the energy clear and calm for them. What about me. I love the person and they love me but they have not been on the same path as me and won’t change i accepted it but when is enough when you notice this person is not capable of listening just to what is important to you?
Laurie
Why do you feel / think this person really loves you? He sounds much like my parents who sometimes said they loved me, but they were never INTERESTED enough in me to pay any attention to what I was feeling, thinking, doing, my dreams, my ambitions, my fears . . . they were “loving” a fantasy they had of me that had little or nothing to do with the “real me.”
It can be extremely hard for us to come to grips with the reality that just because someone says “I love you” doesn’t mean they do, if they are only interested in the tip of the iceberg, the 5% that floats above the water, but not the 95% that’s under the waves, is that really love?
Thanks for sharing this, Luna. This is very helpful!
Greetings from Indonesia.!
Due to This COVID 19 crap I am isolated alone home for more than a week now. I have no partner, I have my child living with my ex. Luckily I can still visit them once or twice a week.. other than that I have no friends and family… no one. Before COVID I was going to work every day, now I am working from home. My tasks do not require much cooperation with my colleagues … so here I am… sitting alone in my suddenly messy home, because I am totally demotivated to clean or cook for myself… damm weekends… I generally like to be alone, but I didn’t felt that lonely before.
I wasn’t going to read this as I don’t feel lonely, but I’m glad I did as I do struggle to be alone with myself sometimes, so there were lots of great tips for me to take on board.
Thank you for sharing this Luna <3 :).
I found so many great benefits of spending time only by my own. First what I realized was that I was able to connect with my spirit guides (Ascended Masters) who wanted to support me and I've gradually developed abilities to communicate with them telephatically. It can actually be quite a challenge to feel lonely while having a good relationship with them :). Our guides support us and share love with us whereas regular people mostly operate on energy feeding mechanisms which I really wanted to get out of. Spending time with other people can make us more prone to absorbing their issues and toxic energies, especially when someone is an empath. And among other people it is hard to even hear ourselves/our intuition because there is such a noise out there. Solitude is wonderful and can be truly transformational if we only chose to be committed to ourselves. Understanding that loneliness is the most important part of the process and trusting the process and ourselves is crutial. And spending time on the inner work to be able to become whole again can eventually lead us to meet out ideal partner, our true love (another whole) so we can live a life beyond what we can imagine :) <3
I think loneliness is when you fell like you have demons inside you that tell you “You aren’t good enough!” or, “Your a mistake!” and, “You will never be good enough!” I fell like that sometimes. I fall in despair. It is not a good thing to fall in. I have those demons inside me. I always feel lonely. I don’t know why tho.
I am only 12 years old tho…. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS!?!?!
Your 12 yrs old… and I was once 12 years old… and felt Incredible loneliness…It doesn’t change as you age… My advice….Find a sports team become a Loyal fan, be around other like minded youngsters…and there you will find a tribe to connect and create a family.
Inside there is a war,neaver a winner, sad but true.
One thing that doesn’t help loneliness is when people reach out on an online platform like this, only to have no ‘reply’ to their comment, while others do receive replies. It tends to start to feel like the dreaded ‘cool’ versus ‘not cool’ groupy thing back at school. I am wondering why you ‘ignore’ some comments and not others. Of course, you don’t have time to reply to everyone at length, but on an article about loneliness, it seems like a bit of a power trip to pick and choose who to say ‘thanks for your comment’ to. An unconscious mistake, perhaps?
wow Thanks so much love this article so much .
everything you wrote is so true and awesome.
Good article, except for beginning by complaining about your Christian upbringing. Please get over it. It’s debilitating when someone has to keep mentioning their “pet hate of religious upbringing”. Let it go! Find the positives of that upbringing, then you won’t have to “hate” it so much, because that’s what comes across every time you write about it Aletheia.
John, from my perspective I was grateful to read that Aletheia had a Christian fundamentalist upbringing and despite this has managed to find a way to live a spiritual life. It is helpful for me to know that others have grappled with such an upbringing and have found a way to move forward spiritually. Also, how exactly is it debilitating to keep mentioning it?
Aletheia, thank you for sharing. I’m relatively new to your site and did not know about your upbringing. Your example of feeling lonely due to religion resonated with me.
