Loneliness can be compared to a thick winter’s fog.
It stifles and strangles you, pulling you under a heavy blanket of depression, pervading all that you see.
Loneliness causes you to filter life through a lens of emptiness and despair. Your spirit may become so heavy with the weight of your isolation that you often feel like laying down, shriveling up, and dying.
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Sound dramatic?
It many ways, it is.
Loneliness has been linked to an increase in health issues such as dementia, stroke, heart disease, and premature death.
And interestingly enough, loneliness isn’t just an issue faced by singles, widowers, disabled folks, or the elderly – it’s also greatly troubling Millennials, who, due to the impact of social media, are finding themselves feeling more and more isolated.
Whether you feel loneliness in a crowd, in your marriage, in your workplace, friend circle, religion, culture or simply by being yourself, there is hope.
Yes, it’s possible to not only learn how to deal with loneliness, but to also give it a greater meaning and purpose – I’ll show you how (based on painful personal experience) in this article.
Table of contents
Loneliness: You’re Not Alone
As humans, it’s our tendency to believe that we’re the only one in the world feeling the deep level of isolation we’re experiencing. But what we fail to realize that loneliness is a worldwide epidemic. And no, you’re NOT alone – at least in experiencing it.
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Here are some shocking findings from numerous studies/sources which will help you to see how common this issue is:
- Loneliness affects close to 47% of Americans (source)
- In Japan, there are more than half a million people under the age of 40 who haven’t left their house or interacted with anyone for at least six months (source)
- One in four Australians feel lonely at least once every single week (source) and one in five Australians rarely or never have anyone to talk to when they need help (source)
- 30% of Millenials said they always or often feel lonely compared to 20% with Generation X and 15% of Boomers (source)
- 9 million people in the UK across all ages are either always or often lonely (source)
- More than 60% of married people struggle with loneliness (source)
- 49% of older people in the UK say that television or pets are their main form of company (source)
… and the statistics keep coming and coming. The list above is only the tip of the iceberg!
Can you see how widespread loneliness is and that you’re not alone as you think you are?
Why Are We Lonely? (13 Possible Reasons)
While loneliness might be universally felt, the reasons why we feel it are unique for each person.
For example, I felt lonely for many years due to the trauma of being brought up in a fundamentalist Christian religion that isolated me from everyone. Being taught that outsiders were “evil” caused me to distance myself from everyone which caused a deep-seated sense of loneliness. (Thankfully, I left religion over a decade ago.)
Other reasons why we can feel lonely often include:
- Death of a spouse, child, family member, or loved one
- Estrangement from family members
- Lacking access to quality relationships where we can share our deepest thoughts, feelings, and beliefs (this can be due to numerous reasons, such as working too much, living in a community that doesn’t meet your needs, struggling to connect to likeminded people, etc.)
- Undergoing a quarter life crisis, midlife crisis, or existential crisis
- Living alone unwillingly
- Possessing different values or beliefs from the vast majority of those around you
- Undergoing a spiritual awakening process
- Experiencing a dark night of the Soul
- Poor, underdeveloped, or neurodivergent social skills
- Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
- Childhood trauma and later-life trauma (this also includes being in toxic relationships, struggling with narcissistic family members, physical/emotional/mental abuse, etc.) causing issues like PTSD, C-PTSD, and other trauma symptoms
- Having a disability (such as autism, ADHD, etc.)
- Chronic health issues (like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, etc.) and other physical disabilities
However, perhaps one of the biggest overlooked reasons why many of us struggle with loneliness is because we lack a deep connection with our soul – the deep spark of love and wisdom within us. This issue is known as soul loss.
Ultimately, loneliness is very subjective. For example, someone living alone with no friends might seem lonely to an onlooker, but on the inside, they might be perfectly content and relaxed.
On the other hand, a person with a big family and successful career might seem happy to the general public – but inside, they might feel totally and utterly alone.
There really is no one ironclad stereotype when it comes to loneliness.
The Deeper Meaning and Invitation of Loneliness
Although loneliness seems pretty straightforward on the surface, I would argue that loneliness actually contains within it a great secret.
And that secret is that loneliness can be a doorway to reconnecting with our Soul and an invitation to seek out our True Nature beyond our limited ego selves.
There is a certain wisdom inherent in loneliness in that it teaches us that nothing outside of us can truly make us happy, because everything and everyone can be taken from us in an instant.
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Our loved ones can die, we can grow distant from our partners and children, we can lose close friends, and we can grow discontent or disillusioned with our various social groups. Literally anything that we rely on as a crutch to avoid being lonely or alone can vanish in an instant. This is a reality that most of us prefer to avoid, but loneliness throws this harsh reality back into our faces to deal with directly.
One of the major reasons I began this website (“loner-wolf”) in the first place is that I had come face-to-face with the joy, despair, and wisdom within being alone and facing loneliness.
Loneliness strips our life down to the essentials. It asks us to examine what truly makes us happy, how we can find joy without depending on the external world, and go more deeply inwards in search of our true home.
