Every child deserves the fundamental right to feel safe, secure and protected.
But not every child does.
Growing up, it is the emotional, psychological, and biological responsibility of our parents and family members to create a safe environment for us.
But not all parents accept that responsibility, are aware of that responsibility, or have the capacity to fulfill that responsibility.
Safety doesnโt just mean physically protecting us from harm, feeding us, or the other essentials. Safety also means supporting us on the emotional, psychological, and spiritual levels inherent to us as human beings.
What happens when we donโt feel safe as children?
What happens when this feeling of endangerment is constant and long-lasting?
The answer is that a huge gaping wound appears in the psyche.
This painful wound is often unknowingly repressed by us as adults โ but its impacts are profound and far-reaching.
The point of this article is to help you get into a reflective space and to hopefully learn how to reconnect with your wounded inner child.
If you are interested in welcoming home your inner child, I want you to reflect on your own childhood, the timeline of your early years, and how you felt as a child.
Did you feel safe? Did you feel a sense of belonging in your family? Were you permitted to be you? What is your current relationship like with your inner child?
All of these questions are extremely important to ask, and if you havenโt asked them yet, I hope you do.
Why am I so insistent about you asking these questions and exploring this topic?
The reason is that inner child work is one of the most healing and profound forms of inner work you can do. So much of our behavior, aversions, and neuroses in the present can be solved by exploring, embracing, and communicating with the inner child.
If you’d like to go deeper into this topic, I highly recommend reading John Bradshaw’s book on the inner child called Homecoming. I thank his work for the inspiration it provided me while writing this article.
You can also check out our Inner Child Journal which is a wonderfully supportive way of continuing this work and helping your inner child to heal.
Table of contents
- What is the Inner Child?
- How Does Our Inner Child Become Wounded?
- Toxic Shame and the Inner Child
- Lack of Safety and the Wounded Inner Child
- 10 Ways We Were Made to Feel Unsafe as Children
- Three Types of Childhood Neglect
- 25 Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child
- Examples of the Wounded Inner Child
- 5 Ways Your Wounded Inner Child Sabotages Your Life ย
- How to Support Your Inner Child in Feeling Safe (7 Paths)
- Conclusion
What is the Inner Child?
The inner child is the part in your psyche that still retains its innocence, creativity, awe, and wonder toward life. Quite literally, your inner child is the child that lives within you โ within your psyche that is.
Regardless of whether youโre 18 or 80, no matter how old or mature you are, you will have an inner child. The inner child is one of the many faces of your psyche.
How is it possible that we can still carry a child within us? The answer is that at a core level, we are all multi-dimensional and multi-faceted people. Psychologist Carl Jung called the energies that reside within us archetypes and one of the primary archetypes that all human beings possess is that of The Child.
It is so crucial that we learn how to stay connected with this sensitive part of ourselves. When we are connected to our inner child, we feel excited, invigorated, and inspired by life. When we are disconnected, we feel lethargic, bored, unhappy, and empty inside.
How Does Our Inner Child Become Wounded?
At one point or another, the child within us will become hurt, abandoned or traumatized when we are young. Whether intentionally or unintentionally we may be made to feel:
- Shameful about who we areย
- Unlovable or unworthy
- Fearful about the world
- Mistrust toward other people
- Unintelligent or ungifted
- Unwanted or like a burden
And this is by no means an exhaustive list! We may become the surrogate caretakers of our mothers or fathers, we may be beaten or sexually abused, chronically bullied and name-called, and religiously shamed or shunned โฆ the list of wounding traumas goes on.ย
Any experience that rendered our inner child overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with what was happening wounded this tender aspect of us.
Because we were incapable of fully processing the passive or active trauma due to our sensitive nervous systems, the trauma became frozen within us. In psychological terms, we dissociated from it meaning that it fragmented from our waking awareness.
What happens to this frozen and fragmented energy? It becomes locked away within the dark vaults of our unconscious. Unless we go on a journey to meet, understand, process, and heal this wounded energy inside of us, it has the potential to sabotage our lives and cause us to remain stuck in a cycle of suffering.
Toxic Shame and the Inner Child
Perhaps one of the most tragic consequences of having a wounded inner child is toxic shame. If you were constantly shamed, diminished or felt like you were never โgood enoughโ to your parents growing up, you probably struggle with toxic shame.
If you were never fully accepted for who you were, you probably have an issue with toxic shame. If you were chronically bullied, name-called or physically/sexually abused, you also likely suffer from toxic shame.
What exactly is toxic shame? Unlike normal shame which comes and goes, toxic shame becomes lodged deeply within your mind. It becomes part of your identity. In other words, if you struggle with toxic shame you will feel worthless, suffer from low self-esteem, and self-loathing. On an unconscious level, you will believe that you are innately โshamefulโ or โbad.โ
Toxic shame leads to the development of negative core beliefs that fester away deep within. Core beliefs are the central assumptions that we have about ourselves that rule a vast majority of our behavior and choices.
Here are a few examples of toxic core beliefs that arise as a result of toxic shame:
- “I am bad”
- “I am unworthy”
- “I am unlovable”
- “There is something deeply wrong with me”
- “I am irredeemably flawed”
- “I am stupid”
- “I am ugly”
- “I deserve to be punished”
- “I am a mistake”
Sadly, it is these toxic beliefs which underpin our grief, low self-worth, anxiety, depression, addictions, and self-destructive habits. It is astonishing how deeply entwined our wounded innerย child, toxic shame, and destructive core beliefs are. Toxic shame lies at the very center of the wounded inner child.
I bring a pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me
But you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.
โ Shared by John Bradshaw, originally written by Leo Booth
Lack of Safety and the Wounded Inner Child
Another element that lies at the very core of the wounded inner child is a real or perceived lack of safety.
Safety is not just physical, it is also emotional, psychological, and spiritual. For instance, when we feel truly safe within our family environment, we have our physical and emotional boundaries respected, our authentic selves accepted, and we feel close to and love by our family members (most notably our parents).