I believe being lonely is a step up from isolated depression where you don’t care or acknowledge loneliness because it’s a feeling and the only real feeling you have is a willingness or desire to be away from life and its pain. Being lonely by definition means you want companionship of some kind. I spent years alone but not lonely, when I emerged from that state I was ready to reengage with life and with that came brief moments of loneliness which to me became passing in nature because of the commitment of maintaining relationships. It comes down to value, do you value involvement with others to assuage your loneliness, which includes their problems or is your peace of mind more important. You make sacrifices in either case, so, the question is, how do you deal with it and how are you affected by it. Loneliness is something I occasionally feel but choose to dismiss as a choice, therefore I don’t dwell on it longer than the time it takes to form a thought. Realize almost everything you do or feel about a thing is a choice, conscious or unconscious. It’s the value that you place upon it. If you’re lonely, understand it’s your choice, own that, accept that. Maybe you’re scared, it’s likely fear is your biggest issue, fear is the root cause of inactivity. Most fears are self-imposed, we often feel safe even in the face of fear because it’s a known fear, what’s outside waiting on you is completely unknown. To eliminate fear from loneliness, one must take uncomfortable action which is out of your safe zone. At least when you feel lonely you can feel assured that you have the desire to get involved, now it becomes a question of do you have the guts to venture out into the unknown because that’s what it takes, one desire being stronger than the other.
I like your pragmatic approach Gary – it is empowering. You’re so right in reminding us that a lot of what we feel is self-imposed – but at the same time, we have the ability to change our circumstances if we will it. Thank you for sharing this, I feel it will help many. <3
Though I still work (bus driver) I spend 99.99% of my free time alone and have done so (out of choice) for many many years and I LOVE it! My life is so rich with interesting projects, great books to read, a wonderful selection of music to listen to, time for meditation, cooking, gardening, writing, building an ecommerce business and exploring interesting stuff online. I have many friends and do keep contact with them all but I cherish my time alone and am quite jealous of it!
For most people alone time is a rare commodity – I don’t blame you for jealously guarding it! It’s so precious and necessary for our wellbeing.
I love your articles and you two. Inexplicably for the last couple of months each time a topic feels particularly acute, e.g. ‘loneliness’, suddenly it pops up in my inbox, how is that for great synchronicity!
You’re in the flow, Sarah!
Soul loss yup. Getting there! Finally after years in the dark night you can do it guys!
Thanks for helping to motivate and inspire others, Lachlan! <3
1st of all my condolence for you on that traumatic upbringing. Your article has lot’s of good wise advice.
From childhood, my mother taught me from her tradition that God is always with each of us waiting to hear from us in individual private conversations. She guided me to go to the park, out on the huge lawns, or between the trees, look at the sky & talk to Him as I would talk with a best friend, or with a loving guiding father or uncle. She also taught me that I can write notes to God on pieces of paper & burn them as a method to send my words heavenward. She often told me, “you are, no-one is, ever really alone. HE God is always there for all of us, for every human, all the children of Noah, no matter who where. We just have to realize it & call.” During years of the rat race of young adulthood, I forgot those wise ways. After being introduced to the teachings of Rabbi Nahman of Breslov I rediscovered them.
I sometimes feel vulnerable when I open up to people, but I find myself opening up anyway almost against my will. Then later on I will regret opening up and spend the entire night worrying that someone will use this thing that I told them against me. I will vow to never talk to them again then the cycle happens again. There’s only a few people that even notice me existence, and I am definitely not popular. As we speak I’m being pushed around. Also I love your articles they are really helpful. Any advice? Lila.
Hi Lila, perhaps the over-sharing is connected to your own inner disconnection. Have you tried journaling and reconnecting with your inner self at all? You can also try some soul and heart-connection meditations (there are many free on youtube).
I have been alone (and lonely) for most of my adult life. Even when surrounded by people, I could not escape the feeling of being an outsider.
At first, I used to despair my fate. (Why me, poor me.) Then I realized that my feelings of isolation revolved around the fact that I could never accept the norm that I should be like, act like, believe like, other people. I began searching for answers in the metaphysical. Being an avid reader, I immersed myself in books and new theories of existentialism.
Here I am now. It has been a long journey – which is still ongoing. Never stop learning. And now…well, I’m happy being alone, when need be. I truly enjoy my company. Now I have the time to write, paint, enjoy life in my own way. Of course, it helps that I’ve always had faithful companions. My current one is a Pekingese named Penelope. I adopted her when she was around three years old. She is now (I estimate) going on 13. She is always with me and is my little angel. I can talk to her and she listens. We both get extreme pleasure in my brushing her long, silky hair. And she offers me unconditional love. What more can I ask for? My life is peaceful and tranquil, albeit sometimes storm clouds and rain appear. It doesn’t matter. I am fully grounded. I love my life!
having a dog or other companion animals helps enormously !!
100% agreed!
This is article May I ask you to contact us so that we can talk? Can I write to you directly. It’s so good that i’m going follow you!
I’m glad to hear that, Cyprus. :) You’re welcome to talk here (as I don’t have much time these days to answer private messages). Thanks for commenting!