Loneliness encourages Soul searching, self-reflection, contemplation, independence, self-reliance, self-sovereignty, and a more conscious relationship to the world around and within us.
Without loneliness as a slap on the face to wake us up, asking us “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” (in the words of poet Mary Oliver), it’s likely that we would just amble through life doing and thinking what everyone else does.
Like unconscious automatons running on a capitalistic treadmill that is slowly destroying the world, our lives may have very well just trickled away meaninglessly without the clarion call of loneliness to graciously disturb us.
Now, I understand that loneliness is not always so meaningful for everyone (although, I challenge you to not find a deeper meaning in it). For some people, loneliness is a sign of deep depression or even suicidal desolation. So if that is the case, by all means seek to avoid loneliness. Find help. You can access a list of suicide hotlines here if you do feel this urge.
With that aside, loneliness is often a sign of the spiritual awakening journey – and more specifically, the dark night of the Soul in which one feels alone in the world and separated from anything Divine.
But as uncomfortable as the dark night can be, it helps us to tune out of the external world and listen to the deeper inner call, giving us the incentive and motivation to reconnect with something greater than our individual selves.
You can watch a video we created on the spiritual purpose of loneliness below:
How to Deal With Loneliness (Healing Paths)
If you’re suffering from chronic loneliness – which is an epidemic that’s increasing in our society according to numerous studies – please know that it is possible to transform this experience into something positive. And you don’t even have to put in too much effort in most circumstances.
As someone who has had a lot of experience with loneliness (I’ve spent a large portion of my life feeling lonely and isolated, even around others), I’ve compiled a list that I hope will help you learn how to deal with loneliness below:
1. Learn to have fun by yourself again
Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality, by understanding that we don’t need people.
— Anthony de Mello
This was perhaps one of the most surprising but fun methods I used to learn how to deal with loneliness.
When we lose friends or family members – or simply drift away from everyone around us – we tend to lose all sense of fun and playfulness, often preferring to wallow in our misery instead.
Realize that you can have fun alone and that you don’t need to rely on others to make you happy. The person who can enjoy life alone can never have happiness taken away from them – to truly understand this is liberating!
I know it sounds wacky and a little juvenile (well, I was 19), but my journey with regaining my playfulness started in the bathrooms of a well-established university. Sick of the day-to-day drabness of socially isolating study, I printed out flyers about diarrhea and stuck them all over the walls and mirrors of a women’s bathroom. (I never knew how liberating fecal matter could be!)
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But you don’t have to do something as wacky as I did to learn to have fun by yourself again. Start by doing something small that you enjoy, and take it from there. Perhaps you decide to take yourself to a move alone, explore a new part of town, or buy yourself some flowers.
Yes, it is possible to regain much of what you have lost, all by yourself. You will be a stronger and better person that way. Why? Because you won’t rely on, or use, other people for your entertainment.
2. Learn to laugh again
Laughing has been scientifically proven to benefit your health. But what happens when you’re lonely? Well, chances are, you don’t laugh much. Or at all. (I know that I didn’t.)
When you really think about it, we greatly we rely on others to make us happy, sometimes too much so. That’s why learning how to laugh again, by yourself, is so important – it empowers you!
If you find it hard to find something to laugh about, try putting on a funny film or go on Reddit and subscribe to threads like r/ThereWasAnAttempt, r/Funny, or r/ContagiousLaughter.
Not only does laughing take your focus away from yourself and your misery, but it replenishes those endorphins in your brain again, making you feel happy. Seeking to laugh is probably one of the most enjoyable ways of learning how to deal with loneliness.
3. Practice mirror work
Spend quality time with yourself, just like you would with a friend or someone you love. One powerful way of doing this is by practicing something called mirror work. Mirror work is simple, and all it requires is a mirror, openness, and some free time.
To practice mirror work for the purpose of connecting deeply with yourself, spend five minutes a day gazing gently at yourself in a mirror. I understand how bizarre that might sound, but staring deeply into your eyes and smiling every time you see yourself really makes you feel happy (even if it takes a little bit of practice). But don’t believe me – try it out for yourself!
One result of this strange practice is an increase in self-love and self-acceptance – especially when you pair this practice with loving affirmations such as “I accept you,” “I forgive you,” “I love you,” etc.
Every day we tend to look at ourselves in the mirror to pamper and preen, but we only do it superficially. But have you ever stopped to stare at yourself – earnestly? Try it, and you may be blown away by how much self-awareness and self-compassion you can develop.
4. Become your own best friend
I’m sure you’ve had a best friend in the past that now, for one reason or another, has drifted away.
Even if you’ve never had a best friend before, how do you observe best friends treating each other on TV? Most people would say that best friends treat each other with kindness, care, and consideration.
Let me ask you a question: do you treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration? If not, why? Why can’t you be your own best friend? What is it about yourself that you’re so insecure about? Don’t you deserve love and respect just like everyone else? (If you struggle to answer this question, you might like to look into your core beliefs.)