Safety also involves being given the permission to grow and change and have our basic physical necessities met (food, water, a safe home or neighborhood).
When there is a lack of safety within our home environment growing up, the child within us senses this acutely. But because we are largely vulnerable as children, there is little we can do, and so begins a deep patterning of trauma.
10 Ways We Were Made to Feel Unsafe as Children
The reality is that life isnโt ideal. The families that we are born into arenโt always great matches for us. And growing up, there were a number of ways we may have felt unsafe.
Before we proceed, I want to clarify that I am in no way blaming our parents or caretakers here.
Itโs important to remember that most parents did the best they could with the level of information, education, and emotional/mental maturity they had.
Blame and resentment only serve toย intensify the pain your inner child may be experiencing. So be mindful and know your limits when it comes to doing this work.
Here are some of the most common ways we were made to feel unsafe. How many can you relate to?
- You were taught that itโs not okay to have your own opinions.
- You were punished when trying to speak up or act differently.
- You were discouraged from playing or having fun.
- You werenโt allowed to be spontaneous.
- You werenโt allowed to show strong emotions such as anger or joy.
- You were shamed by your parents or family members.
- You were verbally criticized/abused on a regular basis.
- You were physically punished or your physical boundaries were violated.
- You were made to feel responsible for your parents and their level of happiness.
- You werenโt given physical affection, e.g., hugs, kisses, cuddles.
The more frequently these situations repeated themselves, the more likely your inner child felt unsafe, abandoned, and neglected. Also, this list is by no means exhaustive. So if you feel I have left something out, please share in the comments.
Three Types of Childhood Neglect
Let’s further break down the ways you were made to feel unsafe and unloved as a child (if you had a dysfunctional upbringing).
Here are the three types of childhood neglect you may have experienced:
1.ย Emotional Neglect
Your parents/guardians didn’t show interest in your emotional needs for love, support, protection or guidance. They either didn’t pay attention to you or condemned emotional expressions of need from you. The likely outcome of this was that:
- You developed low self-worth and poor self-esteem.
- You began ignoring your emotional needs.
- You learned to hide from, avoid or repress your emotions as they were associated with feelings of neglect from your childhood.
- You developed psychological or physical sicknesses connected to your inability to listen to, accept and deal with your emotions in healthy ways (e.g., emotional repression).
2. Psychological Neglect
This type of neglect was manifested in childhood by your parents/guardians who failed to listen to, embrace, and nurture the person you were. As you grew older, you likely developed any variety of these symptoms:
- You developed low self-esteem issues due to forms of abuse such as ridicule, put-downs, overly high expectations, being ignored, rejected, or constantly punished.
- You developed deep-seated anger issues both from unresolved childhood trauma, and an inability to love oneself.
- You developed addictions and neuroses to create a misguided sense of comfort and safety within your life.
- You developed psychological or physical illnesses.
- You have problems sustaining healthy and respectful relationships.
3.ย Physical Neglect
At a basic and fundamental level, physical safety and nourishment are some of the most intrinsic elements of a loving relationship. We can see this in nature, with mothers, fathers, and animal parents nourishing their chicks, pups, and cubs with food, shelter, and protection. When this is lacking, however, the following issues can develop:
- Low self-worth resulting in physical neglect and abuse of oneself, e.g., eating disorders (anorexia, obesity), maintaining an unhealthy diet, self-harm.
- Intense safety-seeking behaviors (such as psychological complexes like OCD) or extreme risk-taking behaviors (e.g., unprotected sex, obsessive daredevil feats, etc.)
- Addictions to drugs, alcohol, violence, food, etc.
- Sexual dysfunction or sexual addiction (often due to sexual abuse).
Take a few moments to breathe and connect with yourself after reading this list. Likely you will feel some strong emotions (but it’s okay if you don’t). I encourage you to take your time and go slowly through the rest of this article, being gentle with yourself.
It’s helpful to remember that while some, or even many, of our problems stem from childhood neglect, grudge-holding and blame will get us nowhere. People are victims of victims, meaning that the reason why our parents/guardians behaved the way they did was most likely because of their neglected upbringing, and their parents experienced the same traumas โ and so on and so forth.
25 Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child
Pay close attention to these signs. They will help you learn the general extent to which your inner child has been wounded and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world. The more signs you say โyesโ to, the more you need to seriously consider inner child work:
- In the deepest part of me, I feel that thereโs something terribly wrong with me.
- I experience anxiety whenever thinking about doing something new.
- Iโm a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.
- Iโm a rebel/misfit โ I feel more alive when Iโm in conflict with other people.
- I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.
- I feel guilty standing up for myself.
- I feel inadequate and “not good enough” as a man or woman.
- Iโm driven to always be an A+ super-achiever.
- I believe that I’m a terrible sinner and Iโm afraid of going to hell.
- I constantly criticize myself for being inadequate/unworthy.
- Iโm rigid and perfectionistic.
- I have trouble starting or finishing things.
- Iโm ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.
- I rarely get mad, but when I do, I become rageful.
- I have sex when I donโt want to.
- Iโm ashamed of my bodily functions (e.g., pee, poo).
- I spend too much time looking at pornography.
- I distrust everyone, including myself.
- I am an addict or have been addicted to something.
- I avoid conflict at every chance possible.
- I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.
- I feel more responsible for others than for myself.
- I never felt close to my mother and/or father.
- My deepest fear is being abandoned โ Iโll do anything to cling to a relationship.
- I struggle to say โno.โ
If you answered yes to ten or more of these statements, working with your inner child should be at the top of your priority list. If you answered yes to five or more of these statements, you’d do best to seriously consider reconnecting with your inner child.
Having a wounded inner child also contributes greatly to an experience called the Dark Night of the Soul.
Download FREE Inner Child Cards!
Reconnect with your wounded inner child. Get your free Inner Child Affirmation cards!
Examples of the Wounded Inner Child
The wounded inner child riddled with toxic shame can be found everywhere and this unresolved pain can leak into every aspect of our lives โ no place is holy. No place is left untouched.
Perhaps most sadly, our wounded inner child can sabotage our closest and most dear relationships that we have with our partners, friends, family members, and children.
If you’re still unsure as to how the wounded inner child appears in our lives, I’ll share some examples below that will hopefully illustrate the extent to which the wounded inner child can sabotage our lives:
- Maria struggles to say โnoโ to men. She has poor boundaries which has led to numerous toxic and abusive relationships with alcoholics and narcissists. She has a wounded inner child.
- Daniel is a caring father. He loves his wife and children, providing the best he can for them. The only problem is that he flies into temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. He is deeply ashamed after screaming at his children and raging at his wife. He has a wounded inner child.
- A woman suffers from anorexia nervosa. The very thought of eating makes her want to throw up. She was raised by a mother who constantly taunted her and poked fun at her โflab.โ She has a wounded inner child.
- A man is addicted to heroin. He was abandoned as a child by his mother and was beaten constantly by his father. He has a wounded inner child.
- Jessica is a relationship-hopper. She loves the thrill of falling in love but cannot tolerate getting emotionally close to her partners. She then unconsciously sabotages the relationship by seeking out ways to alienate herself and leaves. She was raised by a father who preferred moving from one woman to another, rather than spending time with her. She has a wounded inner child.
- Arjun, a non-binary person, suffers from chronic anxiety and cannot go a few minutes without feeling a free-floating sense of fear. They have tried many remedies but none have worked and they are now numbed out on antidepressants. As a child, Arjun’s religious family taught them that they would go to hell if they didnโt obey God. They have a wounded inner child.
- A prison guard mistreats the prisoners who he is meant to watch over. He projects his own narcissistic tendencies onto the prisoners. He sees them as โevil animals.โ As a child, his mother told him that she would have preferred to get an abortion. To cope with this pain, he developed an idealized version of himself โ a narcissistic identity that made him feel invincible. He has a wounded inner child.
- Angelica is a stereotypical โgood girl.โ Everyone points out how sweet and caring she is. The reality is that Angelica only pretends to be nice in order to be accepted. Beneath the mask, she feels bitter, critical, and resentful towards others. As a child, she was only shown affection when putting on this false self. She has a wounded inner child.
5 Ways Your Wounded Inner Child Sabotages Your Lifeย
One of the first ways to become aware of your wounded inner child is by observing their impact on your life. I want to mention something important here: your inner child does not intentionally seek to sabotage your life. Rather, the negative behaviors that spring from them are a natural byproduct of unresolved pain from childhood.ย
Itโs also important to understand that your inner child has a lot of positivity to share as well. Thereโs so much untapped wonder, creativity, humor, and childlike wisdom your inner child has to share. Often when doing inner child work, youโll be surprised by the range of dazzling capabilities, gifts, and qualities that have been buried within your unconscious โ sometimes for decades!
With that being said, itโs an important part of our journeys to face reality and be honest with ourselves. Working with and coming to understand the inner child isnโt all sunshine and rainbows. But by becoming aware of the ways your life is being sabotaged, you can then begin the process of nurturing, reclaiming, and reintegrating your inner child into your everyday consciousness.
Here are the top five ways your wounded inner child may be sabotaging your life:
1. Codependent and counter-dependent behavior
Codependency is what happens when we have no sense of our true needs, wants, and values.
When we are out of touch with our authentic self and when we lack an identity, we can easily merge with others. Merging with others is dangerous because without personal boundaries or a self to inhabit, our relationships can become toxic, abusive, and one-sided. We start to depend on other people for our happiness and rely exclusively on them to fulfil our needs.
The problem with deriving all of our emotional sustenance from others is that we can get used, abused, and hurt extremely easily. Our life becomes extremely unstable and our wellbeing is painfully delicate.
In essence, those who suffer from codependency feel a sense of chronic endangerment. When you are completely dependent on something outside of you to give you a sense of identity, life understandably feels, and becomes, perilous.
Codependency originates in childhoods that were violent, whether emotionally, physically, chemically, or sexually. Children of abuse learn to be so hyper-vigilant and so externally-focused, that they lose touch with their inner selves. They fail to develop an identity because theyโre too busy catering to other’s needs or protecting themselves from those around them.
Counter-dependency, on the other hand, is the opposite of codependency in the sense that it’s when we push people away for fear of getting too close (and therefore being abused).
Being self-sufficient is a great quality to have (just as wanting to be close to others is healthy as well). But when the inner child is wounded, it will take this behavior to the extreme.
If you struggle with counter-dependency, you’ll have problems asking for help, being vulnerable with others, self-isolation, loneliness, and you’ll feel unsafe when you get too close to others, so you’ll tend to push people away or sabotage your relationships.
Codependency and counter-dependency, in adulthood, often lead to extreme relationship dysfunction.
2. Narcissistic tendencies
Those who were deprived of love, attention, and affection as children have a risk of developing narcissistic tendencies as adults.
When we couldnโt depend on our parents or caretakers for our fundamental emotional needs to be met, we crave to fulfill that need as adults. Being starved of love often produces adults who have an insatiable need for attention, validation, and admiration.
In adulthood, narcissistic tendencies manifest as never finding the โperfectโ partner, carrying the obsessive need to be admired or worshiped, inability to empathize with others or look beyond your own perspective, filling the empty hole inside with expensive material things, and using your own children to meet your need for love and approval.
3. Aggressive behavior
The notion that the inner child is quiet, passive, and long-suffering is a myth. Actually, the wounded inner child can be petulant, angry, and aggressive.