Many people falsely believe that a best friend can only be someone else. But this is an absurd idea, because how can you learn to love and appreciate people truly if first you don’t love and appreciate yourself? It’s still possible to love others when you don’t love yourself, but it’s much harder and requires more effort.
To become your own best friend, treat yourself kindly. Compliment yourself. Be considerate towards yourself and respect your strengths and weaknesses.
Here are some further resources you can explore to help you become your own best friend and learn how to deal with loneliness better:
- How to Love Yourself (No Bullsh*t Guide)
- 39 Self-Care Ideas For Those Who Struggle With Self-Love
- Self-Love Journal (premium resource and in-depth guidance)
5. Become your own counselor
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.
– Carl Jung
One of the most irritating things in the world is listening to people who moan and complain about their problems but don’t stop to question why they’re happening, or what they can do to solve them.
While it’s natural for us to complain (it can be therapeutic), constant whinging wastes energy and gets us nowhere when trying to learn how to deal with loneliness.
Becoming your own counselor is invaluable because it allows you to explore your problems, rather than wallow in them.
Ask yourself, Why am I lonely? When did it start? How am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way? What can I do to solve my loneliness? (By the way, kudos to you for checking out this article, because, in a sense, you’re being your own counselor right now.) Analyzing your thought processes is a wonderful way of putting them into a new perspective.
When I experienced loneliness I read self-help books, started keeping a journal, and mapped out my issues on pieces of paper to give them a visual perspective. The more I analyzed them and looked at them with different perspectives, the easier I found it to address my inner turmoil. I also highly recommend looking into internal family systems as a rich psychological system if you want to learn how to deal with loneliness better.
Note: being your own counselor doesn’t discount the need to access a trained professional counselor. But if you don’t have the ability, for any reason, to access a trained counselor (such as due to low income), adopting the role of counselor can help you to step into a new part of yourself outside the realm of “the lonely one.”
6. Be near people
By nature, we’re social beings – it’s hardwired into us to crave the physical, emotional, and psychological company of fellow human beings, hence the existence of loneliness. So go out and be near people, even if that just means by proximity.
Go and sit anonymously in a public space. Walk around a library and sit down. Drink something at a cafe with sunglasses on. These simple practices are both entertaining (people-watching is always interesting) and comforting due to the fact that you’ll at least be around others.
Although this point doesn’t necessarily cater to your emotional and psychological needs, it’s a start and was something I definitely found useful while learning how to deal with loneliness.
7. Volunteer and have a reason to be around others
Volunteer or join an interest group. Take small steps to get out of your comfort zone. Check your local newspaper, sign up to a Facebook group in your area, or go on meetup.com.
There are many beautiful, kindred souls to be found in volunteering circles and interest groups. In fact, if you’re looking for a friend, this is the perfect way to meet new people.
Loneliness tricks you into thinking that everyone is alike and that you won’t ever be able to find a kindred soul. But by doing the math, it’s easy to see that we’ll most likely find someone to truly connect with eventually if we seek out a mutual interest, like a crochet group or hiking club.
If you have a certain personality type (like introversion) or disability like autism, try seeking out groups of people who share the same traits and behavioral dispositions. You can start online and build up to eventually meeting in person (if that’s important to you). Similar minds think alike after all!
8. Take care of yourself physically
Neglecting yourself when you feel down is tempting. But taking care of your body is the beginning of recovering a sense of self-sovereignty, connectedness, and learning how to deal with loneliness in a healthy way. So be playful. Your body deserves comfort, grooming, and pleasure.
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$3Have a bubble bath. Lie on a soft pillow. Buy yourself a nice treat. Get a massage. Do your hair. Drink some tea or fine wine. The more I respected my body, the more I found respect for myself in honoring my comfort and taking care of my needs.
9. Listen to calming music
Don’t make the mistake of listening to depressing or dark music to match your mood. While dark music can provide a nice emotional release, often it just winds up making us feel even worse.
Instead, try listening to up-beat, classical, or ambient music (this will increase the endorphins, or happy chemical, in your brain).
If you want some keyword suggestions, get YouTube up on your browser and search for “happy relaxing music,” “ambient music,” “binaural beats positive energy,” “emotional healing music,” “singing bowls,” and so on. I particularly love listening to wind chimes and hang drums: they’re light, ethereal, and uplifting.
10. Learn to love joy more than misery
It’s quite possible that you’re in love with your misery at this very moment in time. I know this sounds bizarre and a little shocking.
Speaking from personal experience, I realized at some point that I was accustoming myself too much to a miserable way of life. After a while, when all we know is isolation and depression, we tend to grow accustomed to this way of living. It becomes the norm. And in a sickly way, it even provides us with a sense of comfort. This means that when we try to break our “norm” of isolation and depression we become uncomfortable, suddenly thrown out of our comfort zone.
This fear can lead to self-sabotaging behavior that is designed to try and regain that sense of comfortable (yet stagnant and miserable) safety. Becoming aware of this can truly liberate you when learning how to deal with loneliness.
Being attached to our misery can arise in the form of a victim mentality or martyr complex. So if you struggle with the tendency to wallow in melancholy (and even, if you’re honest, find yourself enjoying it from a place of self-righteous indignation with the world), try to shift gears. Find ways of feeling empowered and self-sovereign again. While it’s true that you may have been victimized, you don’t have to live as a victim. You can be a survivor and thriver as well.
These journaling ideas, morning affirmations, and healing meditations can help.
11. Understand that it’s possible to be alone, but not lonely
This is a simple mindset shift when it comes to learning how to deal with loneliness, but it makes a world of difference.
Sometimes the loneliness we feel is a byproduct of what society tells us. After all, we are all sold the idea that being in a heterosexual relationship with 2-3 children and a job is meant to be the pinnacle of normality and non-loneliness.
But is it?
Why should we believe and adopt this idea and let it affect OUR happiness?
Just because we find ourselves alone, divorced, widowed, friendless, and so on, doesn’t mean we’ve failed. Nothing in life is permanent, even the position you find yourself in now. So then, why should we allow ourselves to be pressured to feel like there’s something “wrong” with us when everything is temporary.
It is absolutely possible to be alone but not lonely. In fact, some of the most isolated people in the world have also been the most successful and/or happy (think of spiritual ascetics, monks, saints, writers like Emily Dickinson, innovators like Einstein, and artists like Greta Garbo who famously stated “I want to be alone”).
We explore the benefits of solitude more in our book The Power of Solitude.
12. Find an animal companion
If you can’t, don’t want to, or don’t have the time to connect with other people at this point in life, an animal companion is a wonderful way to feel emotionally connected to another living being.
Adopting a dog, cat, rabbit, bird (or whatever you resonate with) from a local shelter is not only an act of compassion, but it ensures that you’ll have another living being to spend your days with.
Not only that, but often animals have a way of reconnecting us back to other humans. Dogs, for example, are a beautiful way of forming connections, even fleeting ones, with other dog owners at the park.
(Bonus) 13. Reconnect with your Soul
Right at the heart and core of loneliness is often a disconnection from our innermost Self.
In other words, often loneliness is not just about having a lack of company, it’s actually a deeper symptom of disconnection from one’s Soul.
When we are disconnected from our Soul we struggle with lethargy, demotivation, depression, and the desire to isolate ourselves from others. This is known as Soul loss, and it’s a common issue in society.
In order to reconnect with your Soul, you will need to practice inner work and Soul work to remove the blocks (in the form of negative beliefs, traumas, and core wounds) that stand in the way of your inner Light.
One powerful way of beginning inner work and Soul work is by starting your own spiritual practice. (And yes, you can still be religious or an atheist and have a spiritual practice – it’s how you define it that matters.) Read more about spirituality to begin the next step in your journey.
***
Loneliness, longing, does not mean one has failed but simply that one is alive.
— Olivia Laing
I hope this article has helped to inspire you to learn how to deal with loneliness better.
Please remember that no matter how isolated you feel, there is always something you can do to feel a little better. And in fact, the likelihood is that someone living in the very same suburb as you right now is feeling something similar. You’re not as alone as you think.
For further reading, I highly recommend that you check out the articles I wrote called Feeling Alone: 13 Ways to Stop Feeling So Lonely and Isolated and How to Embrace Being a Lone Wolf and Walk Your OWN Path.
What has your experience been like with social isolation or loneliness?
For example, have you learned how to deal with loneliness in your own unique way (that hasn’t been shared here)?
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I really love your website. You deal with two issues very effectively.
First, coping with loneliness. But, perhaps more important, our
responsibility to others. We must reach out to others, not only to
protect our own sanity, but to protect theirs as well.
That being said, I wonder if loneliness is a negative way of looking at
a positive attribute. I think loneliness is nothing other than the
desire for companionship. The desire for companionship have many
positive effects:
1. Propagation of our species. Those who do not feel the desire for a
companion (of the opposite sex) are less likely to have children.
Thus, lacking that trait puts the unlonely at a genetic
disadvantage.
2. Strength in numbers. Virtually all human achievement is the result
of collaboration. Be it religion or technology, none of it would
exist except for the human desire for companionship.
3. I would like to introduce an idea I have not heard elsewhere. That
is, our individual sanity depends upon companionship. We are
endowed with enormous brains. Our mental capacity is so large that
we are able to build internal models of the outside world. We have
even come to rely more on our internal model than on reality.
Therein lies a great danger.
Our internal model is inaccurate and subject to decay. But, we can
save ourselves through the interactions that come with
companionship. Our companions provide us with frequent sanity
checks. I believe the foundation for true happiness rests in our
grasp of reality. And, that companionship is fundamental in our
maintenance of that grasp.
My conclusion is that loneliness is no more than a reminder that it is time
to get out of our own little world. Loneliness is no less than a signal
from the most primitive parts of our brain that it is time to reach out to
others. And, as we depend on others for our sanity, we also have a
responsibility to help others keep in touch with reality.