So much of the violence and bloodshed in the world is due to unresolved childhood trauma that is stored within the inner child. Just look at Hitler, for example. He was chronically beaten and toxically shamed as a child by his sadistic father, who in turn was the bastard son of a Jewish landlord (although this fact is still debated). Hitler was then responsible for one of the greatest massacres of the Jewish peoples (and other groups) of all time.ย
Prisons are also full of men, women, and individuals who have wounded inner children. Many criminals simply reenact the abuse they experienced as children. According to psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim, these antisocial breeds of people came to identify with the abuser (which was typically a parent, family member or family friend). How does this happen? As a way to survive the trauma, the wounded child loses all sense of self and identity, and instead identifies with the offender.ย
But abused children donโt only develop aggression. If we were raised in families that spoiled and pampered us, this kind of environment can breed a wounded inner child who believes he is superior to others. Thus, he feels justified in abusing others.
4. Addictions and Compulsions
Addictions and compulsions are experienced by adults with wounded inner children who were abandoned โ whether emotionally, physically or spiritually. In order to fill the empty hole inside โ the hole that formed in childhood โ pathological relationships are developed with alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other addictive preoccupations.ย
5. Trust Issues
Trust issues lead to tremendous anxiety and isolation. The wounded inner child develops trust issues when its caretakers were unpredictable, out of control, or untrustworthy.
When we couldnโt trust our parents to meet our emotional, psychological or physical needs, a sense of endangerment developed within us. When our parents exhibited behaviors that revealed how little they trusted themselves or the world, we learned to be obsessively on guard.
To defend ourselves against the pain and fear, the inner child learned to try and control everything as a way of keeping us safe. Unfortunately, controlling behavior tends to alienate the people around us which causes us to become increasingly isolated and feel even more untrusting towards ourselves and the world.
Trust issues can also swing the opposite way: we can become too trusting towards others. Being gullible and naive is another trait of the wounded inner child who seeks to cling to anyone in order to avoid isolation and loneliness.
Other Dysfunctional Behaviors
Emptiness, chronic depression, procrastination, inability to delay gratification, intimacy dysfunction, and thought distortions (such as blaming and perfectionism) are also signs of the wounded inner child.
How to Support Your Inner Child in Feeling Safe (7 Paths)
Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.
โ Paulo Coelho
So what is the solution? How can we meet and work with the wounded inner child that is unintentionally sabotaging so much of our lives?
The solution is to practice inner child work. Inner child work is a journey that I sincerely believe each and every person must undertake in this lifetime if they seek to grow and heal in any profound way. I am consistently and deeply amazed at how life-changing this work can be, both in my own lives and those of others.
One of the most exciting and miraculous parts of inner child work is that we often discover wonderful hidden gifts and aptitudes that weโve long lost touch with.
Not only that, but many of our relationships improve, our addictions and negative habits lessen or fade away, and our connection with our Soul deepens. Self-love and acceptance are finally possible.
Iโm not saying you will experience all of these benefits right away, but you will most certainly experience something beneficial so long as youโre committed!
Also, I want to say here that the inner child healing exercises that I’m about to describe are not intended to replace therapy or therapeutic programs or groups for the inner child or child abuse. If youโve gone through child sexual abuse, severe emotional abuse, or have a mental illness, seeking professional help is essential. This article is only meant to be a supplement.
Finally, if you experience strange or overwhelming emotions while practicing the advice below, please stop immediately. Seek the help of a professional trauma-informed therapist before proceeding.
Importantly, remember that all forms of deep healing takes time. The practices below are not quick fixes nor are they sparkly wands that will immediately make everything better in your life. But they will give you the basic tools you need for feeling safe, secure, and protected at a core level.
I truly hope you can find something below that will nourish you and your relationship with your inner child. And remember, if you need more in-depth help, I recommend finding more inner child healing exercises in our Inner Child Journal.
Here are the summarized points:
- Reflect on the timeline of your childhood
- Write a letterย to your inner child
- Write a letter from your inner child
- Share your pain with a trusted person
- Loving and supportive affirmations
- Do an inner child visualization/meditation
- Be your own protector and nurturer
I’ll go more in-depth into these points below:
1. Reflect on the timeline of your childhood
You might like to get a piece of paper or document on your computer and divide your childhood into the following stages: Infant Self (0-9 months), Toddler Self (9 months to 3 years), Preschool Self (3-6 years), and School-Aged Self (6 years to puberty).
Within each stage, try your best to recall how you felt, what life was like, and how safe, supported, and accepted you felt.
Keep in mind that feeling safe as a child didnโt always have to do with the family environment. Often the school or other environments that we spent a lot of time in shaped our inner child.
Record any memories or physical sensations you had, even if they feel fragmented. Record the tones of voice, expressions, and words your parents or teaches used when interacting with you.
Even if a memory seems silly or a reaction you remember having seemed excessive, please write it down. As an adult, itโs important to honor what your inner child experienced, even if it seems ridiculous or exaggerated as an adult.
The more information and emotionally charged material you have for a particular age range, the more you need to focus on connecting with that particular stage. Iโll share with you how below.
2. Write a letter TO your inner child
Imagine that youโre a wise, gentle, and loving old wo/man, friendly witch or wizard, or fairy godmother. Imagine that you want to adopt your inner child.
As you write the letter, tell your inner child how much you love them and want to spend time with them. Write in a way that makes you feel safe, cared for, and understood. Hereโs an example of a letter I have written to my inner child:
Dear Little Ale,
Iโm so happy youโre born. I am here to protect, love, and care for you. I want to help you feel loved and accepted for who you are. I want to show you that itโs safe to be heard, to feel, and to be seen. I want you to feel like you will always have a home with me no matter what. I want to help and guide you every step of the way. I love you so much.
Love, Fairy Godmother Aletheia
If you feel emotional during this process, itโs okay. Let yourself cry and be proud of your courage to express how you truly feel.
3. Write a letter FROM your inner child
Use your non-dominant hand (in order to bypass your logical side of the brain) and write yourself a letter from the perspective of your inner child.