Hello Bob. You propose some interesting ideas here.
I guess sanity really depends on what you define it as (most people have self-tailored definitions). For instance, is sanity maintaining “normal” perspectives, appearances, thoughts etc. (Normal according to the society we live in?) Or is sanity defined as the opposite of insanity, e.g. the dysfunction of our psyches? Other people certainly serve as mirrors, in the sense that we can learn how normal our thought, emotion and behavioral patterns are in light of the people around us. Many monks, gurus, ascetics and so forth who have lived alone for many years are not necessarily insane, perhaps a bit eccentric, but from what I have seen they have all maintained their sanity. Perhaps this was due to a pre-established state of inner equilibrium? Most certainly, one needs to be prepared sufficiently (psychologically and emotionally) before living a solitary life.
Anyway, an interesting thought. Thank you for sharing!
-L
i still am dieing every second we were made to love and be loved back, by another human, noy oneself. i am ill now from just being left alone , i can’tget help i need. because of fallinf so dep. i’m si ill and sad and have been treated so unfair and corrupt, I am so ill, and having migraines every day. i see happy couples, and happy people talking. i am still alone. i used to be loved always people wanted to be with me, but now since i’m divored and alone, no one ares or comes around calls nothing i cant watch a movie or do anything ow. instead of getting easier it’ been worse. i hope i die in my sleep eery night. then i wke up in the morningm onl worse. sorry poor gramme i have migraine.
I’m sorry to hear that Linnie. While I may not know exactly how you feel, I have experienced the depths of loneliness before, having not one soul to turn to as many of us experience in life. It’s not pretty or enjoyable.
After years of living this way, we tend to make a habit out of our misery. Does this sound strange? It must. Who could possibly fall in love with their misery? Sol wrote more about it here (and I personally find this article very insightful) https://lonerwolf.com/misery-makes-you-happy/
When we are depressed, we often blame other people and believe we have no responsibility for our happiness or well-being: it’s always *other* people and *other* circumstances that create our unhappiness. After coming out of these dark years I realized this is a false way of thinking: we are responsible. Take it or leave it. That’s the way it is.
For your own benefit, you may like to take a look at the following articles which reveal a lot about how to overcome depression and survive loneliness:
https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-relieve-depression/
https://lonerwolf.com/self-pity/
https://lonerwolf.com/self-destructive-person/
https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-become-your-own-best-friend/
Please let me know whether these help just a little bit.
~Luna
I love much of what I have been reading here on this site over the last couple of days, and I identify with much of it. Some areas are a bit murky, mucky, yucky, and, well, kinda creepy, but there is a lot of great stuff here just the same. I enjoyed this piece in particular because, well, it’s all true. I do many of the things you talk about here because they actually work. Like yourself, I found out much of this stuff on my own, just from thinking about it, and then doing it. That’s what life is all about, thinking and action. Not just working hard, not just working smart, not just thinking, not just action — but working all of the above.
I’ve always liked being alone. I’ve always looked for solitude, a place where I can think, and be myself. I prefer to work alone. I get more done and can focus better. But at the same time, I can identify with you when you talk about loneliness being “a thick winter’s fog”. I am originally from Minnesota. Lived there for thirty-six years. I know all about “thick winter’s fog”. Loneliness is a drag. Being alone is great. Solitude is where it’s at.
The loneliness and depression I’ve felt wasn’t all my fault in the outset, when I started out in life; but as I grew I perpetuated it, only I didn’t know I was doing it. I have learned as of late how to be rid of it.
It’s good to hear you’ve left religion. It was also one of the smartest things I have ever done. Religion ruins everything. It’s no good.
I’ve never had a problem finding ways to have fun by myself. In fact, having fun is one of the things I do best with other people as well. I’m an ambivert, and if I really want to turn on my charms, I can be the life of the party. But being in solitude is a great joy for me. I am in complete solitude writing this piece and loving every second of it.
I haven’t lost anything. There is nothing to be regained. I have had it all of my life. The only difference is that now I am learning not to be miserable, depressed. I am learning to get back in touch with that wild, spirited child I sort-of left behind in a cloud of angry, hard-hearted dust. One of the ways I get back in touch with him each day is on my walks in the wilderness, practicing combat. I have always been a warrior. The boy really loves to practice, to work out, and to be strong. So, too, does the man. Works well for all concerned.
So right. I didn’t laugh when I was lonely. Now, I laugh all the time. I actually make it a point to laugh and be happy every chance I get. My mother told me that when I was a little one, I was always laughing and happy and nothing ever got me down. I have found my way back to that. I wasn’t broken, after all. Just stuck for a little while.
I’ve never gotten anything out of looking at myself in a mirror, save to get myself cleaned up and shaven.
I am my own best friend. Always have been, always will be.
I need some work in treating myself kindly and considerately and showing myself some more respect. I’m a rough and tough. I get carried away sometimes and get too mean with me. Sometimes it’s for the better. Sometimes a little tough love is good for a person.
I’ve always had to be my own counselor. I trust myself first. It got me where I am today. I take what others say and use what I can, discard the rest.
I can’t stand whiners. I won’t have them around me. I agree. They need to do something about it.
I also agree about being nearer to other people. Everyone is alone. Everyone has a struggle. Everyone’s got to fight to be free. We like to think we’re the only ones and there is no one in the world like us. Horse-puckey. There’s plenty of people just like us. The only problem is they are fewer and further between than most other kinds of people. They are harder to find. The Internet has helped to make my kind of people more accessible. I use it a lot.
On the other hand, I have found the best kind of travel and meetings is with other people who live in my own backyard. You don’t have to go far to find people. There really is no excuse for loneliness. Loneliness is creepy. Loneliness is something we do to ourselves. The creepiest thing about it is when we start to like it.
Going out with some of my friends alienates and depresses me. Some of my friends are assholes. If they would like to go out and be assholes, they can go right on ahead. If I’m not in the mood, I will stay home or look for company elsewhere. But, if I’m feeling like being an asshole, I might come along. Some people are OK in small doses. Sometimes they’re even kinda fun.
Volunteering is good. I do a lot of that. I’m too nice of a guy; some of my friends and people who know me well know this and take full advantage of me. Leave me with all the dirty work. Assholes. But they also realize that I am smart, and the only reason they want me to come along is so they can ask me questions, pick my brains, then act like it was all their idea, so they can get all the credit. I have a girl friend who does this to me all the time. User and abuser all the way. But she knows how to return a favor, so I put up with her.
I take care of myself physically, though I can be a bit reckless at times. I do get carried away with my eating (I love to eat!), and I do have two big, powerful hands I’m not afraid to get dirty or bloody, if necessary. But, yes, for the most part, I am very physically grounded and a very highly sensual person. I love massage, sex, masturbation (It’s good for us. For men, it’s good for the prostate), getting dirty, getting in the shower, getting a hot bath in winter, giving myself a haircut and a shave, wearing clean, nice clothes, good posture.
Growing up, I had very low self-esteem, low self-image. I walked pigeon-toed, shoulders slumped everywhere I went, everything I did. My walking was so bad, that the sides of my heels banged on the ground in front of me with every step and my shoes were ruined long before their time. As a tender young adult, leaving my strenuous circumstances and getting out on my own, I changed all of that. I forced my feet to walk straight. I forced my shoulders back and straight and relaxed. I forced myself to look up and make eye contact with others. I took what I needed and what I wanted. I didn’t want to miss out on life anymore.
And now my shoes literally last for years! They wear flat and even on the bottoms and I keep them clean and polished!
I don’t recommend or agree with drinking alcohol or doing any drugs. I’ve run that gauntlet. There is nothing there for me.
The “listening to calming music” idea is new to me. I have never listened to calming music in my life until very recently. I have found this works extremely well. Particularly music with no words. I find that if the music has words in it, I get distracted listening to what the singer is saying. It’s got to be music without lyrics.
The part I struggle with most, I think, is learning self-love. It’s not that I can’t do it; it’s not that I am so in love with my misery that I opt to refrain from self-love and instead wallow in misery; it’s more that I don’t really understand it. I really don’t. It’s one of those things, I think, that I am likely already doing, but don’t realize it. I am selfish and solipsistic by my very nature, and I do take good care of myself and pamper myself whenever possible, as often as possible, so that’s saying something positive. I came from a lousy background where I was taught to hate myself and others. Perhaps it’s just the residue from that time in my life which haunts me now and again and makes me think I hate me, but I really don’t.
And I have learned to love my joy more than my misery. Gone are the days of the extreme highs and lows. I run more on an even keel than ever before. I have learned to control my anger and my vicious temper. I am happy.
Another thing I need to be careful of here is all the talk about “spirituality”. That means different things to different people, especially me. “Spirituality”, to my mind, means to be in spirit, to be spirited, to be inspired, something along those lines. Insofar as connecting with ghosts or spirits or god, and the like, well, no, I certainly can’t go that route. I am atheist and anti-theist. I think that believing is cruel and demeaning toward the self and other human beings. It’s a joke we play on ourselves and others. I think it’s dangerous. It’s unkind and it’s dishonest.
I liked the articles pertaining to animals. We are animals ourselves, so naturally we identify with them. We can be slow, like the sloth, slithering and deadly, like the snake, and we can be playful and fun-loving, like the otter. Personally, I identify with and find myself completely fascinated by the orca, the wolves of the sea.
For millions of years, we were much more in tune with the stars, the animals, the earth and everything that grows on it, because that was the way of things. We were hunter-gatherers. We were wanderers and nomads. I think that technology has made us to ignore these aspects of life. Not that I think technology is a bad thing. It isn’t. But I think that our bodies and our psyche are still very much in hunter-gatherer mode. That makes things a little confusing for most. This is why we see, especially in America and Mexico, the big, fat blobby people walking around all over the place with their long, long lists of health problems. Too much sitting on their butts, eating Ho-ho’s and Twinkies, guzzling gallons of soda, watching porn on the Internet. People’s bodies aren’t designed to do these things, but modern technology made it possible for them to do it. I think this confusion will go on for a while as man learns how to deal with his own wonderful inventions.