For example, if you are usually right-handed, use your left hand to write.
Using your non-dominant hand will help you get more in touch with the feelings of your inner child. Here is an example of my inner child speaking to me:
Dear Godmother,
I want to find home. Please protect me. I donโt want to feel alone anymore.
Love, Little Ale
You can write back and forth between your Wise Wo/man, Witch/Wizard, or Fairy Godmother self and your little self. Creating this conversation often reveals a lot of surprising buried emotions and new information.
4. Share your pain with a trusted person
It is vital that the pain you went through as a child is validated and heard by someone.
Whether you seek out a caring friend, support group, or trusted therapist please understand that sharing your feelings is essential to all inner child work.
Shadow & Light Membership:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "Shadow and Lightโs weekly guidance always rings true to my heart. Thanks for acknowledging my shadows and inviting my inner light. I always get excited to open the Shadow and Light emails on Sunday!" โ Angela M.
Sure, you can do it alone. And you can do a lot of deep work alone in general. But in order to experience important โbreakthroughsโ or even just to heal deeply, sharing is important.
We are social creatures who need others to hold space for us. Your pain needs to be lovingly validated. If the person youโre sharing your inner child work with is questioning, arguing, or trying to give advice to you, youโre not getting what you need!
Here, it is vital for me to emphasize the need for you to seek real caring and nurturing support. If you donโt have friends who are mature or capable enough to do this, please consider finding a trained and trauma-informed therapist or spiritual counselor. There are many affordable options out there. Investing in your well-being and mental health is worth it.
There are also many professionals out there who specialize in inner child work or hold workshops. Counselor and self-help writer John Bradshaw writes โI believe that group work is the most powerful form of therapyโ when referring to inner child work.
But one thing: please donโt share with your family members, even if they are caring. Family members who have not done their own inner child work are much less capable of dealing with yours. Defensiveness, anger, finger-pointing, and grief may result in sharing your feelings with family members, so please donโt do it.
Sharing takes tremendous courage and inner strength. Itโs normal and okay to feel scared! Feel the fear, and if you feel ready, share anyway.
5. Loving and supportive affirmations
Loving affirmations are a powerful way to affirm your worthiness and support your journey in feeling safe.
When repeated consistently, affirmations have a way of rewiring the brain and sinking down into unconscious layers of programming. Repeating such messages can result in deep change and healing at a primal level.
Here are some loving and supportive affirmations you can say to yourself throughout the day and during meditation:
- I will stay here and support you.
- Welcome to the world, Iโve been waiting to hold you.
- I love you just the way you are.
- Iโm so glad youโre here.
- I want to protect/take care of you.
- I want to spend time with you.
- I want to hear your thoughts and feelings.
- Itโs okay to feel sad and scared.
- Itโs okay to be yourself.
- Youโre allowed to say no.
- You are so special to me.
- You have so much to offer the world.
- I believe in you.
- I will protect you against harm.
You can say these affirmations as many times as you need, whenever is necessary during the day. You might even like to use a special voice when saying these affirmations, such as the voice of a wise old man or a loving mother.
We’ve created a guided meditation of affirmations you can use to get you started:
Also feel free to create your own loving affirmations! The list above will help you get started, but often the most powerful affirmations organically arise from your deepest needs.
6. Do an inner child visualization/meditation
You will need to dedicate about half an hour or more to this exercise. Find a quiet and comfortable space, and either sit or lie down. Then, either memorize this guided meditation visualization, record it on your phone and play it back to yourself, or get a trusted friend or therapist to read it out to you (the three dots “…” represent pauses):
Imagine that you are about to meet your inner child. You walk outside into your backyard and they are playing in a sandbox … What age are they? … You walk up to your inner child and sit down. โHello,โ you might say, introducing yourself … You look into the eyes of your inner child. What are they feeling towards you? Curiosity? Trepidation? Shyness? Skepticism? Excitement? … Respect your inner child and their boundaries. If they wish to hug you or shake your hand, let that happen. If not, itโs okay. Your inner child may just need to warm up to you … You might next wish to ask, โWhat do you need the most?โ If you are communicating with your infant self during this visualization, the response might come as a visceral feeling as opposed to communicating with your school-aged self who might respond verbally … If your inner child tells you what they need, provide a safe space for them. Let them feel heard, seen, understood, and loved by you … You might like to share with them how much you love and care for them, and wish them to be cared for … If your inner child wishes to be cradled, hugged, or held, embrace the opportunity … Once you feel that your mission to connect with your inner child has been completed, you can visualize yourself walking back into your house … Focus on your breathing, stretch your body, and open your eyes.
I recommend journaling about the experience. Journaling is a wonderful tool for self-reflection, deepening your self-understanding, and also serving as a way to document your progress. So take a few minutes to do this so that you can remember the experience and reflect on it in the future!
Spiritual Awakening Bundle:
Find your spiritual purpose. Deepen your self-understanding. Learn to embrace who you are. Let us show you how โฆ
If you need more guidance on practicing journaling, see my article on learning how to journal.
7. Be your own protector and nurturer
As adults, itโs important that we take responsibility for our emotional well-being. Feeling safe in this world is extremely important and essential for our inner child to thrive. Signs that you feel unsafe in this world may include:
- Constant anxiety around others
- Tendency to worry excessively
- Inability to trust others
- Inability to trust yourself and your abilities
- Feeling afraid to do things by yourself
- Harsh criticism of yourself
- Fear of trying new things or going to new places
- Assuming the worst in every situation
If you can relate to the feeling of constantly โbeing on edgeโ in the world and around others, I strongly recommend focusing on feeling safe within yourself.
Constant self-criticism, ignoring your needs, lacking personal boundaries, always putting others above yourself, and changing yourself to be accepted all keep you in a fearful state of not feeling safe.
While our parents or guardians may not have fulfilled most of our needs (or any of our needs), the beautiful truth is that we can. The concept is strange, even foreign to us, but we can be our own parents!