My solution to the problem is to be a little bit caveman and a little bit modern man. I do a little of everything all the time. Of course, it’s easy for me to do this, because I enjoy it.
One of the keys I have found in life… we don’t have to do a lot all at once; we just need to keep doing a little bit all the time.
Hello Blackfish. It’s really terrific to read such a detailed, lively and affirming comment, and I want to thank you for taking the time to share it here with all of us!
I hope that everyone here takes the time to read your comment, to see that although life has a way of throwing bricks at your head, you can pick yourself up and learn to dodge them with a laugh on your lips. As you pointed out, one of the most dangerous pitfalls of loneliness is growing a morbid like for it to the point where our misery begins to make us happy (because it is the only thing we know and are comfortable with). By the way, have you ever considered taking up writing? You have an interesting way of expressing yourself :).
-L
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but only names can hurt me.
I write everyday, all the time, everywhere I go, everything I do. Even here in Hong Kong Int’l Airport! Have words, will travel!
Some great stuff on your site. I’ll be around. Have a great day!
Excellent to here Blackfish – and you as well!
-L
i hope i die tonight. nothing and nobody needs me i dont need just me and i’m in pain. how can i just la down and die? i will never going to kill myself. tho i am dead already, i just want to stop. i need someone to love me and i need someone to love and no one loves me ack lke m my head is pain. god take me home
your post is an insult. you don’t know what loneliness is if you can write all this. Do you not think think lonely people don’t already do these things! shallow and undermining.
Hello Noneya. It’s interesting how a person I have never met, and who has never lived life through my own eyes can judge me, and my experiences of loneliness and isolation, so harshly. It’s a pity, because this, unfortunately, is exactly what perpetuates so much pain and misunderstanding in the world – those who feel great pain tend to inflict it upon others, I too have done this before, and I’m sorry to see that you are as well.
Here’s how to Survive Loneliness:
1)DRINK A LOT OF ALCOHOL. It’s FUN!!! (OR Use Drugs).
2)PRAY to a GOD of your choice for relief, even if you don’t know if you can believe in It/Her/Him/Them/Us?
3)Try and Try and Try to go out and put forth your 100% effort into making friends and connections and acquaintances! (Yes, notice that I spelled that correctly). Then Do This Again and Again and AGAIN.
4)After the Top 3 Efforts Might Fail: Begin to Die Inside a Little Each Day (this will ease your loneliness a great deal).
5)Let Your Mind Go Free. Complete Insanity may be intimidating at first; In The End, it is The Sweetest of All Mercies.
6)Don’t Publish This. (This is only for the End-Stagers. It is not meant for anyone who still has hope or for those who have not already tried everything you previously suggested).
7)And Don’t You DARE lecture Me! Seriously. I am NOT in a state to hear it, much less to adhere to it. :( Please. My soul is very, VERY tired. Yes, I am angry. But underneath that, I am so very sad. Obviously and embarrassingly. There is just pain. At lEAST give me some points for being F-ing Honest. God/Whoever bless the autonomy of the idiotic internet. Amen.
Hi Sparrow. I love satire as well. Interesting take on my article. :)
yep, i know, i wish i cood drink or do drugs. dont have any good drugs. i wish i could die ive suffered long enouh sorry poor grammar still pain inside my head docs arent helping
HellO~
Much of this site has been helpfully eye opening as to how others “enjoy” being alone. This concept of enjoying aloneness or liking loneliness has confused and confounded me for the decades that i have endured it. Until googling loneliness today i didnt realize others view it as if its an ok state of being/feeling. i guess before today i was under the assumption that strong people thrive while alone and the wimps like me wither away, and just didn’t even think about there being on-the-fence-ers that could go either way… hmmm… Maybe i need to search how to survive isolation military style(?) I am glad to read that U and others like being alone sO much that you gather together to tell each other how good at it you are! (hahaha! :)
Nice to hear from you H.A.H. It’s useful to remember that loneliness does not necessarily possess the same meaning as aloneness. Loneliness is usually not chosen, while aloneness IS chosen. In the end, our approach to solitude is all to do with the inner mindset we have. When we change our thoughts, we change our entire world. If you are interested in reading a book that may help you, I suggest reading ‘Man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor Frankl. -L
Hallo! Thank you for writing this down. Your style is captivating. Loneliness is chosen by some, and imposed on others. Either way, this information is vital for a happy life in my opinion. Subconsciously I knew them, I guess, since I wasn’t surprised at any of them (except #3). I listened to music to fit my mood, and I have to agree, it is not wise. #10 is describes my well (sadly), but now that I am aware, I can change it. Thank you. I used to feel like something was wrong with me, and that I was older inwardly than outwardly. Now, that I found this site, I realize I am not a mistake. Thanks. You ideas on this site are revolutionary :)
Hi there Justin :)
That is terrific to hear, and yes, number #3 is a bit bizarre! But I thought that I’d slip it in there for good measure. If you feel older inwardly than outwardly, you’re quite possibly an Old Soul (I’ve written a few articles about it, and there’s a test on this site). I can relate to that feeling, and it’s mainly responsible for the feelings of loneliness that come every once in a while.
Your comment made my day, thank you very much. I hope this blog continues to be of some use to you. :)
Fantastic Articles!! ^ How is it you can express ideas and feelings so well in writing? Every bit of your articles are fascinating! Old Soul, yes indeed. I know because I took the quiz :) It is really nice of you, that you spend the time to answer every comment/question.
^I said that I knew the points in this article, not that I was practicing them. I need practice. I was wondering if I did, scratching my chin, and noticed that I hadn’t shaved in nearly a fortnight (included in #8?). LoL. Thanks again for righting this article :)
I love this article, it is refreshing to read when I am feeling sad. I used to be that depressing Debby Downer years ago but I realized it was a waste of time and energy. I had friends who live in a constant fog of darkness and I always tried to cheer them up but they would never listen to me so I had to let them go…. :(
I listen to Glitch Mob & Skrillex to cheer me up, and Dead by April when I am angry, that helps me vent out my anger in a healthy manner :)
Mal, thanks for sharing :)
Skrillex, haha, I’m not sure if you’re mainly an auditory person or not, but I do the same when I’m angry or upset. Sometimes listening to music that reflects your emotions can help release them, but I find that there’s a very fine line between therapeutic listening and emotionally-fueled listening, where the music you listen to actually increases and deepens the negative emotions you experience. Not sure if you’ve heard of them, but I used to listen to Type O Negative when I was feeling down (as dark as you can possibly get!)
Thank you for reading!
What you said about feeling lonely “in a crowd, in your marriage, in your workplace, friend circle, religion, culture or simply by yourself” caught my eye because it points out an inescapable truth about loneliness: We carry it with us wherever we go, whomever we’re with. The sad fact is that no one can make you feel lonely but yourself. No one has the power to make you feel happy or sad or miserable or unworthy or inferior or complete but you. Unfortunately, life has a nasty habit of thrusting unwholesome people and nasty events into our lives to test the free-will God gave each of us to control our own destiny. Some of us get tested more than others–some make more right or wrong decisions than others–but we get to decide for ourselves. God put that awesome power in each of our hands–no one else’s. Unfortunately, it’s a double-edged sword because we become what we choose. We are the sum of our choices, and at the end of the day we have no one else to blame or high-five but ourselves. I like your 10 tips on combatting loneliness, Luna, because you say pretty much the same thing: You gotta do it yourself, kiddo!
Alberto T, I appreciate your contribution – thanks!
If only more of us could realize that exact statement you made: “we carry (loneliness) with us wherever we go, whomever we’re with”. It’s this very same inner void that we try so desperately to fill all our lives, until there’s nowhere left to run and hide, and we’re confronted with full-blown loneliness. It’s amazingly refreshing and empowering to realize that we are the ones who allow ourselves to become sad, unworthy and inferior – but we give this power away! We actually let other people destroy us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
I agree with almost everything but # 6 strikes a real chord with me. I know it is beneficial, but I also know it is hurtful surrounded by others when one is feeling lonely. It sometimes exacerbates the situation depending on one’s mood or the context; a laughing couple can make one feel good about the prospects of humanity and a better future or feel even more despair at the fact one is without a significant other. It can also create an ‘outsider-looking-in’ type of feeling. Great article though. It really did relate to me.
Hi Jona, thank you for reading :)
That is very true (I have experienced similar feelings before). But number #6 is assuming that you know your mood well enough to determine whether it would be beneficial to spend time near people, or not. Often times, challenging yourself (like inducing feelings of longing) is enough incentive to make you do something, or to create some change in your life. So negative feelings can be used positively in some contexts, but it really is a balancing act. And it really is up to your own personal feelings at the time.
Thank you for sharing your thought and opinions, and I’m happy to hear that you can relate!
Thank you for posting this. I am pregnant and literally have no friends. .I’ve always been an outcast but ever since I got pregnant anyone I did hangout with didn’t care to see me anymore because I can’t go to bars…I’m trying to be my own best friend but its hard. I grew up in a horribly religious family too and I don’t have contact with them. Reading this really helped though
Lilith, I appreciate your comment. :)
So many friendships are 2 dimensional and based on the shallowest of things (e.g. bonding in bars) – the positive side is that you have unlimited doorways open to you right now, at this very moment. Having little friends and little family allows you to operate freely, meaning that you have no annoying or limiting obligations. You can literally mold your life how you want it to be. You can find the friends that you want to be around.
Now you’re free to go on a search for kindred souls! I suggest joining an interest group (yoga, meditation, pottery, or whatever interest you have that you can pursue with a baby), or perhaps even a support group if you need one.
All the best!