The benefits of re-parenting yourself?
- Greater happiness and optimism
- Improved creativity
- Healthier mind, body, and soul
- Stronger friendships and relationships
- Development of essential life skills: acceptance, forgiveness, vulnerability, compassion, self-love
If you find it really hard to re-parent your inner child, seeking help from an inner child work therapist will be a wise investment. Therapists, after all, act as temporary substitute parents. They can listen to and help coach your inner child, while supporting and strengthening your inner parent.
If you prefer to go solo, that is absolutely possible. However, please do seek out a support network if you can, whether online or in real life.
In order to be your own protector and nurturer, you need to create a clear โpolicyโ about what is and isn’t okay self-treatment. What thoughts and habits make you feel supported versus judged and shamed? At what points are you overstepping an internal boundary, and what does that feel like? These are questions that you can journal about.
In essence, focus on fostering self-love and acceptance each day. Listen to the needs of your mind, heart, body, and soul. Practice self-care. Take time out for yourself. Eat food that nourishes you. Say no and draw clear boundaries. Reclaim your sovereignty over your life. Explore practices that support feeling safe.
If need be, you can even go in search of a guardian angel or a spirit guide who can help you to support and nourish yourself.
Being your own protector and nurturer is extremely personal and unique to you, so figure out what that looks and feels like internally.
Conclusion
Relationships issues, chronic mental illness, compulsions, emptiness, trust issues, addictions โ all of these struggles stem from the wounded inner child.ย
If you keep repeating the same old toxic habits and feel like your life is stuck on a broken record of suffering, it is vital that you explore your inner child.ย
Although you may have suffered misfortune in childhood, it’s never too late to re-live your younger years and reconnect to that childlike side of yourself.ย
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life โ a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You donโt need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. Itโs time to meet your soulโs deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how โฆ
When you take responsibility for your happiness in life, you reclaim the power to feel safe, heal yourself, and regain access to your innate wholeness. This gift can never be taken away from you.
I hope the exercises and practices Iโve mentioned in this article can help to support the healing process of your precious inner child by aiding you to feel safe. You can also find more inner child guidance in the following resources:
Also feel free to take our inner child test for more insight.
As always, I would love for you to share your experiences below about this topic. You never know who you can help out there simply by sharing a little bit of your time and story!
If you need more help, we offer 3 powerful ways to guide you on your inner journey:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Feeling lost or uncertain about your path and purpose in life? Gain clarity and focus by learning about the five archetypes of awakening within you. Discover your deeper path and purpose using our in-depth psychospiritual map. Includes 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Seeking ongoing support for your spiritual journey? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Deepen your self-love and receive personal support from us.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to soul search and dive deep? Access our complete "essentials" collection of beloved journals and eBooks. Includes five enlightening eBooks and seven guided journals, plus two special bonuses to further illuminate your path.
First of all, I want to say thank you for this website. I found you guys a few months ago and you’ve helped me a lot even if I’m already aware of most things, it’s comforting to have things explained in such a good way, I have a hard time putting these things into words so it has brought me more clarity and guidance.
I experience 20 out of the 25 signs and I’m not surprised..
Honestly, I even find it hard to leave this comment, I usually never comment anywhere, I struggle with toxic shame and I so often feel that I should just hide and not be seen or heard more then necessary, I feel as (and fear that) I’m not welcomed anywhere but I know I have to step out of my isolation bubble and reach out to someone if I’m going to survive now…
I’ve reached a point in my life where I can no longer continue hiding from the world or the people in it while desperately wishing and yearning for deep and genuine connection…
I just want to find my soul tribe, it feels like I’m starving for human interaction in general but I don’t know where to begin.. I don’t use social media (except Youtube to educate myself and to find new music) because it makes me feel like shit.
It feels like I’m balancing on my toes at the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump but simultaneously trying to grab on to a small branch or anything that could keep me from falling into an early death.. and I guess writing this is me trying to reach out and open up even if I find it really hard.. I hear these voices in my head, telling me
and so on…
Truth is, I’ve been so lonely and isolated for so many years, haven’t had much human contact at all and most of it has been through the computer screen because I’m afraid of meeting people.. It feels like people will hate and reject me when they see my appearance, that they will see me as a worthless failure because of it and I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember but it has just been getting worse and worse the last years because of isolation and disconnection..
There’s obviously more to my situation than this that makes me feel like I need to end it all but I do want to live, I just can’t stand living with the unbearable pain, the toxic shame, the agony and definitely not to continue to go through it alone.
I need other people in my life that can understand and support and I also want to support and help others but I don’t know how…
I’ve been doing as much inner work that I can manage for so many years and recently I started to have suppressed memories from my childhood appear ”out of nowhere” in my dreams and while awake. This is scary as hell, a part of me wonders if maybe I’ve been through something much worse as a child but I can’t remember it….yet. There’s so many years of my life that are blurry but I know I had to suppress these memories in order to be able to keep going and now that shit is coming up to the surface with full force and I’m so tired of this..
Also, I know this comment is pretty much all over the place but I’m a mess and don’t even have the energy to try to fix it so it could make more sense.
And please, if you can relate to any of this and feel that you want to reply, try not to hesitate.
Thank you for reading.
/ A Lonewolf in Scandinavia.
The quality of the articles here is exceptionally good, but also the tribe. I love the comment section here. I feel less alone and alienated.
Dear lonewolf in Scandinavia,
Firstly, I feel like giving you a big bear hug and telling you that it’s going to be okay, (even though that might feel unlikely at the moment).
Your comment has stirred up some strong feelings in me as I can relate to a lot of what you’ve experienced in my own way. I too have struggled (and still struggle with some level of) social anxiety, toxic shame, and feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. Through time, thanks to some courageous decisions, it has got easier to handle. The practices of self-love and inner child work have particularly helped.
Dear one, I’m so glad you had the courage to come out and share your story! <3 I'm glad you ignored that harsh inner voice (the inner Critic/Judge) because in sharing how you're feeling, you are helping others as well. You are showing them that they're not alone, and that there are people out there who are suffering anxiety and shame as well.
From what I read, it sounds as though you’ve been traumatized and are struggling to adjust to the world. I could go on a whole rant about childhood trauma, but I want to keep this comment simple. The best thing, in my opinion, at this time is to seek out a trauma counselor or therapist. If you can’t bring yourself to see one face-to-face, I encourage you to look online. There are affordable options out there, and part of the cost may even be covered by your country (I’m not sure about in Europe, but in Australia there is a mental health plan). I can understand if you’d feel a bit of skepticism and resistance to seeking out therapy (I felt the same way as well). But so long as you seek out one who specializes in childhood trauma, you should be able to find the best counselor for you. This is so worth doing. Meanwhile, practicing self-love, and making a habit of it each and every day, will be vital. Here is an extensive self-love guide I created: https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-love-yourself-more/ Practicing self-care is also important: https://lonerwolf.com/self-care-ideas/
I know you might not have much energy, but if you can bring yourself to do even one tiny thing a day in the name of self-love or self-care, that is progress.
Do let me know if any of this helps. <3
P.S. It's probably best not to do inner child work at this point in time as it could be too overwhelming for you. I'd recommend sticking to self-love/self-care and seeking out a trauma-informed therapist, like for example, a somatic experiencing practitioner: https://somatic-experiencing-europe.org/find-a-practitioner/. <3
Before I continue writing I want to apologize for taking so long to respond..
I felt so incredibly stupid and was beating the crap out of myself after posting that comment and for some reason I just thought that I would get a notification by email if someone replied to my comment so I didn’t check the comments for a while (*facepalm*)…
So there I was, thinking that nobody wrote me back and when I saw this a couple of weeks ago I just started crying and was so overwhealmed with everything because I was still in the middle of a complete shitstorm from hell (the most severe ”dark night of the soul” I’ve ever been through, and I do not say that lightly) that started weeks before I could even get myself to write that first comment.
I wanted to reply right away to all of the replies but it’s been complete chaos and I’ve been so mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted from all that I’ve been through so I could barely type a word…
I’ve somehow managed to recharge my batteries enough once again to actually start taking steps that are very necessary now, even if a huge part of me is still screaming that I should just give up for good and kill myself, some small parts of my heart and soul that has survived tells me that I must give it another shot, I must find another way…
And yes, you are correct. I’m very traumatized, not only from when I was a child but through my teens and as an adult. I do understand trauma, shame and all that stuff pretty well because I’ve been diving really deep into it for 3-4 years now, trying to detangle everything but it’s been very hard to do that without any real support from people around me.
I mean, the internet and books aren’t always enough even if it can be really helpful.
I also stopped trying to get help from the regular ”mental health care” system (which I was pretty much forced into early in my life because those around me thought it was something wrong with me and wanted me to be ”fixed”) a few years ago because honestly, they don’t know shit and only treat you like you’re crazy and ”mentally ill”.
Anyway, I want you to know that you really helped me out here, I checked out the website the day I saw your comment and I began looking for the person that ”felt right” and I’m actually proud to say that yesterday I placed my tired, sleep deprived butt on a train (luckily it’s not that far for me to travel but it’s still very challenging for me, being around lot’s of people etc.), I walked through the big city and went to see this lady that I found on that website you shared.
We had a two hour meeting and I already think she’s ”the one”, it felt like a safe place for me and I could tell she has a lot of experience of working with trauma and shame.
I have another meeting in a couple of weeks but I’m also thinking about attending one of her workshops too so I can meet other human beings…
And even though I’m really scared and a part of me don’t really know what the hell I’m doing, I know I can’t continue to hide like I’ve been doing for so long, even if it makes me feel extremely vulnerable I know it’s the only way if I want my life to change, which I really do.
I’m also back into practicing self love again, my yoga routine came back slowly about a week ago, I manage to meditate again and get outside a little more to get sunshine and to breathe in the forest.
My eating habits feels better again after a lot of stress/overeating (that’s how I’ve been coping since I was a child) and consuming some vegan junk food that I know makes me feel even worse.. I’m also trying to express my feelings by being creative again with music, painting and redecorating my home with lots of plants to make it a more relaxing and less toxic enviorment for me to be in. Of course I still have that voice telling me that I’m not worthy of doing these things and that it’s just pointless but I’m trying my best to just do what makes me feel a little better anyway, even if it’s just for a moment…
So, dear Luna.. Thank you so much for guiding me into another path, I probably wouldn’t have found it otherwise (and trust me, I’ve been searching on my own for some time now).
I’m very grateful for your support.<3
PS
Now that I've been reading through my reply like 10 times to check if there's anything I spelled wrong or if I should delete/change something (”maybe it’s too much” … ”why are you even writing that? *sigh*), I’m gonna click on that scary ”post comment” button.
PPS
Just kidding, of course I had to read and edit it like 10 more times before posting.. god damnit.
PPPS
I think this pile of words has taken me over two hours to put together and send now, for real..
Reading your comment is like reading my journal or re-listening to the thoughts that run through my mind each day. When I was in the phase of calling psychic after psychic to try to get clear of what was going on with me, I started to feel (and say to them) that the amount of anguish and difficulty I have doing anything in life is really disproportionate to anything I have experienced in my life. I too wondered if there was something I was depressing because nothing else made sense. This is also when I started wondering more and more about past lives and whether I was carrying some kind of load from prior lives. I keep saying โit shouldnโt be this hardโ to interact with people or just live and do day to day things that adults should do. I feel handicapped and it never gets easier. This last part is the most important part to me. It seems like โnormalโ people do something and after they have confronted the same thing multiple times, they feel a sense of comfort and confidence in their ability to continue handling it. This doesnโt happen with me. Every single time I confront something new, or the same/similar situation, I have the same amount of anxiety and fear. It never gets easier. Saying to myself: โYou did this before, youโve got this,โ never eases my fears. I started to do core wound work over a year ago, but I felt I was getting nowhere. But I really do want to try the approaches mentioned in this article. The thought of going through the rest of my life feeling isolated and socially inept, unable to form the kind of relationships I want and feeling perpetually alone, itโs too much to bear. So, I understand you very much.
Hello love wild in Scandinavia,
I want you to know that there are others much like you on the same journey.
I’m a survivor and broke out of the victim I had become from the neglect and abuse.
I have healed the majority of the traumas with multiple help including a therapist, This site–which is awesome–and spiritual desire to heal. I used Reiki and the Healing Code to bring back memories a little at a time, process them, and finally I feel unburdened from the extra weight I was carrying.
My life is full of love, a few strong and positive friends on their own journeys and I feel better every day.
Just don’t give up. Keep loving yourself best you can.
It’s worth it!
For those who seek Reiki, I can share.
Hi Lonewolf in Scandinavia,
Thank you for the courage of writing your comment. What you wrote is exactly how I feel. I am sitting here fighting with myself to type out this reply. I am so afraid of being judged by others, but I find my biggest judge is myself and he’s a real bastard . I look around myself and find that I am jealous that people are “waking” up and I feel I never will. Just admitting that has opened a well of emotions. Anyway, thanks for sharing.
A..
I am so very glad you wrote that post. And I hope the other replies have been comforting. You are not alone. I can relate to everything you said, just in a slightly different way, but all the imagery still fits. And good work on the imagery. The cliff, trying to jump, yet holding on for dear life… that is how I’ve lived most of my life as well.
I have found a way to help quiet my head a bit. Those voices would always come and beat me down. But I decided I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I was treating myself like shit. And then why should I expect anyone else to treat me better.
So anytime I hear those harsh, a-hole voices in my head I just stop. And even its it’s just repeating “I will not dwell on this” or “just because I made a mistake, it doesnt mean I’m a useless failure”. And just that action of not listening to the really mean voices, really helped clear some space in my head to be more productive. Switching from “wow, what an idiot, you effed up, you can’t do anything right. No wonder no one loves you. Etc” to “oh man, this sucks, I made a mistake, ok dont dwell on it, think of how to fix it or make it better” made such a huge difference. And then when your head isnt full of that toxic self loathing, it does free up a bit more space to figure out how to love yourself better.
I hope that can help you a bit. I’ve been there. And even when your around people it’s like being thirty and swimming in the ocean. You see and feel the water, but nothing quenches that thirst.
And I have found that trying to love myself, has actually given me more patience and love for other people.
Life is fully of beauty and pain. And I like to think that the more pain and misery you have felt, means that you can feel the same intensity in positive feelings. Because you would never know what happy was if you were never sad or mad.
But that’s just a silly little thing I like to think about to make things seem less despairing. I hope it can help you.
You are not alone, not at all. Try reaching out to people, but start out small, like this. And you have people reaching back. Just remember that the people you pull close to you need to be ones that you can trust and that are full of love. Toxic people can really damage people like us. And we are worth more than that even if we can’t see it.
Remember that, you are worth it. And you deserve good things and people in your life. You will get there.
My close circle of people I refer to as my wolf pack. Because we were all lone wolves all our lives. But since meeting each other we have become a wolf pack of lone wolves.
You will have your own wolf pack someday, just keep reaching, and keep your head above water. And looking for other lone wolves is hard to do, but it’s worth it.
This website is a great place for us lone wolves. It’s just too bad it’s not easier to connect.
But you are being thought of, and love is being sent your way.
You got this A.. you are worth it. Never forget that.
Thank you!
<3
Thank you for bringing this information to me. I ‘m 59 and just started putting the pieces together regarding my childhood,l or lack thereof.
Happy to help Donna. <3
I don’t know how to write a super motivational comment to let the writer know how good this article is. So let me just sum it up in one line: This is incredible.
Thank you so much Niharika! Those three words are more than enough. <3
I have never read something so enlightening…I have been through CPT. and DBT twice each. They helped and continue to help me stay alive and function to the best of my abilities. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have CPTSD. I’ve worked to try to reconnect with her…but there are several as even with all the work I’ve done to heal as much as I have…they still remain desperate. Most of the breaks in my psyche have healed back together…but the youngest ones…that’s who you touched in this article like nothing ever before has…there may be hope yet. I’m with an amazing man after 3 failed marriages. He gets me. I’m ready to take this next journey of healing. Thank you!
Thank you for such an eye opening article. The suggested steps are excellent and I am hoping to reconnect with my inner child. I had tried some of thos on the past, but life got busy, and now I found this again, and the timing is perfect. I was ignored a lot as a child by my.mother. she has now passed on. And for all of my life I have never felt good enough. Thinking about it, neither did my mom or grandmom. Must be a generational thing. I want to be done with that! Time to reparent myself and allow growth and acknowledgement. Thank you again for this timely article.
I was raped when I was in my teens ,I am now 50 and I am still alone and I feel safe when I am alone I try to stay away from people ,thinking that they will heart me .
I am really curious on understanding how starting things and not finishing them is affected by inner child traumas. This is something I gave a challanges with
Tebogo, thanks for commenting. Starting and not finishing things could be related to many issues โ Imposter Syndrome, lack of trust in oneself, inability to delay gratification due to an unruly inner child (which was caused from a lack of coregulation with your own parents) โ you might like to look into these subjects further. I hope that helps. :)
I start to understand (a little) only now – my mother was heart-broken when I was around 3 y/o.. I never received hugs or kisses from her, only some shy (why?) kiss in the birthday.. Something definitely was not right. How could this affect me?
I love this article! Can I ask where this image came from – it’s such a great image?